Princess Mi.

When Princess Diana died, I was Really Upset. I LOOVED Princess Diana. Part of is the timing of her Appearance On The Scene. I was eleven when The Royal Wedding took place, and I remember watching The Whole Thing on Television with my dad before the camp bus picked me up. Eleven-Year-Old Girls dream of Growing Up and marrying A Prince and here was that myth come to life on my TV set! But, as I matured, I stopped believing in Prince Charming – around the same time she did, I would guess -- and began to admire Her Sense Of Style and Glamorous Lifestyle. When she died, I was Devastated. And just I did for her wedding to Prince Charles, I got up Extra Early to watch her funeral. I was So Sad she was gone. I thought she was Irreplaceable.

Until last night, when I was watching President Obama and his wife, Michelle, dance at An Inaugural Ball. Sure, I was thinking, “I really like Barak Obama! Yay for A New President!” But I was also thinking This: “Yay for Michelle Obama’s Dress!!!”

Seriously, That White Ball Gown thing was Really Really Nice! Totally My Style. I decided it is Exactly What I Would Wear if Totally Awesome Husband had An Inauguration. I liked That Gold Dress Thing she had on earlier in the day, too. It looked Vintagey. I can’t wear That Yellow Color, though. I would want it maybe in some shade of Blue or Green maybe.

I thought that was it with The New First Lady and Me. Until I saw This Photograph On The Front Page of Yahoo News:

So cute!!

Ohmygod, it is Fabulous!! I want it, too!! Who Made It? Where do I Buy It?? And then I had A Revelation: I have found myself A New Princess Di!!

Truth is, I didn’t really pay much attention to What Michelle Obama Was Wearing until yesterday. I didn’t care for that Period Stain Dress she donned on Election Night. I had read she likes to shop at J Crew. I do, too. I walk right past that Black White Store I hear she favors when I am in the mall.

And then I saw Today’s Dress. I always liked Barak Obama, but I was really sort of Team Hilary in my heart. However, if I knew Today’s Fabulous Dress would appear, I would have Unconditionally Campaigned For It! Eh, I mean, Him. But, seriously – That Dress!

I know I should be paying closer attention to all of those Policy Things Happening. But, really, all I care about is What Michelle Obama Is Going To Wear. I hope it is on The Front Page Of Yahoo News every day.

Oh, yeah. And Peace On Earth. I want that on the Front Page, too.

Now if only The Economy would get better. I need to Buy All These New Clothes!

Idle Idols.

Totally Awesome Husband is Very Excited today!

Why?

Because American Idol -- Totally Awesome Husband's Favorite Show Ever Ever Ever -- premieres tonight! And we get to watch it on Our Brand New Giant Television! And in High Definition! Although, I don't really notice Too Much of a difference between Regular Old Television and High Definition Television. I think things are supposed to be Appear Clearer, so maybe tonight I will finally be able to understand Why Some People Think They Can Sing When They Clearly Can't. Or, What The Freak Paula Is On. I am really hoping that The Picture will be As Crisp as Ryan Seacrest's Hair. Regardless, HDTV should One Hundred Percent enhance our American Idol Experience.

Of course, it being American Idol Season, our neighbors have started up Santa Monica Idol once again. Santa Monica Idol is when The Teenage Girl Who Lives Across The Street And Wears All Black And Hates Her Mother And Her Brothers And Seems To Have Some Sort Of Skater Boifrenemy sits on her stoop and Sings Nickleback Songs At The Top Of Her Lungs. We Judge. She doesn't ask us to, but Totally Awesome Husband and I can't help ourselves. I feel bad for her so I tell her that Her Heart Is Gold And She Is Just Not Ready For Santa Monica Idol This Year And She Should Not Give Up And Instead Come Back Next Year And That Boy Is Just Not Into Her And She Shouldn't Put Up With His Constant Skating Away When She Is Trying To Talk To Him And Doesn't She Know It Is Eleven PM. Totally Awesome Husband just tells her She Sucks and to Shut The F*ck Up. She usually Stops Singing after her Critique. But, she always comes back The Next Year.

Perhaps Our Approach is Not Neighborly. We really should just tell her she is Going To Hollywood and maybe she actually Will. After all, it is only like a Ten Minute Drive, minus Traffic. That way things would be Quite around here. I suppose I could give her a ride.

But then I might miss American Idol! And we all know I can't let That happen. Santa Monica Idol is just not a fair substitute.

It's just A Very Annoying One.

The Daily Candy.

