For Better. (Or For Worse.)

The night before The Wedding, I Freaked Out.

I mean, like Totally Freaked Out. Totally Awesome Husband and I had invited everyone all of our Wedding Guests to one of our favorite Happy Hour Joints. Lots of people came, including My Family, His Family, Old Neighbors From Back East, Etcetera. It was really touching to see all of these people and know that they flew in to Los Angeles just for The Wedding.

Until, of course, I realized all of these people flew in to Los Angeles just for The Wedding and I Totally Freaked Out.

Now, I am not going to beat around the bush here: When I Freak Out, I get Diarrhea. And so The Night Before The Wedding, I began consuming Pepto Bismol Max by The Hour. I drank So Much Pepto Bismol Max before The Wedding, I could have made the bottle my Maid Of Honor, chosen Pepto Bismol Pink Linens, and Tossed My Cookies rather than A Bouquet.

I was supposed to stay with Easily Annoyed Sister the night before, instead of staying at home with Totally Awesome Husband. I pictured Easily Annoyed Sister and I in her Hotel Room, giggling like Schoolgirls. “I can’t believe I have to kiss him on the lips!” I would shriek, trying on my phantom wedding veil. And then I would spin around and fall on the king sized bed and ask her to pass the chocolate while Flock Of Seagulls played in the background. Leave it to me to Imagine The Night Before My Wedding as A Bad Jennifer Garner Movie. I was definitely going to be Sick.

And so, I demanded at the bar that Totally Awesome Husband take me home that night instead. I thought that staying at home would make me feel Safe and that being near him would remind me Why I Got Myself Into This Crazy Freaky Wedding Mess. And it did. Well, that is until He Began To Totally Freak Out. In the middle of the night, he woke up sweaty and shrieking and told me that he was Scared. I hugged him and kissed him and told him it would all be Okay. We both ended up Crying and falling asleep in each other’s arms. His and Her Freak Outs, it would seem.

At least We Freaks had found had Each Other and there is definitely Solace in that. Alas, it was still not enough to prevent me from consuming my weight in Pepto Bismol Max on Our Wedding Day.

Maybe we should have signed Our Ketubah with Pepto-Filled Pens.

Yes (Wo)Man

Yes, I am Feeling Much Better. The Doctor gave me Antibiotics and I swear, I Felt Better Overnight. I am not even Sneezing anymore!

Yes, I know: The Wedding is One Week from Today. Seven Days Left of Singlehood.

Yes, The Apartment Is A Mess and All Of Our Relatives will be here on Tuesday for A Barbeque.

Yes, I called A New, Highly Recommended By Totally Awesome Fiancé’s Sister, Cleaning Woman to take care of The Mess.

Yes, we did in fact just Furiously Clean for The Cleaning Woman. The Apartment is Spotless now!

Yes, of course, we hid The Scotch.

Yes, I think I have Lost Weight! My Diet Tip? Um, I call it The Bridal Flu. I had A Bri(de)rus.

Yes, those are Bags under my eyes. I am exhausted because besides An Antibiotic, The Doctor also prescribed an Anti-Inflammatory. He told me it might make me “Hyper.” What he really meant to say is, “This Drug might keep you Awake For Hours and You Will Never Sleep Again!” I haven’t Slept in Days. This would have been Awesome in College. All I can say is, “Thank God For MSNBC and Olympic Field Hockey!”

Yes, I know I still need to get My Nails done. I don’t want to Bite Them Off, so I am waiting for The Last Minute. Also, I don’t know Where To Go to Get This Done. I am Nail Naïve.

Yes, that is A Brand New Brazilian Bikini Wax! Thanks for Noticing!

I Shall Never Be Sicky Again!

Okay. So The Doctor declared me Sick. He thinks I have A Cold. And some sort of Infection. I left his office armed with prescriptions for Cough Syrup, Anti-Inflammatory Pills, An Antibiotic, and A Sample Of Heartburn Medication.

When I was called in from The Waiting Room, I was led to The Examination Room. A Nurse asked me, "Why are you here?" And I told her, "Listen, I am Getting Married in A Week. I am Sick. Give Me Meds! Arrrrggggh!!" Except, I said it a lot nicer than that. She asked me My Symptoms and before I told her what they were I said, "I know this is A Cold. But, I need to Be Better! I have Things To Do!"

"Hmm," she said. "When did you start feeling Sick?"

"Thursday. Well, Friday. It got Really Bad on Sunday," I replied.

And as she wrote down the notes, I could tell, She Didn't Think I Would Be Better.

The Doctor assured me I Would Feel Better, however. He told me if I Didn't Feel Better By Monday, I needed to Come In Again.

