Ah, Sundays.

Friday, I frantically finished knitting A Froggy Hat and Froggy Slippers for Totally Awesome Husband’s Sister’s Baby Shower, which was on Saturday. I thought this was going to take, like 30 Minutes. But, instead it seemed to take me 30 Hours, and I was working on it until The Wee Hours. Of course, I started it over a month ago and just put it all off until The Last Minute. There is nothing like A Deadline to get you moving and grooving. Or, in this case Knitting and Purling. Ah, Procras(knit)nation.

Friday Night, Totally Awesome Husband and I hit The Annual Montana Avenue Holiday Walk In Santa Monica. Here in Los Angeles, all of the little shopping areas get together and keep the stores open past closing time and give out food and drink, one night before the holidays. Except, we got there Late, so Parking was A Bitch. Also, all of The Good Booze was Gone. Everyone had Dogs and Strollers so there was No Where To Walk. Stores were Blasting Very Un-Holiday-Like Music and giving me/everyone A Headache. One of the hair salons had A GUEST LIST to enter. Basically, The Annual Montana Avenue Holiday Walk In Santa Monica should be renamed, The Annual Pain In The Ass Never Doing It Again I Didn’t Even Buy Anything Or Get A Thing To Drink Santa Monica Shopping Experience. It was sort of A Nightmare. And then we did again on Main Street on Saturday Night. Ah, Banging One’s Head Against A (Trendy Store) Wall (In The Name Of Free Booze And Shopping Discounts).

Saturday, I had to go to That Stupid Baby Shower. God, do I Hate these things. Actually, this shower wasn’t So Bad. They didn’t play any Stupid Games and we were permitted to Say The Word, “Baby.” Not that anyone did. All these parents were like 40 and Over It. My Sister-In-Law, who is 42, is having A Baby in like, One Month, by the way. She isn’t Married but she wanted to have A Baby. So she got A Gay Friend to be The Baby Daddy, got Inseminated, and got Immediately Knocked Up. While there, I overheard her say that she had to go to Another Shower on Sunday that was being thrown for The Baby Daddy by his Gay Friends. It was A Gayby Shower! Now, THAT is A Shower I would want to go to! She said it was just going to be Booze and Fabulous Food and they were going to play some Gayby Games, which I told her I was positive would include some sort of Dance-Off and Baby Cher Look-Alike Contest. She mentioned that several of the Baby Daddy’s Other Girl Friends would be at The Gayby Shower. I told her I thought it would be Funny if all the other girls showed up Knocked Up, as well. Ah, Gayby Daddies!

Today, Totally Awesome Husband and I had to go to his Mother’s Unveiling. An Unveiling is A Jewish Custom -- usually A Year After A Death, the Headstone or Marker is literally Unveiled in a short ceremony. His Mother died last October. In the year since she has passed away, Totally Awesome Husband and I got Married and his sister got Pregnant. It has been quite A Year, hasn’t it? We had Family in town and the ceremony was Very Nice and afterwards we all went to Brunch. Ah, Sundays.

Flip Flop Of The Week.

Flip Flop Pair #18
Two Girls Down, 2008
Brand New Out Of The Box, Purchased On-Line To Wear To My Wedding.

I am going to change into These Flip Flops after The First Dance. It makes sense since I am The Flip Flop Queen! They are Platforms, so my dress won't drag on the floor too much. They read, "What's Mine Is Mine, What's His Is Definitely All Mine - I Do" And there is A Sparkly Diamond Ring at the toe. Eva Longoria wore them at her wedding to Tony Parker!

Well, Okay. I read That Last Part in Us Magazine.

Aren't they Cute?!

Counting Down.

As of today there are Only 20 Days until I Get Married.

I have spent 16 Hours creating 48 Paper Flowers. That is 4 Hours per 12 Flowers. I still have to make 24 more. That means 8 Hours to go.