Today I came home from Work and searched the house for Candy. Why? Well, because Totally Awesome Husband hid All Of The Candy. Why? Because I kept Eating It. Why? Because it is Halloween! Okay, well, technically Halloween isn’t until Friday. But, I like Halloween Candy a whole lot. So, I like to get a head start. We bought A Ton of Candy for The Halloween Party we had on Saturday and we had some Left Over. And we will barely get any Trick-Or-Treaters. Someone has to Eat It!

Unfortunately, for me Eating Candy equals Extra Fanny. I really should not be Eating Candy at all. I have all The Fanny I can handle right now.

But, that didn’t stop me from Searching All Of The Cabinets, The Drawers, Under Shelves, Under The Sink, Behind The Television, Inside The Heating Vent, Behind The Air Filter, and Inside The Toilet Tank for The Candy this afternoon. Yes: Inside The Toilet Tank. No, it wasn’t there. I have No Idea where The Candy is hidden.

When I was a kid, my cousins and I used to love to visit My Grandparents. They had A Great Big House full of all sorts of interesting items. I remember a big, black, ceramic ashtray My Grandfather used to place his cigar in. And they had these really cool pink beads adorning the bathroom that we used to pretend was the backstage to our own variety show. They had a piano, and my cousins and I would take turns playing our favorite songs, culled from the sheet music stored in the piano bench with the pink needlepoint coverlet. But The Best Part about visiting My Grandparents’ House was that all over the house, there was Candy hidden! That’s because My Grandmother used to have to hide The Candy from My Grandfather. He used to like to Eat The Candy, too! Except, he was Diabetic, so he really shouldn’t have been Eating The Candy. That’s Why My Grandmother used to Hide it from him. She had No Idea that when we came to visit, My Grandfather would pay us each A Dollar if we located The Candy and Gave It To Him. One weekend, I made, like, Fifteen Dollars. I considered it Hush Money when My Grandfather had A High Blood Sugar attack later that night.

It is probably A Good Thing Totally Awesome Husband has hid The Candy from me, although it doesn’t feel all that Totally Awesome to me. I am sure I will get The Candy out of my system over time. He promises to return it to me on Halloween when I am sure to have A Candy Relapse.

But, if he doesn’t, maybe the next time you are invited over you can make A Few Bucks.

Except That Mr. Darcy Never Went To Columbia University.

Many of you know, I am Obsessed with The New York Times Wedding Pages. I have written about it before – I have been reading These Pages, published on Sundays, religiously since I was in College. We are talking nearly Twenty Years of Wedding Pages. I actually keep A Sunday Subscription To The New York Times solely so that I can read The Styles Section, where Vows are now published. (I told Totally Awesome Fiancé, The Subscription was for The Sunday Puzzle.)

I am not sure Why I Am So Fascinated With These Pages. I like reading How The Couples Met. And seeing Where They Wed. I enjoy The Credentials – they always attend At Least One Ivy League School. Or, their Parents are Important and/or Published. All I know is I Am Obsessed. Recently, I saw the movie, 27 Dresses, and although I thought the movie was Totally Stupid, I did get a kick out of How Katherine Heigl Saved The New York Times Wedding Pages. “Aha!” I thought. “I behave just like A Fictional Character! Now I shall Relate.”

Naturally, I sent in All Of My Info to The New York Times after Totally Awesome Fiancé and I got engaged. I figured we were a shoe in -- we Met Cute, Both Grew Up On Long Island But Met In Los Angeles, and Totally Awesome Fiancé went to Columbia University! But, I also knew that we were Competing For Announcement Space on Busy Labor Day Weekend. Now, if we were getting married in January, maybe we would stand A Chance.

They tell you they will Contact You Two Weeks Before if they will be publishing Your Announcement. Alas, No One Has Contacted Us and we are Three Days Away. I think I can live with it, though. Hell, they made An Entire Sex And The City Charlotte-Subplot Episode about These Stupid New York Times Wedding Pages. Except, Charlotte got Published.

I guess this means I Can’t Relate To All Fictional Characters. But, that’s Okay. I am really holding on to Relating To Elizabeth Bennett.

And there were no New York Times Wedding Pages for her to Worry About.

Ah, Sundays.

Okay, I am officially Sick. I have A Sore Throat, I am Coughing. I am Unbelievably Tired. I have been subsiding on a diet consisting of Pop Tarts and Chicken Noodle Soup for Days. I know I am Sick because I have No Desire For Da Drink. And when Totally Awesome Fiancé mentioned Taking Me Out To Dinner, all I did was Cough. I am taking Cold Medicine. I have A Very Busy Week ahead, so I hope that I start to feel better. Like, By Tomorrow. Ah, Getting Sick At Just The Wrong Time.

