What I Did On My Blogging Vacation.

Oh. Hey. Hi, There.

Well, like I said, I have been Pretty Busy these days. My Big Work Project – the one I have been working on since December -- has its World Premiere in two weeks on The School Stage. It is going to be Really Good and Super Cute, I think. Of course, I may be slightly biased, being The Big Work Project’s Director.

Also, I have decided that I Should Go To Graduate School next year! I figured I needed A New Hobby and I like School, so Why Not Take Up More Of That? I am hoping to earn my Masters in Education, with an emphasis on Creative Literacy, which is basically using The Arts to teach Reading and Other Subjects. I am half way through The Application Process and it has taken up a lot of Time. I have had to write, like, Three Statements so far about My Purpose. Which totally Sucks because I am not sure I Have A Purpose, other than Reading Us Magazine and Watching Marathons Of The Hills. Also, I have to take These Stupid Standardized Tests in a few weeks and I have had to Study. And by Study, what I really mean is I have Purchased A Prep Book At Borders And Opened It Twice While Wearing My Glasses And Sitting At A Starbucks. I kind of don’t like Tests. Or Studying for them. Being A Student is Terrific, though. Think of The Discounts!

Other interesting things that have happened in The Last Two Months:

The Battery finally Died on my laptop.

Totally Awesome Husband got An iPhone.

American Idol had been Really Boring this season.

You know, like I said, I have been Really Busy. Sometimes it is Good to take A Break and that is What I Have Done.

And now, It is Good to be Back.

Ah, Sundays.

Okay, I am officially Sick. I have A Sore Throat, I am Coughing. I am Unbelievably Tired. I have been subsiding on a diet consisting of Pop Tarts and Chicken Noodle Soup for Days. I know I am Sick because I have No Desire For Da Drink. And when Totally Awesome Fiancé mentioned Taking Me Out To Dinner, all I did was Cough. I am taking Cold Medicine. I have A Very Busy Week ahead, so I hope that I start to feel better. Like, By Tomorrow. Ah, Getting Sick At Just The Wrong Time.

Friday night, I finally 100% finished My Paper Flowers! They are now all wrapped and ready to go. The only think I have to do is transfer the moss into the boot tray. And then line up all The Flowers. I am So Relieved it is Done, though! I think they are going to be Terrific! Ah, Accomplishing Annoying, Yet Terrific Looking Tasks!

Saturday afternoon, The Fed Ex Man came by our house and Dumped His Entire Truck. We have So Many Wedding Gifts and So Much Stuff. Which is Great – don’t get me wrong. I am now The Proud Owner Of A Punch Bowl! Yay! I think that means I am Officially A Grown Up. But, we are so Unprepared to store it all because we don’t have enough Space. There are Boxes everywhere. We have to get rid of the Mismatched Stuff, now that we have Matching Stuff. Or, maybe we should have registered for A Bigger Place. Ah, Closet Space.

Today, I did Nothing. I read The Paper. And then I watched The Hills. Hours and Hours of The Hills. I liked watching The Older Episodes. Lauren’s Eyebrows are So Much More Polished now. And Her Highlights are Much Nicer. Back when she lived in Laguna, her hair looked So Suburban. Also, I enjoy Old Nicer Flat-Chested Normal Nosed Heidi. She used to be The Voice of Reason. And I liked when My Sweet Audrina was just The Girl Down The Hall. I can’t wait for The Season Premiere Of The Hills tomorrow night! Alas, tonight, all I can do is Countdown. Ah, Sundays.

I Feel Pretty, Oh, So Pretty!

Today I had My Hair and Makeup Trial! Look at how Fancy the back of my head looks!

There will be A Very Pretty Flower Back There, I Think!

I am Not A Big Fan of The Frizzy Hairs you can see all around because I think they look awful when Photographed, so I am going to have to remind The Hair Person that I don't want to see them on The Wedding Day and in the Hour it took me to get home, My Makeup came apart. I don't know what to do about That, considering, The Makeup will have to Last for Hours and Makeup never does. But, otherwise, I thought My Hair looks Fabulous. Still, I fear that I will look Disheveled in all My Pics. But, really, that wouldn't be Too Different than How I Normally Look.

The Best Part of The Hair and Makeup Trial? I had to go down to Laguna Beach!

Just like The Television Show!