14 Invitees neglected to RSVP by Today, our final reply by date. I spent 1 Hour making calls, trying to track down their responses.

I spent 8 Hours creating Table Cards for The Wedding. In case you are keeping track, that is about 3 More Hours than The Table Cards will actually be Used.

I have spent 4 Days searching for The Proper Bra To Wear Under My Dress. Apparently, what I Need doesn’t exist in Big Boobie Size. I have spent Several More Hours crying about the matter.

I have spent 3 Days combing through iTunes, trying to choose Witty, yet Lovely Ceremony Music. I still haven’t Can’t Decide.

I spent 1 Hour Cleaning today. We really need A New Cleaning Person before The Wedding.

I spent Every Other Waking Moment thinking about The Honeymoon. Gosh, I Cannot Wait.

At this rate, I really need The Honeymoon to last Infinity.

Greatest Hits: Karma Suit Ya

Tonight, I am Too Tired To Blog, so I mentioned to Totally Awesome Fiancé, I was going to run A Greatest Hits. He gave me A Dissapproving Look. But, Puhleeze. This Post is Funny! And Far More Entertaining than anything I would write tonight. So, Everyone Enjoy. Except for Totally Awesome Fiancé who will be Scowling the entire time.

Originally published, Tuesday, April 21, 2004

When you are trying on Swimsuits, it always helps to have a Second Opinion. I thought the Bikini I was trying on Looked Good. But I was sure it was a Special Effect, due to the Sinister Dressing Room Lighting and the Fun House Mirrors I was Positive that Bloomingdales Employed. In fact, if Dry Ice-Induced Smoke suddenly emerged from underneath the door to my fitting room, I would not have been Too Surprised. My first clue to Dressing Room Trickery is usually the Well-Upholstered Stool that they place in Fine Department Store Fitting Rooms. I don't know who that stool is supposed to be for. Often I wonder if they want you to take A Load Off, and Rest, in between Trying Each New Thing On. I think it may be a Relaxation Stool. But there is No Time For Relaxation when there is a line of Seventeen Women Outside The Door Waiting Rather Impatiently to try on New Juicy Couture. The Dressing Room Attendant told me I Looked Hot in my New Bikini, but she was a Fifty Year Old Woman who couldn't figure out Which Key Opened Which Door In The Dressing Room Area and her eyeglasses were Really Thick. So, I did what Any Other Woman would have done if she was in My Situation: I made the Emergency Phone Call.

When I was at dinner last week with My MOM and Easily Annoyed Sister, I actually witnessed Another Woman make The Emergency Phone Call. I admit, I have never used The Emergency Phone Call before, although once I Nearly Did, when I was on a date last summer with That Guy Who Didn't Know He Was Gay But The Gay Guys At The Next Table Totally Did. I had Warned Friends that that night, I was going on a First Date and had My Lifelines in place. Shabby Chic Obsessed Friend was actually on a First Date herself that night, and we knew we could call each other if The Case Need Be. I remember Excusing Myself to the Ladies' Room Of The Restaurant, taking out my cell phone and struggling to Not Dial Shabby's Number. It wasn't even that This Guy Was Gay And Didn't Know It But The Gay Guys Sitting Next To Us Did -- it was that He Poured Dressing All Over My Salad When I Clearly Ordered The Dressing On The Side and as Everyone Knows, I like my Sauces On The Side. Especially on My Salad. I eat my salad Dry. Sans Dressing. I managed to not make my Emergency Call and lived through the evening and it is a Good Thing because that First Date Shabby was on turned into a Serious Relationship and had I Called, I may have Saved My Evening, but I definitely would have Destroyed Hers. I am Good Friend.