Friday night, I finally 100% finished My Paper Flowers! They are now all wrapped and ready to go. The only think I have to do is transfer the moss into the boot tray. And then line up all The Flowers. I am So Relieved it is Done, though! I think they are going to be Terrific! Ah, Accomplishing Annoying, Yet Terrific Looking Tasks!

Saturday afternoon, The Fed Ex Man came by our house and Dumped His Entire Truck. We have So Many Wedding Gifts and So Much Stuff. Which is Great – don’t get me wrong. I am now The Proud Owner Of A Punch Bowl! Yay! I think that means I am Officially A Grown Up. But, we are so Unprepared to store it all because we don’t have enough Space. There are Boxes everywhere. We have to get rid of the Mismatched Stuff, now that we have Matching Stuff. Or, maybe we should have registered for A Bigger Place. Ah, Closet Space.

Today, I did Nothing. I read The Paper. And then I watched The Hills. Hours and Hours of The Hills. I liked watching The Older Episodes. Lauren’s Eyebrows are So Much More Polished now. And Her Highlights are Much Nicer. Back when she lived in Laguna, her hair looked So Suburban. Also, I enjoy Old Nicer Flat-Chested Normal Nosed Heidi. She used to be The Voice of Reason. And I liked when My Sweet Audrina was just The Girl Down The Hall. I can’t wait for The Season Premiere Of The Hills tomorrow night! Alas, tonight, all I can do is Countdown. Ah, Sundays.

Apparently, It's Zac Efron Week!

OMG! This is The Trailer for High School Musical 3!! Is it Wrong to admit I am Much More Excited about seeing This Movie than I was to see The Sex and The City Movie? I mean, it -- I am There. Opening Night. Is it Too Much to hope that The Arclight does one of their 21 And Over Screenings for it? You know, when they have A Bar and let you bring Your Booze into The Theatre? Because that would be Totally Awesome! Seriously, Who Is With Me?? I'll get The Tix now!

My Favorite Part of This Trailer is The Scene With The Red Cards At The Basketball Game. You can Do It, Troy!

Go Wildcats!

Unfortunately, The Secret May Just Be Protein Shakes. (If You Catch My Drift.)

Look at these Before And After Pics of My Teenage Movie Star Boyfriend, Zac Efron!!

He's been Working Out!
Zac Efron is now even Dreamier! I showed these pictures to Totally Awesome Fiancé and he got Really Mad. After exclaiming, "I can't believe You Like That!" Totally Awesome Fiancé ripped off his t-shirt and shouted, "I have Arms! I have Abs!" Then he demanded that I Touch His Abs. I told him Very Nice.

And then I went back to Gazing At Dreamier Zac Efron.

Totally Awesome Fiancé is now in The Bedroom, standing Shirtless and Flexing His Arm Muscles in a mirror. I overheard him mutter something about, "Just wait 20 Years, Zac Efron! We'll see How Pretty you are then!"

Ah, Boys.

Dress You Up With Your (Stylist’s) Love

I have become Obsessed with This Dress:

Yes. This One.
It started with An Obsession With All Things Maxi. Angelina Jolie has been wearing this longer style of dresses all over the globe, while pregnant with twins and I keep seeing her pictures in The Trashy Magazines That I Adore. Of course, I can’t stand Angelina Jolie and believe she is A Big Whore. But, this summer, she has inexplicably become My Maxi Dress Role Model. I drooled over This Dress, but after doing A Department Store/Internet Search, I sadly discovered it was Sold Out.

However, a few days later, I saw a picture of The Hills’s Lauren Conrad in A Maxi Dress and I decided I needed to have That One instead.

I found The Dress On-Line. Naturally, I Immediately Purchased It.
Now, thank goodness, I had rid of My Obsession With All Things Maxi, Ala Angelina Jolie. Unfortunately, now I find I Want All Things Maxi, ala Lauren Conrad. I may have A New Muse that Everyone Else Finds Quite Amusing. But I also know: This Dress Is Hot. In fact, I Loved It So Much, I purchased Another of The Exact Same Dress, in A New Color, just because I saw Christian Aguilera had been photographed wearing on the streets of New York. And now I find I want All Things Maxi, ala Christina Aguilera.

It really is A Disease.
Last Sunday afternoon, I wore One Of The Dresses to The Neighborhood Farmer’s Market. The Result was Two Different Women stopping me and asking me Where I Got My Dress. One woman even took A Picture Of Me Wearing The Dress With Her Cell Phone. Now, I suppose I am Someone Else’s Inspiration.