"Do you think I Won't Feel Better By Monday?" I asked, always seeing The Glass As Half Empty.

"No!" he told me. "I think you will Feel Better by Tomorrow!"

And so, let's hope he is right. After all, Tomorrow Is Another Day.

This Being Sick Stuff Is Also Not In The Timeline.

Listen. I'm Sick. Like Really Sick. I can't stop Sneezing. I Slept all day. I made an appointment with The Doctor for tomorrow. I am going to Demand Anti-Biotics just in case this Cold takes A Turn For The Worse, which I Think It Already Has. But, that's merely A Self Diagnosis, which is Why I Need To See A Doctor. I want him to Confirm This With A Prescription. I have Things To Do! Um...Like Get Married??!! Totally Awesome Fiancé came home from work today bearing Matzo Ball Soup and A Black And White Cookie. Which is Exactly Why I Am Marrying Him.

In the meantime, please enjoy These Wedding Bloopers I found on You Tube. Lots of Men falling down at the Altar! I have to think, "Maybe It Is Just Hot Where They Are?" I really hope that Totally Awesome Fiancé doesn't Fall Down during our ceremony. That would Really Suck. Actually, I harbor A Fear that I Will Pass Out during The Wedding, from sheer Anxiety. When I was A Kid, I used to Pass Out all the time when I was Anxious. But, I tell myself, "The Daily Randi,There is No Time For Fainting. The Wedding Coordinator told us we have A Very Strict Timeline!" Keep your fingers crossed that it Doesn't Happen. We want to be sure to get in The Bouquet Toss.

Ah, Sundays.

Okay, I am officially Sick. I have A Sore Throat, I am Coughing. I am Unbelievably Tired. I have been subsiding on a diet consisting of Pop Tarts and Chicken Noodle Soup for Days. I know I am Sick because I have No Desire For Da Drink. And when Totally Awesome Fiancé mentioned Taking Me Out To Dinner, all I did was Cough. I am taking Cold Medicine. I have A Very Busy Week ahead, so I hope that I start to feel better. Like, By Tomorrow. Ah, Getting Sick At Just The Wrong Time.

Friday night, I finally 100% finished My Paper Flowers! They are now all wrapped and ready to go. The only think I have to do is transfer the moss into the boot tray. And then line up all The Flowers. I am So Relieved it is Done, though! I think they are going to be Terrific! Ah, Accomplishing Annoying, Yet Terrific Looking Tasks!

Saturday afternoon, The Fed Ex Man came by our house and Dumped His Entire Truck. We have So Many Wedding Gifts and So Much Stuff. Which is Great – don’t get me wrong. I am now The Proud Owner Of A Punch Bowl! Yay! I think that means I am Officially A Grown Up. But, we are so Unprepared to store it all because we don’t have enough Space. There are Boxes everywhere. We have to get rid of the Mismatched Stuff, now that we have Matching Stuff. Or, maybe we should have registered for A Bigger Place. Ah, Closet Space.

Today, I did Nothing. I read The Paper. And then I watched The Hills. Hours and Hours of The Hills. I liked watching The Older Episodes. Lauren’s Eyebrows are So Much More Polished now. And Her Highlights are Much Nicer. Back when she lived in Laguna, her hair looked So Suburban. Also, I enjoy Old Nicer Flat-Chested Normal Nosed Heidi. She used to be The Voice of Reason. And I liked when My Sweet Audrina was just The Girl Down The Hall. I can’t wait for The Season Premiere Of The Hills tomorrow night! Alas, tonight, all I can do is Countdown. Ah, Sundays.

I Am Just Sick Enough To Check In To General Hospital.

I'm Sick. My throat Hurts. I seem to need to blow my nose A Lot. But, really my throat is Killing Me. I figure I got Sick because I have been running around like A Mad Woman, trying to get everything done for The Wedding. And if I am going to be Sick, now is The Time To Be Sick. Not Next Week when I am Getting Married. And Not The Week After, when I Am On My Honeymoon. Which reminds me, I have to call the doctor to ask How To Make Sure I Don't Have My Period On My Honeymoon because right now My Pill Says I Will. Having My Period on My Honeymoon would Really Suck.

In the meantime, I have dug up The Wedding of Laura and Scottie from General Hospital, circa 1979. Most people think of Luke when they think of Laura. But, I was always Team Scottie. This is back when Scottie Was A Good Guy. He only turned Bad later on. Laura and Scottie lived in A Really Cute Second Floor Apartment in Port Charles. She got him A Set Of Legal Books as a wedding gift because he was studying to be a lawyer. And they went to San Francisco on their honeymoon. They had A Great Time. I watched it Every Single Afternoon. They went on a trolley car! And Laughed a lot! Every day was A New Montage! I bet Laura didn't have Her Period. Later, Luke Raped Her and she Fell In Love. I, for one, Never Got It.