Anyhow, last week, Easily Annoyed Sister and I were at the Valet and a woman came out, cell phone to her ear, screaming, "It is AN EMERGENCY!!!! PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE CALL ME DUE TO A DIRE EMERGENCY!! HURRY! EMERGENCY!! 911!! I SWEAR!!!" I don't think her Lifeline was Picking Up. Then This Woman calmly Closed Her Phone, resumed a Pleasant Composure, and Reentered The Restaurant. Easily Annoyed Sister and I Looked At Each Other and Knowing Exactly What Was Going On, we Rushed In To Follow Her because we had to get a Good Look at This Guy She Was Fleeing. My Easily Annoyed Sister and I both agreed, he seemed OK, but then My Easily Annoyed Sister suggested maybe He Chewed With His Mouth Open or Had A Lazy Eye and we couldn't see it from Far Away. I walked past the table, pretending I Forgot Something, just to get a Better Look and I saw No Lazy Eye so we deduced, it had to be The Chewing Thing. I thought of Going Up To Her Table, as I am a Card-Carrying Member of the Single Woman Emergency Support Team (It is an Eight Hour Course, and you lose an Entire Afternoon, but your Certification is good for Up To Four Years), and declaring "An Emergency! I have a Very Important Message for you! You need to Go Home, By Yourself, Immediately!" But then I thought, "If she was Stupid Enough to choose a Lifeline Who Screens Her Calls, This Poor Woman deserves to Suffer." I knew That Karma was going to Bite Me In The Ass sometime Soon, but I was Fearless.

Anyhow, I made the Emergency Phone Call from The Bloomingdales Dressing Room. I frantically called Shabby Chic Obsessed Friend, hissing into My Cell Phone, "SHABBY! Where are you? EMERGENCY!!!! I am in a Too Good To Be True-ly Lit Dressing Room and I need you to see me in a Bikini! The Woman Who Let Me In Here told me I look Hot, but she is Clearly Old And Blind, and I need to Hurry because there is a line of Women Impatiently Waiting To Try On Their New Terrycloth Juicy Capris outside my Dressing Room Door!! 911!!!! Get Thee to the Beverly Center, PRONTO! I SWEAR!! I'll be waiting for you on my Relaxation Stool!" Naturally, due to My Bad Karma, she was Screening Her Calls and Didn't Pick Up. Nor did she Call Me Back. It seems I Neglected To Have My Lifelines In Place before I left to Go Shopping.

Thank God it was Only A Bathing Suit This Time.

The Daily Randi Presents: Trash Or Treasure?

I have been on The Mad Hunt For Wedding Shoes. My first Dress Fitting is this Friday and I have had Three Full Weeks to Lose Five Million Pounds and Find The Perfect Pair Of Shoes. I have Failed Miserably on Both Counts.

Today, however, I think I Struck Gold! Well, Silver, at least. I have been looking for A Pair Of Shoes that are Simple, Somewhat Comfortable, Sassy, and Silverish!. These are Stuart Weitzman and I found them at Bloomie's for 40% Off. The Heel is High, but I have worn Higher before. I figure I may Fall Down in them, but I will probably Fall Down no matter what I have on my feet. I can't tell you What My Dress Looks Like, except to say that it is Very Pretty. What do you think? Trash or Treasure?




And, Yes, they are Returnable.

Ah, Sundays.

On Sundays, I go Grocery Shopping. Totally Awesome Fiancé and I have An Agreement: He takes me Out For Dinner; I Purchase Groceries. I like to make Totally Awesome Fiancé go with me. I tell him it is because I Like The Company, but really it is just because I can send him On Quests For Things On The Shopping List and make the grocery shopping chore go faster. Often, he comes back with Things that are Not On The List, just like a little boy would and I make him Put Them Back. And I like that, too. Ah, Adorable Fiancés.

Is the Pork Pie Hat the new Trucker Hat? Ugh. Totally Awesome Fiancé and I were enjoying Delicious Glasses Of Wine in A Popular Venice Bar this afternoon and we saw So Many Stupid Pork Pie Hats that we Made Up A New Game where The First Person To Spot The Pork Pie Hat As The Hipsters Entered The Bar Got A Point And Had To Drink. I Won. Alas, Bragging Rights were Not Involved. Ah, Drinking Games.