And somewhere in Hollywood, A Stylist Cannot Stop Laughing.

Freaks and Geeks

Los Angeles is full of Famous People. When you live here, you see them All The Time. In fact, we have So Many Famous People living here, you tend not to Get Excited. Well, you Secretly Get Excited. But you have to Act Like You Don’t Care, otherwise it is An Admission That You Are Not Nearly As Famous As They Are and that is Totally Un-Cool by Los Angeles Living Standards. See, everyone wants everyone else to Think They Are Somebody when you live in LA.

As a result of these Los Angeles Living Standards, Totally Awesome Fiancé and I have what we like to refer to as Our Short List Of Celebrities Who We Would Bother If We Saw Them Out In Real Life Even If It Means We Look Totally Un-Cool And Un-Famous. On our list is Any Cast Member From Lost (Even If It Is A Small Supporting Role/Guest Spot), JJ Abrams (Creator Of Lost And Other Cool, Amazing Shows), Any Of The Stars Of Freaks and Geeks, and Judd Apatow (Creator of Freaks and Geeks and My Favorite Film Of Last Year, Knocked Up, Also He Is Originally From Long Island). I personally will also Bother Anyone From The Hills. If A Person On Our List is Spotted, we have complete freedom to Say Hello And Talk To Them.

Late last week, Totally Awesome Fiancé were walking around The New Trendy Los Angels Mall that just opened out in The 818. I dragged him there because I adore the Old Trendy Los Angeles Mall in The 323 and The New Trendy Mall was supposed to be Just Like The Old Trendy Mall, only Trendier and Bigger. These Malls are designed by the same developer and are supposed to look like Main Street USA, complete with Bellagio-Style Fountains. It was Hot, so we ended up sitting at The Bar Of A Restaurant for Refreshments. And who do we spot Leaving? Judd Apatow!! “Totally Awesome Fiancé, Judd Apatow is On Our Short List Of Celebrities Who We Would Bother If We Saw Them Out In Real Life Even If It Means We Look Totally Un-Cool And Un-Famous! Go Chase Him Down The New Trendy Los Angeles Mall Fake Street And Talk To Him! And Don’t Fall In The Fountain!”

But, Judd Apatow got away.

Luckily, a bit later, as I was coming out of Pinkberry, we Saw Him Again! He was with his whole family! No One Seemed To Recognize Him but Us.

I walked right up to him. “We can’t walk past without telling you we are Huge Fans of Everything You Do,” I said.

Totally Awesome Fiancé added, “And we are both Former Long Islanders, too!”

Judd Apatow asked us Where We Were From On Long Island, I Told Him We Owned All His Movies, I Told His Family We Loved Them, Too, and then we were On Our Way. It was Brilliant! I kind of wish I had also told him I Didn’t Think The Deleted Scene About Paul Rudd Secretly Farting All The Time Should Have Been Deleted From Knocked Up Because It Was So Freaking Funny And I Am Glad I Got To See It On The DVD. But, I Forgot.

Anyhow, now Judd Apatow knows we are Not Nearly As Famous As He Is And Totally Un-Cool! Which makes us either A Freak or A Geek!

And that, I suppose, makes us Cool in his eyes. So, it all Works Out.

Why I Would Not Make A Very Good Spy. (Nor A Very Good Girl Scout.)

MISSION: To Drive Home Sans Devouring Delicious Box Of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies, Inexplicably Purchased From Well-Meaning Girl Scout/Student Under Guise Of, “They Are For My Fiancé!” Cookies Currently In Passenger Seat.

PROBLEM: Commute is An Hour Long. Plus, there is Lots Of Sitting In Traffic, with plenty of time to Stare Directly At Delicious Box Of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies.

SOLUTION: Phone Totally Awesome Fiancé and inform him that I Have A Full, Completely Unopened, Delicious Box Of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies In My Passenger Seat and they have His Name On It, Assuring myself I Won’t Eat Them.

PROBLEM: Totally Awesome Fiancé is Disappointed. Informs me he wanted Samoas, not Thin Mints. Tells me, “You Can Have Them.”

SOLUTION: Have Them!

MISSION: Not Accomplished.

PROBLEM: Delicious Box Of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies Induced Stomach Ache. And Freaking Long Commute Home.

When God Shows You Lemon (Crème Kisses), You Find Them.