Anyway, I hope I start to Feel Better.

And I hope My Wedding is just like This One! Well, except I hope mine Lasts. Stay Away Bad Boy Rapists!

The Headache.

I have A Headache. I have had it since about 10am this morning and it has been driving me Mad. I worked today with it, determined that none of My Students would catch whiff of the fact that I wasn’t feeling well. But, the area over my left eye has been Pulsating and Throbbing all day. I got some aspirin from another teacher who could tell that something was Wrong. She probably noticed the subtle Rubbing-Of-The-Temple-Clutching-Of-The-Sides-Of-The-Head-
Laying-On-The-Floor-Before-Class Signs that A Head About To Explode In Pain.

I don’t know what caused this Horrible Headache but I suspect it could be something to do with My Delicate Lady Parts. Or, I have some sort of Sinus Infection. Maybe I am just getting Sick. It could just be Stress. But, Whatever It Is, it caused me to come directly home from work. That meant I didn’t get My Oil Changed, My Car Washed, My Escort Card Materials Purchased, nor My Pedicure like I was supposed to after I was done teaching. I just came home and crawled into bed.

But, don’t feel Too Bad for me. Feel Bad for This Woman instead:


Because when I decided to Write About Today’s Horrific Headache, I Googled images of “Headache” and This Poor Woman came up on like, Fifty Sights. And doesn’t Her Headache look Awful? I mean, look at that Grimace! She must be in lots of Pain. In fact, Her Headache is So Terrible, she has become The Virtual Poster Child For Headache Images. Ouch! Now, that is what I call A Headache!

Of course, I suspect she got it from Staring At The Computer Screen for too long, while Googling Herself. Heh. Serves her right.

The Daily Randi Has An Ailment Due To Immense Stress Week – Day Three: Strange Left Leg Numbness

Last week, as I was in the shower shaving my legs, I noticed: I Couldn’t Feel My Left Leg. Not the whole thing. Just The Skin on the front part of the shin, right below the knee. If I Pinched It, I had Sensation and Pain in my leg. But, The Skin seemed to have No Feeling Whatsoever. And Thus began My Panic.

Hobbling out of the bathroom, Clutching My Numb Knee, Water Still Running in my shower, I announced to Totally Awesome Boyfriend, “Something’s Wrong With My Leg!” After receiving Absolutely No Response, I hobbled back into the bathroom and continued my shower. “Oh, Crap,” I thought. “I’ve become The Girl(friend) Who Cried Wolf!”

I guess I should go to A Doctor, just in case I have some sort of Allergy, or I have developed A Mysterious Nervous Disorder, or I Am Going To Die Soon, but I really hope this will All Go Away within The Four Days.

Tomorrow’s Ailment: Multiple Personality Disorder

The Daily Randi Has An Ailment Due To Immense Stress Week – Day Two: Weird Hand Rash

I have this Weird Hand Rash thing going on on my left hand. I first noticed it on Thursday of last week, while I was Shopping For Supplies For Work. I realized I kept Scratching Something Itchy on the back of my hand. Upon closer examination, I discovered Little Tiny Red Bumps. The More I Scratched, The More Little Tiny Red Bumps I discovered. I decided that The Little Red Bumps reminded me of The Map Of The Jamestown Colony, as depicted in The Latest Issue Of National Geographic Magazine. Either that, or they looked a lot like The Hawaiian Islands.

I guess I should go to A Doctor, just in case I have An Allergy To Something, or Scabies, or I Am Going To Die Soon, but so I really hope this will All Go Away within The Next Week.

Tomorrow’s Ailment: Strange Left Leg Skin Numbness

The Daily Randi Has An Ailment Due To Immense Stress Week – Day One: The Poops

I have had The Poops for A Full Week and A Half. It is So Bad, I have taken to carrying around A Full Bottle of Pepto Bismol around in My Purse, just in case I need to take An Emergency Dosage. I have Replenished My Pepto Bismol Supply four times in the past seven days. I am now An Expert on What Really Happened When English Settlers Came To The United States and Formed The Jamestown Colony, because Totally Awesome Boyfriend keeps his National Geographic Magazine Subscription in The Bathroom. I can recite The Latest Pottery Barn Catalog by heart, too. There is A Mark In The Tile near The Bathroom Door that resembles The Hawaiian Islands.

Totally Awesome Boyfriend has taken to calling me His Little Pooper, which is A Little Embarrassing so I really hope this will All Go Away within The Next Week.

Tomorrow’s Ailment: Weird Hand Rash