We rode Our Bikes today. Ah, Summer.

Last night, Totally Awesome Fiancé and I came home from The Movies and decided to Say Hi to The Slackmistress and Be The Boy on their Weekly Video Web Show Thing. Totally Awesome Fiancé and I sat across from each other on our computers and Chatted in some sort of Online Thing. I suppose we could have Just Talked To Each Other, but who needs Each Other when you have Technology? Ah, Computers.

After yesterday’s Flip-Flop Purchase, I now officially own Nine Pairs Of Flip-Flops. Ah, Shoes.

All my plants on my patio are Dying. Ah, Brown Thumbs.

I am not looking forward to tomorrow, mostly because I Have To Work and I am in Full On Summer Mode. Ah, Sundays.

Priceless.

Cost Of Two Pairs Of Brand New Flip-Flops Purchased At J.Crew Because They Were On Sale And I Love Flip-Flops, And Hey, I Can Use A Pair Of New Flip-Flops For The Honeymoon: $15.

Cost Of One Medium Popcorn For Me And One Junior Mints For Totally Awesome Fiancé And One Dasani Water For Each Of Us: $15

Cost Of Two Movie Tickets To Go See Wall E, Which Was Adorable By The Way And Very Romantic, Using Pre-Purchased Gold AMC Discount Tickets: $15

Cost Of Incredibly Overpriced Parking Garage At Mall To Go Shopping For Flip-Flops And See Adorable Movie, Ohmygod, They Have To Be Kidding, Right, As If Gas Prices Weren’t Bad Enough We Are Never Coming Back Here Again And Yes, We Got Validated: $15.

Dress You Up With Your (Stylist’s) Love

I have become Obsessed with This Dress:

Yes. This One.
It started with An Obsession With All Things Maxi. Angelina Jolie has been wearing this longer style of dresses all over the globe, while pregnant with twins and I keep seeing her pictures in The Trashy Magazines That I Adore. Of course, I can’t stand Angelina Jolie and believe she is A Big Whore. But, this summer, she has inexplicably become My Maxi Dress Role Model. I drooled over This Dress, but after doing A Department Store/Internet Search, I sadly discovered it was Sold Out.

However, a few days later, I saw a picture of The Hills’s Lauren Conrad in A Maxi Dress and I decided I needed to have That One instead.

I found The Dress On-Line. Naturally, I Immediately Purchased It.
Now, thank goodness, I had rid of My Obsession With All Things Maxi, Ala Angelina Jolie. Unfortunately, now I find I Want All Things Maxi, ala Lauren Conrad. I may have A New Muse that Everyone Else Finds Quite Amusing. But I also know: This Dress Is Hot. In fact, I Loved It So Much, I purchased Another of The Exact Same Dress, in A New Color, just because I saw Christian Aguilera had been photographed wearing on the streets of New York. And now I find I want All Things Maxi, ala Christina Aguilera.

It really is A Disease.
Last Sunday afternoon, I wore One Of The Dresses to The Neighborhood Farmer’s Market. The Result was Two Different Women stopping me and asking me Where I Got My Dress. One woman even took A Picture Of Me Wearing The Dress With Her Cell Phone. Now, I suppose I am Someone Else’s Inspiration.

And somewhere in Hollywood, A Stylist Cannot Stop Laughing.

Freaks and Geeks

Los Angeles is full of Famous People. When you live here, you see them All The Time. In fact, we have So Many Famous People living here, you tend not to Get Excited. Well, you Secretly Get Excited. But you have to Act Like You Don’t Care, otherwise it is An Admission That You Are Not Nearly As Famous As They Are and that is Totally Un-Cool by Los Angeles Living Standards. See, everyone wants everyone else to Think They Are Somebody when you live in LA.