I tend to Obsess about Things. I mean Really Obsess. For example, Sunday, I saw An Ad In The Target Circular for Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses. Now, I have Never tasted A Lemon Crème Hershey Kiss, but I knew, upon seeing The Adorable, Delicious Picture Of Them In The Target Circular, I must Have Them. Never mind that They Are Probably One Million Weight Watcher Points and I may Never Fit Into My Wedding Dress. (I am assuming I Devour The Entire Bag.) Lemon Crème Kisses sound So Tasty! I love Lemon Meringue Pie! Lemon Tarts! Lemons! And, I love Hershey Kisses! And Crème, whatever that is! Yes, I (Probably) Love Crème! How could Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses go wrong?!

So, on Sunday, I promptly got dressed, kissed Totally Awesome Fiancé goodbye, and then I drove to Every Single Santa Monica Store That Could Possibly Sell Candy. But, instead of The Much Coveted Bag Of Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses, I found A Plentiful Supply Of Bags Of All Sorts Of Other Varieties Of Hershey Kisses. There were Chocolate Kisses, Chocolate Marshmallow Kisses, Cherry Cordial Kisses, Chocolate Peanut Butter Kisses, Chocolate Caramel Kisses, Easter Kisses, Candy Coated Kisses, et al. There was Everything except Lemon Crème Freaking Kisses. And, so, I continue to Obsess.

Of course, I suppose I could have simply gone to Target, where I Originally Saw That They Were On Sale. But, going to Target on A Sunday can be such A Headache. Driving around to Every Single Santa Monica Store That Could Possibly Sell Candy?

Yeah, well, I promise, it makes Perfect Sense In This Crazy, Obsessive Head Of Mine.

The American Idolization of Totally Awesome Fiancé

Which of the following Statements did Totally Awesome Fiancé utter, as we watched American Idol together tonight:

a. “Hand me the phone! I want to Vote!”

b. “I want to make A T-Shirt that reads, ‘I Am Queasy For Chikeze!’ That Boy Rocks!”

c. “You know, for Our Wedding, I was thinking I want to Wear Something Similar to what Ryan Seacrest is wearing tonight! I like His Vest.”

d. “I can’t believe you got me into Watching This Crap.”

e. All Of The Above.

If you answered “e. All Of The Above,” you are Correct. And, Yes, I have created The American Idol Frankenstein Monster. Be Very, Very, Very Frightened.

The Daily Randi Loses Her Mind. Well, Sort Of.

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...Need a Rabbi...

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...Meet with Florist...

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...Must Call Photographer...

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The Daily Randi Is Very Excited About Three Things That Happened This Week.

Very Exciting Thing Number One: Easily Annoyed Sister is coming into town for The Weekend! I haven’t seen her in over A Year And A Half and I Miss Her. We are going to go Wedding Dress/Maid Of Honor Dress Shopping! This will be either Super Fun or Super Horrible. But, you can count on Easily Annoyed Sister to be Easily Annoyed by it all, either way.

Very Exciting Thing Number Two: There is A Brand New Pinkberry Flavor -- Coffee! I had it tonight and it is Delicious! In fact, it tastes Just Like my favorite flavor of Non-Frozen Yogurt, Coffee!

Very Exciting Thing Number Three: American Idol Returned and Totally Awesome Fiancé actually Watched With Me Sans Suffering!

The Very Exciting Things Sum Up: Easily Annoyed Sister is coming to town to be Easily Annoyed by All Things Wedding Related The Daily Randi Related, Coffee Flavored Frozen Non-Yogurt tastes Just Like Coffee Flavored Non-Fat Non-Frozen Yogurt, and Totally Awesome Fiancé has been Successfully Idolized.

Thank you for Playing The Daily Randi Is Very Excited About Three Things That Happened This Week. Please Drive Carefully.

And The Dreamiest Teen of 2008 Award Goes To…

Over The Holiday Break, I watched High School Musical 2. I had mentioned to one of My Fourth Graders that I had had it Tivod since its premiere in August, but had yet to Watch It. This resulted in a chorus of, “WHAT???!!! OHMY GOD YOU HAVE TO WATCH HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 2!!! IT IS EVEN BETTER THAN HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL THE FIRST ONE!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED IT YET, MISS THE DAILY RANDI!!!! THAT’S CRAZY!!!!! I HAVE SEEN IT, LIKE, 143 TIMES ALREADY!!! OHMYGOD!!!!!! WAHHHHHHHH!!!!” from Several Other Fourth Graders within Earshot of the original conversation. So, I figured I better go home and watch High School Musical 2.