It is Pretty there. Why on Earth would someone move to The Hills and leave Laguna? I looked for LC and Kristen, but, alas, they were Not Home. Too Bad because they missed My Fabulous Wedding Hair Do and I am sure they would have been Super Jealous and I could have Stolen Their Boyfriends. Oh, well. Next Time.

Dress You Up With Your (Stylist’s) Love

I have become Obsessed with This Dress:

Yes. This One.
It started with An Obsession With All Things Maxi. Angelina Jolie has been wearing this longer style of dresses all over the globe, while pregnant with twins and I keep seeing her pictures in The Trashy Magazines That I Adore. Of course, I can’t stand Angelina Jolie and believe she is A Big Whore. But, this summer, she has inexplicably become My Maxi Dress Role Model. I drooled over This Dress, but after doing A Department Store/Internet Search, I sadly discovered it was Sold Out.

However, a few days later, I saw a picture of The Hills’s Lauren Conrad in A Maxi Dress and I decided I needed to have That One instead.

I found The Dress On-Line. Naturally, I Immediately Purchased It.
Now, thank goodness, I had rid of My Obsession With All Things Maxi, Ala Angelina Jolie. Unfortunately, now I find I Want All Things Maxi, ala Lauren Conrad. I may have A New Muse that Everyone Else Finds Quite Amusing. But I also know: This Dress Is Hot. In fact, I Loved It So Much, I purchased Another of The Exact Same Dress, in A New Color, just because I saw Christian Aguilera had been photographed wearing on the streets of New York. And now I find I want All Things Maxi, ala Christina Aguilera.

It really is A Disease.
Last Sunday afternoon, I wore One Of The Dresses to The Neighborhood Farmer’s Market. The Result was Two Different Women stopping me and asking me Where I Got My Dress. One woman even took A Picture Of Me Wearing The Dress With Her Cell Phone. Now, I suppose I am Someone Else’s Inspiration.

And somewhere in Hollywood, A Stylist Cannot Stop Laughing.

Must Be TV

Can I Pre-Order Season Four of Lost on Amazon right now? Because I am So Owning This Season. Granted, I Own All Previous Three Seasons of Lost, The Bestest Show On Television Ever. So, Owning Season Four is not far-fetched. But, Season Four has been So Freaking Good, I can’t wait to Have The Cute Little Box in my possession so that I can Hug It and Kiss It and tell it is Really Special To Me. I have No Idea What The Fig Is Going On and I Like It That Way. If only All Television could be This Good!

Last night, we got The Last of Eight Episodes created before The Strike. Lost is going to take A Little Hiatus and then be back at the end of April. Since I Live For This Show, I don’t know What I Am Going To Do to fulfill My Must See Television Viewing Habit. Sure, there is American Idol and Top Chef. But, American Idol isn’t exactly Must See TV. In fact, I usually skip The Result Show entirely and find out Who Got Voted Off somewhere on the World Wide Web, off of Viewers on The East Coast. Top Chef is Fun, but it also Makes Me Hungry. Seriously, I can’t watch that show without devouring Two Glasses Of Wine and A Crudités of Fat Free Cheddar Cheese and Olives. So, what’s A Must See Television Craving Girl to do? Maybe this is Time to Read A Book again!

But, OMG, The Hills returns on Monday Night!! And The Hills is The Bestest Show On Television Ever (Next to Lost, natch)!

And, so, This Must See Television Craving Girl can Lose Her Library Card and Rest Her Reading Glasses! After all, who needs Chick Lit when MTV gives us Chick Light?!

Hmm. Maybe I should own The Hills on DVD, too.

Please, Audrina, Dump His Booty.

O.M.G. I just saw This on Perez Hilton and had to Share. It is A Parody of My Fave Show, The Hills, starring James Franco and Mila Kunis as Justin Bobby and Audrina. It is Freaking Hilarious. In Support of The Striking Writers (and All Things Comic and Scripted), I present it to you.

P.S. I really miss Freaks and Geeks.

Climb Every Mountain

The Hills! As you well know, I Live For This Show. Okay. Liveblogging. Enjoy.

10:01
Whitney needs to RLOTSTML. (Really Lay Off The Secret Text Message Language.) She just said, Out Loud, “OMG.” (Oh My God) Last week, it was “WTF.” (What The F*ck.) Is this How The Kids are Talking these days? I feel O. (Old.)

10:02
Okay. Heidi at Work. How do you know The Show Is Set Up? Who walks into Work and asks Their Coworker, “Are you Working?” I mean, Duh, You Guys are Supposed To Be Working! You are at Work! People Work when they are At Work. That’s How It, um, Works.
Talk turns to The Fake-Fake Engagement Ring. Fake Oohs and Fake Aahs over Her Very Fake Looking Fake Ring.