As a result of these Los Angeles Living Standards, Totally Awesome Fiancé and I have what we like to refer to as Our Short List Of Celebrities Who We Would Bother If We Saw Them Out In Real Life Even If It Means We Look Totally Un-Cool And Un-Famous. On our list is Any Cast Member From Lost (Even If It Is A Small Supporting Role/Guest Spot), JJ Abrams (Creator Of Lost And Other Cool, Amazing Shows), Any Of The Stars Of Freaks and Geeks, and Judd Apatow (Creator of Freaks and Geeks and My Favorite Film Of Last Year, Knocked Up, Also He Is Originally From Long Island). I personally will also Bother Anyone From The Hills. If A Person On Our List is Spotted, we have complete freedom to Say Hello And Talk To Them.

Late last week, Totally Awesome Fiancé were walking around The New Trendy Los Angels Mall that just opened out in The 818. I dragged him there because I adore the Old Trendy Los Angeles Mall in The 323 and The New Trendy Mall was supposed to be Just Like The Old Trendy Mall, only Trendier and Bigger. These Malls are designed by the same developer and are supposed to look like Main Street USA, complete with Bellagio-Style Fountains. It was Hot, so we ended up sitting at The Bar Of A Restaurant for Refreshments. And who do we spot Leaving? Judd Apatow!! “Totally Awesome Fiancé, Judd Apatow is On Our Short List Of Celebrities Who We Would Bother If We Saw Them Out In Real Life Even If It Means We Look Totally Un-Cool And Un-Famous! Go Chase Him Down The New Trendy Los Angeles Mall Fake Street And Talk To Him! And Don’t Fall In The Fountain!”

But, Judd Apatow got away.

Luckily, a bit later, as I was coming out of Pinkberry, we Saw Him Again! He was with his whole family! No One Seemed To Recognize Him but Us.

I walked right up to him. “We can’t walk past without telling you we are Huge Fans of Everything You Do,” I said.

Totally Awesome Fiancé added, “And we are both Former Long Islanders, too!”

Judd Apatow asked us Where We Were From On Long Island, I Told Him We Owned All His Movies, I Told His Family We Loved Them, Too, and then we were On Our Way. It was Brilliant! I kind of wish I had also told him I Didn’t Think The Deleted Scene About Paul Rudd Secretly Farting All The Time Should Have Been Deleted From Knocked Up Because It Was So Freaking Funny And I Am Glad I Got To See It On The DVD. But, I Forgot.

Anyhow, now Judd Apatow knows we are Not Nearly As Famous As He Is And Totally Un-Cool! Which makes us either A Freak or A Geek!

And that, I suppose, makes us Cool in his eyes. So, it all Works Out.

When God Shows You Lemon (Crème Kisses), You Find Them.

I tend to Obsess about Things. I mean Really Obsess. For example, Sunday, I saw An Ad In The Target Circular for Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses. Now, I have Never tasted A Lemon Crème Hershey Kiss, but I knew, upon seeing The Adorable, Delicious Picture Of Them In The Target Circular, I must Have Them. Never mind that They Are Probably One Million Weight Watcher Points and I may Never Fit Into My Wedding Dress. (I am assuming I Devour The Entire Bag.) Lemon Crème Kisses sound So Tasty! I love Lemon Meringue Pie! Lemon Tarts! Lemons! And, I love Hershey Kisses! And Crème, whatever that is! Yes, I (Probably) Love Crème! How could Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses go wrong?!

So, on Sunday, I promptly got dressed, kissed Totally Awesome Fiancé goodbye, and then I drove to Every Single Santa Monica Store That Could Possibly Sell Candy. But, instead of The Much Coveted Bag Of Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses, I found A Plentiful Supply Of Bags Of All Sorts Of Other Varieties Of Hershey Kisses. There were Chocolate Kisses, Chocolate Marshmallow Kisses, Cherry Cordial Kisses, Chocolate Peanut Butter Kisses, Chocolate Caramel Kisses, Easter Kisses, Candy Coated Kisses, et al. There was Everything except Lemon Crème Freaking Kisses. And, so, I continue to Obsess.