This is What I Know: Kids are An Excellent Judge of whether Something is Good or Not. For example, Many Students have told me that the movie, Eight Below was Excellent. Upon viewing, I realized they were Right. When Spiderman 3 came out, I asked Some Kids if They Liked It and they said, “Eh. There were Too Many Bad Guys.” I watched it and thought, “The Kids were Right Again! Too many Bad Guys!” Lots of Kids have told me that they Hated Pirates of the Caribbean 3 because it was Way Too Complicated. I have yet to see it, though. I don’t know if they are Right about That One.

But, I do know that The Kids were Correct about High School Musical 2! It was Really Really Good! Mostly because That Zac Efron is One Dreamy Teen. I would Seriously Paper My Walls with his Dreaminess, but I think Totally Awesome Fiancé would Object. No. I Mean It. How did Zac Efron get So Dreamy? Why wasn’t Such Dreaminess around when I was Still A Teenager? I had to settle for Kirk Cameron and Charlie Sheen. Not Fair and Not Nearly As Dreamy.

And so, I am presenting Zac Efron with The Dreamiest Teen of 2008 Award. Congratulations, Zac.

And, Yes, Zac, you can Thank Me anyway You Would Like.

(I Know: In My Dreams.)

I just woke up from a nap!

My Beef With The Jerky

For 2008, I have A New Television Boyfriend:

Survivorman.

Hot!
Totally Awesome Fiancé got me into this show, which airs on The Discovery Channel. Basically, Survivorman gets dropped off into The Middle Of Nowhere with just The Clothes On His Back, some Camera Equipment, and sometimes One Solitary Stick Of Beef Jerky. Then, he films himself out in The Wild, trying to Survive for Seven Days.

Most of the time, Survivorman is A Negative Ninny. Survivorman likes to focus on All The Horrible Things That Are Going To Happen To Him. Like, he will dig himself a cave to sleep in, but then he turns to the camera as he is falling asleep and says, “I hope Bears Don’t Eat Me Tonight.” Or, he will be walking though a jungle and his Fire goes out and he reports that “Now, I have No Way to ward off The Poisonous Snakes that lurk overheard.” Personally, if I were Stuck Surviving in some Crazy Place, I would try to be a little more Optimistic. “Hey, today I might get Rescued!” I would tell myself. “My Fire will blaze Forever!” I would reason. Or, “Those Snakes must want to be My Friend!” That’s The Power of Positive Thinking!

I think, however, I find Survivorman’s Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Super Duper. He is just a Bad Boy, Brooding away in The Backwoods. And that is My Attraction. You know The Type – Tells you about All The Horrible Things that will happen to you, but then Promises To Protect You from them. And then in The Middle Of The Night, he leaves, searching for “Higher Ground.” Basically, he is The Type I Used To Date. Except, when he Dumps You, at least Survivorman will leave you with A Really Good Multitool and some Beef Jerky. The Best I could usually hope for was A Post It Note With Some Other Girl’s Phone Number.

Ah, Sweet, Chivalrous, Shitty Third Date, Survivorman! How I Adore Thee!

God, I am So Relieved I am Getting Married.

No Dingo Necessary.

Oh my God. There is This Commercial for Pampers that I Absolutely Adore!! I fast forward through most television ads these days, Thanks To My Best Friend, Tivo. But, when I see The Pampers Commercial? I actually Stop. Rewind. And watch it Over and Over and Over Again. In it, A Baby is at A Party and Dancing With Her Daddy to Kool and the Gang. She bounces her Baby Bootie and flaps her Baby Arms to dance and Nothing Leaks because she is Wearing Pampers and that is A Good Thing because with All That Dancing, someone could Slip and Get Hurt, plus I guess it could be Really Embarrassing for The Baby and she would be Traumatized and become A Wallflower At School Dances And No One Would Ever Ask Her To The Prom. It is like, The Cutest Commercial Ever! I can actually sense My Ovaries Rattling!

Don’t get me Wrong –- I Hate Babies. But, this Commercial makes The Baby look So Cute, I want to Love The Baby! Well, maybe not Love. Lick. I want to Lick The Baby! You know, like Kiss it and Stuff! No. Scratch That. I want to Eat The Baby!! I want to Hold The Cute Little Dancing Baby In My Arms and then Gobble It All Up!!! I mean, come on -- It looks Delicious, doesn’t it???!!! I guess it is Against The Law to actually Eat A Baby. But, if it was Permitted, I would Totally Eat This Kid. Especially after it looked up at me, just like it does at the end of the commercial, with Those Adorable Come-Dance-And-Devour-Me Eyes.