Mention of something called “A Lingerie Brunch.”

I just heard Heidi say, “But if you met a Spencer at my age, it’s a whole different thing.” Which is Funny to me because probably Every Woman can say They Met A Spencer at Age Twenty. And then They tell you They Broke Up With Him about Six Months Later. I am Totally with Heidi about The Spray Pained Wall in her Apartment, though. It is Hideous. Well, The Kitchen Partition Painting Part isn’t all that Bad. I mean, I could personally Live With It. It kind of reminds me of That Louis Vuitton Handbag Pattern that was All The Rage three years ago. Of course, I rather have The Louis Vuitton Handbag. But, if I kept My Credit Cards and Change on The Kitchen Counter, it could work Just The Same.

10:03
Spencer and Brody are Man Shopping together. They look like they are wearing The Same Clothes they wore when they picked out Spencer’s Fake-Fake Engagement Ring. Or, maybe Brody only owns One Shirt.

10:04
Lauren just walked into her “Work” and asked Whitney – Who WORKS there –“Are you Working?” Maybe this should be A New Drinking Game. Of course, Lauren may just be Confused because she doesn’t Actually Work. She Interns/Looks Cute/ Stares Blankly At Her Computer Screen Whilst Contemplating Relationships And Failed Friendships.

Poor Whitney. I really get The Impression Whitney is So Pissed she has signed on to be The Voice Of Reason for A Whole New Season. She probably thought Her Promotion at Teen Vogue was Her Way Out – But The Hills Keep Pulling Her Back In!!!!

10:05
Spencer and Heidi’s Hollywood Apartment. This is So Not The Typical Hollywood Apartment. It lacks Five Year Old Carpeting, Bars On The Window, and Ancient Russian Neighbors. Any minute now, Irina, The Fifty Year Old Woman Who Lives Above Them should Knock On Their Door and offer them Borscht. Then maybe I would believe They Actually Live In A Hollywood Apartment.

But, it doesn’t matter because Spencer obviously thinks he lives In A Very Upscale Dorm Room, instead. He shows Heidi A Vintage Arcade Game he just bought. He tells her, he went “Shopping With Brody.” But, what He Really Means to say is, “Brody Paid For This With His Credit Card!”

10:06
Ahhhh. Justin Bobby. Finally. God, he is A Tool. And An Ass. But, I mean, when did Lauren become The Expert On Perfect Relationships. Um, Jason? Rehab Jason? Anyone? He was just as much of A Loser!

Oh -- I hope Jason’s Back Next Week!

10:13
Lauren and My Sweet Audrina lounge around Their Pool. Enough Said.

10:14
Spencer and Heidi’s Apartment. Does Spencer Dye His Hair?

I Love their Conversation about The Difference between A Decision and A Surprise. Heidi is Angry because Spencer made The Decision To Paint Their Wall On His Own, without Consulting Her. But, Spencer argues, The Graffiti Painting was “A Surprise” and Not A Decision. Which I am sure is The Same Argument he will give Heidi when she Inevitable Walks In On Him And Another Woman. “You made The Decision To Cheat Me!” Heidi will cry. And Spencer will argue, “SURPRISE!!!!!!”

10:16
PINKBERRY!!!!!!

Quote Of The Night

Lo: “Eat your Pinkbery and Enjoy Life!”

Well said, Lo. Well Said.

10:23
Oh. Charcoal. I didn’t even know it was Open already. Been meaning to Go.

I really need Justin Bobby to Cut His Hair. I believe he is Suffering from Hair In His Hey Day, My Long Held Theory that Some People have A Difficult Time recognizing that Their Hey Day has Passed and so they Hold On To The Hair Do they had in Their Hey Day. Justin’s Hey Day was obviously The Year, 1997, when he was Twelve.

Jeeze, he is feeding My Sweet Audrina such LINES!!! “Let’s just be cool with each other.” Boys use This Line when they want Girls to Feel Bad for Calling Them Out On Their Bullshit. What he Really Means is, “I still want to Sleep With You. But, on My Terms. Agree To Them.” I so wish he would at least Make Eye Contact with My Sweet Audrina when he was Talking To/Conniving Her.

10:27
Spencer and Heidi. Yeah. I am Done With Them. I Get It – Spencer is An Asshole, Heidi Puts Up With It. Send in Lauren. We need A Good Cat Fight.