Of course, I suppose I could have simply gone to Target, where I Originally Saw That They Were On Sale. But, going to Target on A Sunday can be such A Headache. Driving around to Every Single Santa Monica Store That Could Possibly Sell Candy?

Yeah, well, I promise, it makes Perfect Sense In This Crazy, Obsessive Head Of Mine.

Wedding D(St)ress

This weekend, I found My Wedding Dress!

I wish I could Tell You All About It, or even Post A Picture, but Totally Awesome Fiancé is A Regular Reader and he wants to be surprised. So, like all of you will just have to pretend You Are The One Marrying Me, too. It will be Revealed after The Wedding!

I can write that it is Beee-a-utiful, Perfect, and it was The Fourth or Fifth Dress I tried on at The First Place we went to. Easily Annoyed Sister and I visited Three Other Shops after we found The Dress, just to make sure it was The One. But, much like when I First Met Totally Awesome Fiancé, I knew it was The One immediately and didn’t want to Part With It/Take It Off. It kills me that I will only get to wear it One Day. Maybe I will put it on, like, Every Anniversary, just so that I can Don It Again and Again.

Wedding Dress Shopping was quite The Experience. Easily Annoyed Sister flew in Friday Night, just to help me with this task. I thought it was going to be Awful, because I Hate That Princessy Wedding Dress Look. But, it turns out, The Wedding Dress Place Salespeople were Very Nice and apparently, Lots Of Women Hate That Princessy Wedding Dress Look, too, and they knew exactly where to steer me. In fact, A Shop Owner was The Person who found The Dress I Loved and suggested it to me. Now I think she is some sort of Wedding Dress Place Genius.

Of course, Some Places were Painful to shop in. There were Rules up the kazoo – No Pictures, Sign In, Don’t Touch The Dresses. One place made me stand on Footprints, Naked, Hands Over Head, before they would lower the dresses on top of me. Some places had No Mirrors in the dressing room. Tags were ripped out of the gowns, so that you had No Idea What or Who You Were Trying On and What The Dress Should Be Really Worth. A shop in Beverly Hills insisted A Gown I was wearing -- incidentally, The Only Dress I had Tried On in their shop that I Actually Liked -- had just been Discontinued, but they could sell me The Sample Dress for Only $1500. “This is a $2900 Dress!” they explained. “You would be getting A Steal!” The next day, we saw The Exact Same Dress in another store, for $500 and we were told it was in no way “Discontinued.” Apparently, The Only Steal in the other store was going to be The $1000 They wanted to Steal from Me.

And, so now I can move on to Bigger and Better Things. Like, Picking A Photographer. And Finding A Florist. And we still need to Recruit A Rabbi. Let’s just hope that None of these people make me Stand Naked On Footprints, Steal My Money, or try to Lower Their Goods On Top Of My Head.

Because that would make me feel Really Awkward in front of A Florist.

It's Not My Style. (Unless It Is Style Network.)

On Saturdays, after I Work Out, I usually stop at A Starbucks on my drive home. The Starbucks I frequent on those mornings happens to be next to An Enormous Bridal Wear Company Store. For years, I have been getting my coffee here, barely giving The Bridal Store a glance. But, since I have gotten Engaged, I find My Interest Has Been Piqued. So, this past Saturday, I decided to Check Out The Store.

I walked in behind Two Woman. I think it was A Girl With Her Mom. They were instantly greeted by A Salesperson. They told her they were there to Buy A Dress and then they were Whisked Away.

And then I Stood And Waited for Someone To Help Me.