So, for Your Weekend Pleasure, I present to you The Cutest Commercial Ever, featuring The World’s Most Edible Baby. Please Enjoy.

(Try not to Slobber All Over Your Computer Keyboard, please.)

Climb Every Mountain

The Hills! As you well know, I Live For This Show. Okay. Liveblogging. Enjoy.

10:01
Whitney needs to RLOTSTML. (Really Lay Off The Secret Text Message Language.) She just said, Out Loud, “OMG.” (Oh My God) Last week, it was “WTF.” (What The F*ck.) Is this How The Kids are Talking these days? I feel O. (Old.)

10:02
Okay. Heidi at Work. How do you know The Show Is Set Up? Who walks into Work and asks Their Coworker, “Are you Working?” I mean, Duh, You Guys are Supposed To Be Working! You are at Work! People Work when they are At Work. That’s How It, um, Works.
Talk turns to The Fake-Fake Engagement Ring. Fake Oohs and Fake Aahs over Her Very Fake Looking Fake Ring.

Mention of something called “A Lingerie Brunch.”

I just heard Heidi say, “But if you met a Spencer at my age, it’s a whole different thing.” Which is Funny to me because probably Every Woman can say They Met A Spencer at Age Twenty. And then They tell you They Broke Up With Him about Six Months Later. I am Totally with Heidi about The Spray Pained Wall in her Apartment, though. It is Hideous. Well, The Kitchen Partition Painting Part isn’t all that Bad. I mean, I could personally Live With It. It kind of reminds me of That Louis Vuitton Handbag Pattern that was All The Rage three years ago. Of course, I rather have The Louis Vuitton Handbag. But, if I kept My Credit Cards and Change on The Kitchen Counter, it could work Just The Same.

10:03
Spencer and Brody are Man Shopping together. They look like they are wearing The Same Clothes they wore when they picked out Spencer’s Fake-Fake Engagement Ring. Or, maybe Brody only owns One Shirt.

10:04
Lauren just walked into her “Work” and asked Whitney – Who WORKS there –“Are you Working?” Maybe this should be A New Drinking Game. Of course, Lauren may just be Confused because she doesn’t Actually Work. She Interns/Looks Cute/ Stares Blankly At Her Computer Screen Whilst Contemplating Relationships And Failed Friendships.

Poor Whitney. I really get The Impression Whitney is So Pissed she has signed on to be The Voice Of Reason for A Whole New Season. She probably thought Her Promotion at Teen Vogue was Her Way Out – But The Hills Keep Pulling Her Back In!!!!

10:05
Spencer and Heidi’s Hollywood Apartment. This is So Not The Typical Hollywood Apartment. It lacks Five Year Old Carpeting, Bars On The Window, and Ancient Russian Neighbors. Any minute now, Irina, The Fifty Year Old Woman Who Lives Above Them should Knock On Their Door and offer them Borscht. Then maybe I would believe They Actually Live In A Hollywood Apartment.

But, it doesn’t matter because Spencer obviously thinks he lives In A Very Upscale Dorm Room, instead. He shows Heidi A Vintage Arcade Game he just bought. He tells her, he went “Shopping With Brody.” But, what He Really Means to say is, “Brody Paid For This With His Credit Card!”

10:06
Ahhhh. Justin Bobby. Finally. God, he is A Tool. And An Ass. But, I mean, when did Lauren become The Expert On Perfect Relationships. Um, Jason? Rehab Jason? Anyone? He was just as much of A Loser!

Oh -- I hope Jason’s Back Next Week!

10:13
Lauren and My Sweet Audrina lounge around Their Pool. Enough Said.

10:14
Spencer and Heidi’s Apartment. Does Spencer Dye His Hair?

I Love their Conversation about The Difference between A Decision and A Surprise. Heidi is Angry because Spencer made The Decision To Paint Their Wall On His Own, without Consulting Her. But, Spencer argues, The Graffiti Painting was “A Surprise” and Not A Decision. Which I am sure is The Same Argument he will give Heidi when she Inevitable Walks In On Him And Another Woman. “You made The Decision To Cheat Me!” Heidi will cry. And Spencer will argue, “SURPRISE!!!!!!”

10:16
PINKBERRY!!!!!!

Quote Of The Night

Lo: “Eat your Pinkbery and Enjoy Life!”

Well said, Lo. Well Said.

10:23
Oh. Charcoal. I didn’t even know it was Open already. Been meaning to Go.