WTF! The Show is Over? Oh, well. I’m Out. I suddenly am craving Pinkberry. See you Next Week, Hills... See you Next Week.

I Heart The Hills

The Hills.

OMG, I LOVE this show! In case you Live Under A Rock, Don’t Have Cable, or are Male, The Hills is an MTV show in its Third Season about The Continuing Adventures of Lauren Who Used To Be Named LC when she Lived/Filmed Laguna Beach but Now She Lives In The Hollywood Hills. I used to be A Fan of Laguna Beach, too. But, my fascination with That Show was really more with How Exactly They Made It. Was it Real? Was it Not Real? I mean, How Did They Know Stephen Was Going To Be Entering The Coffee Shop So That The Camera Was Already Inside The Coffee Shop if this was All Real? And isn’t it weird How Stephen Just Knew To Call LC When She Was Talking To Lo about Kristen? How did they do that? A Friend of mine who used to work on the show told me it was All Real and The Cameras Are Actually Really Far Away and that they Only Shot The Show Thursday Through Sunday but that The Producers “Suggest Things To Talk About” while filming and then it is All Edited Together. I have A Person in my life that sometimes suggests What To Talk About, too but I call that person My Shrink, not My Producer. So, maybe The Show was A Little Real. Or, Not.

The Hills? I am Pretty Sure None Of It Is Real, but I Don’t Care -- I just LOVE it! First of all, The Characters all live in My Old Neighborhood and I like to Recognize Things! And even though they are like Nineteen, they go to All The Clubs and Booze It Up and No One Cards Them! They live in Fancy Apartments, which I find Curious because Lauren doesn’t have A Job – she has an Internship. And her New Roommate, Audrina, works as A Receptionist and I used to work as An Receptionist so I know that they get paid Crap and Can’t Afford to make Car Payments On Time, let alone pay The Rent on Fancy Hollywood Hills Apartments. I Adore Audrina because she somehow ended up on The Show, sans A Personality! Also, she May Or May Not be named after The Lead Character in VC Andrews's, My Sweet Audrina, My Favorite Trashy Book Of All Time. But, Most Importantly, last night we found out that Audrina has Hideous Taste In Men! Even Worse than Lauren, who used to date That Awful Jason With The Drug Problem! Seriously, Audrina’s New Boyfriend is named Justin Bobby. Probably, his Real Name is Bobby, but The Producers "Suggested" he Change It To Justin because Bobby wasn’t Hills-y Enough. Apparently, Audrina dated him once before, but He Abandoned Her in Vegas! Here is what I Envisioned Actually Went Down: The Producers sat Audrina down at The Beginning Of The Season and said to her, “You have No Personality. Do you have any Hideous Ex-Boyfriends you wouldn’t mind Dating Again just for The Show?” And Audrina told them, “Well, This Asshole once took me to Vegas and Left Me There!” and then POOF, Justin Bobby was back in her life. Well, Bobby who became Justin and Bobby/Justin was Willing because he is An Unemployed Actor and this could be His Big Break, eh, playing Himself. Or, someone Like Him, except now named Justin. Or, um, Justin Bobby. Whichever. I Don’t Care. I Love It, I Love Audrina, and I Love Her Hideous Taste In Men.

Lauren’s Old Roommate, Heidi, just got Brand New Boobs and has A Stinky Boyfriend who is suppossed to be Loaded, but He Bought “An Engagement Ring” At Ice, a moderately priced accessories store on Sunset Boulevard. I have been to Ice. His Ring could not have been Real, nor could it have cost More Than Fifty Bucks. And it is Curious to me that There Happened To Be Cameras Inside Of Ice to capture This Very Special Purchase. Honestly, this whole scene felt like A Set Up. But, again, I Didn’t Care. I Love to Hate Spencer. His Best Friend is Brody Jenner. I read on Defamer that His Dad is A Dentist!

And, then there is Whitney, Lauren’s Teen Vogue Intern Friend, who IMs when she Talks. She says things like, “OMG!” And, “WTF!” And, “☺.”And you get The Feeling that she is ROTFL at How Stupidly Un-Real Her Entire Relationship With Lauren Is. One time, she got to Model!

So, you see, I Don’t Really Care if any of it is Real or Not. I just LOVE it for what it Is – Terrific, Page Turning Television!

And I think Next Week, I may Live Blog it All! Stay Tuned...