No One Did. At first I attributed this to My Work Out Attire. After all – I had just come from class and was A Bit Sweaty. But, I was Sweaty and Cute, not Sweaty and Homeless, so I think they still should have Asked Me Why I Was There. Instead, The Salesclerks Glanced My Way and then continued to Chat Amongst Themselves. “Maybe they think No One Could Possibly Want To Marry Me,” I assumed. So I started looking around the store on my own.

Okay, something must be Wrong With Me because I hate All Things Bridal, but I Adore Bridal Television Shows. I mean, These Dresses were Ugly. No, they were Fugly. But I love that show, Say Yes To The Dress. These dresses, though, were So Not Yessable. White and Frilly and Lacey and Sparkly in Unattractive Ways. I watched One Girl – with her Mom and about Six Of Her Closest Friends/Bridesmaids – Try On The Ugliest Excuse For A Dress I Have Ever Seen. They were Oohing and Aahing, but That Thing Looked Like It Was Going To Eat Her. It was Huge. And Unflattering. Another woman was admiring The Ugly Flower Thing attached to Mannequin’s Neck. This was In Real Life, not on Some Reality Wedding Show. I left the store and headed for Starbucks.

As if That Experience wasn’t Bad Enough, the next day, I attended A Bridal Expo in downtown Los Angeles. THIS IS OFFICIALLY MY NEW VISION OF HELL. My first clue that I Would Be Miserable was when I Checked In at Registration. The Woman handed me Two Tickets.

“Oh. I only need One.” I informed her. I am By Myself.”

She stared at me. And Blinked. And then she said, “Well, are you sure that you don’t want to Take The Other Ticket, just in case?”

Just In Case of What, I never learned. But, I did learn that I hate Bridal Expos, too. Who Cares about Half This Crap? Unless it is Happening To Someone Else, I mean. Still, clusters of girls were Oohing and Aahing over Flowers and Stationary and Teeth Whitening and Bridal Flip Flops and Breast Augmentation and 19-Year-Old DJs. I was without a doubt The Oldest Bride there. And The Only One There Who Used Only One Ticket. I guess one is supposed to have A Bridal Entourage in order to Get Married. But, I don’t intend to have A Bridal Party At All. And My Closest Family – other than Totally Awesome Fiancé – live 3000 miles away. I go Shopping all the time by myself. What is The Big Deal?

I have Never Done Things the way everyone else does. I want A Party, but I don’t want to be told What I Am Supposed To Do At It. I don’t need A Band. I don’t want to wear An Ugly, Overpriced Dress. I don’t need Someone To Tell Me How To Wear My Hair. I don’t want to Look Like A Princess. I definitely don’t want A 19-Year-Old DJ. I must have A Jewish Ceremony. I also Demand Cocktails. And Snacks. And Fun Music, like The Kind I Have On My iPod. I want Our Day to be Special and Festive. Basically, I want A Well Dressed, Well Attended Happy Hour.

I am beginning to think that maybe that means, I should just Stay Home, wear My Ugliest Dress, and Watch An Hour of Married Away instead.

M.I.A.

Since I Moved and have Completely Unpacked, I have now discovered that there are Two Things Conspicuously Missing:

1. My Beloved New York Mets Hat

and

2. My JCrew Gift Card, presented to me for My Birthday by Easily Annoyed Sister.

Should I be Suspicious of Totally Awesome Boyfriend? His Silly Yankees are playing Lousy Baseball and He Has Been Dressing Very Preppy of late. Of course, he claims to have No Idea Where My Mets Hat Is. And he tells me The Preppy Thing must just be My Influence On His Closet. But, by No Idea Where My Mets Hat Is, could he really mean, I Sold It At Our Yard Sale Or Threw It Away In The Garbage/Fireplace When You Weren’t Looking? And by My Influence On His Closet might he be saying, I Went Shopping On Your Easily Annoyed Sister’s Dime and By The Way Happy Belated Birthday, Tell Her Thanks For The Flip-Flops?

Then again, I may have just Misplaced The Hat and Already Spent The Giftcard.

Eh. Shit Happens.