I really need Justin Bobby to Cut His Hair. I believe he is Suffering from Hair In His Hey Day, My Long Held Theory that Some People have A Difficult Time recognizing that Their Hey Day has Passed and so they Hold On To The Hair Do they had in Their Hey Day. Justin’s Hey Day was obviously The Year, 1997, when he was Twelve.

Jeeze, he is feeding My Sweet Audrina such LINES!!! “Let’s just be cool with each other.” Boys use This Line when they want Girls to Feel Bad for Calling Them Out On Their Bullshit. What he Really Means is, “I still want to Sleep With You. But, on My Terms. Agree To Them.” I so wish he would at least Make Eye Contact with My Sweet Audrina when he was Talking To/Conniving Her.

10:27
Spencer and Heidi. Yeah. I am Done With Them. I Get It – Spencer is An Asshole, Heidi Puts Up With It. Send in Lauren. We need A Good Cat Fight.

WTF! The Show is Over? Oh, well. I’m Out. I suddenly am craving Pinkberry. See you Next Week, Hills... See you Next Week.

Been. Very. Busy.

I have not in Pinkberry Rehab. If I was, I Promise I would only Emerge a few weeks later and head Straight To My Closest Pinkberry Outlet anyway. For My "Friends," natch! But just in case you Wouldn't Believe That Excuse, I would make sure I was photographed just outside Pinkberry, eating Carvel. No, this is My Busy Time Of The Year. I promise to Post Soon, and when I Do, I will be A Posting Machine.

In the meantime, I leave you with This Photo, taken at The First Annual Santa Monica Main Street Fourth Of July Parade. It is of A Giant Menorah, decorated Red, White, and Blue for the holiday. And, see all this time, I was taking out My Menorah only on Hanukkah! Who Knew?!


I'm A Yankee Doodle Jewdy!

Say Hello To My Little Pinkberry!

So, I Can’t Stop Eating Pinkberry. I Know – Totally Embarrassing, especially since it is Really Fashionable to Hate It right now. In case you don’t know What Pinkberry Is, I will try and explain it to you: It is This Delicious “Natural” Frozen Yogurt Stuff. There are Assorted Treats that you can have Loaded On Top. Like Strawberries! And Blueberries! And Fruity Pebbles and Captain Crunch! It is Nearly Fat Free and Low Calorie. There are Adorable Pinkberry Stores all over Los Angeles. People Illegally Park their cars when they can’t find parking near The Pinkberry Stores. And then, they wait In Long Lines to Buy It. Everyday, there seems to be A New Pinkberry Outlet popping up on Various Corners. It is Very Trendy, because Celebrities are Just Like Us and Eat It. And A Bit of A Backlash is Brewing as Stores invade Neighborhoods, sans Enough Parking Spots, natch.

But, here is The Thing – It kinda Tastes Like Crap. At least, that is what I thought The First Time I tried Pinkberry. I mean, who likes The Taste Of Plain Yogurt? No One! Blech! But, a few days later, I mysteriously found myself Craving It Again! “Take me to Pinkberry tonight!” I begged of Totally Awesome Boyfriend. “It will be So Delicious!”

Reluctantly, Totally Awesome Boyfriend agreed to take me. “I thought you Hated It the last time we went,” he said as we drove to the Nearest Pinkberry Place. He was shaking his head in confusion.

“I Did!” I explained. “But, for some reason, I Want It AGAIN!!!!!!” And then my head spun around and I began to speak in tongues.

And so, we Stood In Line. Well, I Stood In Line. Totally Awesome Boyfriend waited in the car. But, also, he Couldn’t Find Parking and didn’t want to Get A Ticket. He may have been Perplexed, but at least I got My Pinkberry Fix!

Fix being The Operative Word here. The Pinkberry People are currently being Sued by some former disgruntled employees who claim Pinkberry is Not Actually Yogurt, as Advertised. But, The Pinkberry People refuse to say Exactly What Is In Their Product. They say they don’t want Anyone to know Their Secret Ingredients. They just Changed Their Product Name to “Swirly Deliciousness.” Or, something like that.

And so I am Convinced that The Secret Ingredient in Pinkberry is Crack Cocaine. That could be The Only Reason Why We Suckers Stand In Line, Illegally Park Our Cars, Risk Receiving Parking Tickets, and Crave Icy Food That Tastes Like Crap – Because It Secretly Contains Crack Cocaine. Your typical Pinkberry Store is Nothing More than A Brightly Lit Crack Den! No wonder people don’t want Pinkberry in their Neighborhoods!

Incidentally, about Ten Years Ago, I had A Similar Theory about Starbucks Coffee.