Eat Your Heart Out, J.Lo's Second Marriage!

One Year Ago, Totally Awesome Fiancé became Totally Awesome Husband and I could finally cease having to put in That Stupid Accent Mark Over The "E" In Fiancé!!! Remember? I used to Blog Every Day? I made Paper Flowers? My MOM drove me NUTS?

Anyhow, I am Very Excited because not only do I get to eat Frozen Wedding Cake, but we will also have More Room In The Freezer! Also, now we get to keep All The Gifts if we get Divorced. I really didn't want to have to give up That Crock Pot.

To Celebrate, we are going to go to Dinner at The Inn of the Seventh Ray, where we got Married. And....That's sort of It. The First Anniversary is A Paper Anniversary Gift, which is kind of Lame. I told Totally Awesome Husband to just give me Money.

Hey? When is The Plastic Anniversary? Or The Small Electronic Anniversary? I need A New iPod.

Only One More Year to still qualify for The Newlywed Game!

Princess Mi.

When Princess Diana died, I was Really Upset. I LOOVED Princess Diana. Part of is the timing of her Appearance On The Scene. I was eleven when The Royal Wedding took place, and I remember watching The Whole Thing on Television with my dad before the camp bus picked me up. Eleven-Year-Old Girls dream of Growing Up and marrying A Prince and here was that myth come to life on my TV set! But, as I matured, I stopped believing in Prince Charming – around the same time she did, I would guess -- and began to admire Her Sense Of Style and Glamorous Lifestyle. When she died, I was Devastated. And just I did for her wedding to Prince Charles, I got up Extra Early to watch her funeral. I was So Sad she was gone. I thought she was Irreplaceable.

Until last night, when I was watching President Obama and his wife, Michelle, dance at An Inaugural Ball. Sure, I was thinking, “I really like Barak Obama! Yay for A New President!” But I was also thinking This: “Yay for Michelle Obama’s Dress!!!”

Seriously, That White Ball Gown thing was Really Really Nice! Totally My Style. I decided it is Exactly What I Would Wear if Totally Awesome Husband had An Inauguration. I liked That Gold Dress Thing she had on earlier in the day, too. It looked Vintagey. I can’t wear That Yellow Color, though. I would want it maybe in some shade of Blue or Green maybe.

I thought that was it with The New First Lady and Me. Until I saw This Photograph On The Front Page of Yahoo News:

So cute!!

Ohmygod, it is Fabulous!! I want it, too!! Who Made It? Where do I Buy It?? And then I had A Revelation: I have found myself A New Princess Di!!

Truth is, I didn’t really pay much attention to What Michelle Obama Was Wearing until yesterday. I didn’t care for that Period Stain Dress she donned on Election Night. I had read she likes to shop at J Crew. I do, too. I walk right past that Black White Store I hear she favors when I am in the mall.

And then I saw Today’s Dress. I always liked Barak Obama, but I was really sort of Team Hilary in my heart. However, if I knew Today’s Fabulous Dress would appear, I would have Unconditionally Campaigned For It! Eh, I mean, Him. But, seriously – That Dress!

I know I should be paying closer attention to all of those Policy Things Happening. But, really, all I care about is What Michelle Obama Is Going To Wear. I hope it is on The Front Page Of Yahoo News every day.

Oh, yeah. And Peace On Earth. I want that on the Front Page, too.

Now if only The Economy would get better. I need to Buy All These New Clothes!

Pass The Mashed Dreams, Eh, I Mean Potatoes.

This is My 2008 Thanksgiving Day Post and I would just like to go on the record by stating I Am Extremely Ungrateful. I wish I had All The Money In The World, I was out of Credit Card Debt, I lived in A Mansion, and I had lots of Fancy Clothes. Oh, and A Dog. I wish I Had A Dog. And A Dog Walker. And someone to do My Hair And Makeup every time I went out. And one of those Sink-In Bath Tubs. And A Wii. I would really like An iPhone. Better Health Insurance would be Good, too. A More Effective Metabolism would be Awesome. Actually, Scratch All The Other Stuff Out, I wish I just had A Fantastic Metabolism. Then I would be Super Thin and get All That Other Stuff, anyhow. Well, A Fantastic Metabolism and A Personal Trainer. And A Dog And Dog Walker. And/Or An iPhone. Okay. Final Wish List: A Fantastic Metabolism, A Personal Trainer, and A Dog With A Touch Screen That Can Play Music, Make Calls, Surf The Web, and Pick Up Its Own Poop. That’s what I Would Be Really Grateful for this Thanksgiving.

I guess Having A Brand New, Wonderful, Loving Husband this Thanksgiving will have to do. At least he Picks Up After Himself most of the time. And he Makes Calls.

But, Seriously: Some Girls Have All The Luck.

The Daily Candy.

Today I came home from Work and searched the house for Candy. Why? Well, because Totally Awesome Husband hid All Of The Candy. Why? Because I kept Eating It. Why? Because it is Halloween! Okay, well, technically Halloween isn’t until Friday. But, I like Halloween Candy a whole lot. So, I like to get a head start. We bought A Ton of Candy for The Halloween Party we had on Saturday and we had some Left Over. And we will barely get any Trick-Or-Treaters. Someone has to Eat It!

Unfortunately, for me Eating Candy equals Extra Fanny. I really should not be Eating Candy at all. I have all The Fanny I can handle right now.

But, that didn’t stop me from Searching All Of The Cabinets, The Drawers, Under Shelves, Under The Sink, Behind The Television, Inside The Heating Vent, Behind The Air Filter, and Inside The Toilet Tank for The Candy this afternoon. Yes: Inside The Toilet Tank. No, it wasn’t there. I have No Idea where The Candy is hidden.

When I was a kid, my cousins and I used to love to visit My Grandparents. They had A Great Big House full of all sorts of interesting items. I remember a big, black, ceramic ashtray My Grandfather used to place his cigar in. And they had these really cool pink beads adorning the bathroom that we used to pretend was the backstage to our own variety show. They had a piano, and my cousins and I would take turns playing our favorite songs, culled from the sheet music stored in the piano bench with the pink needlepoint coverlet. But The Best Part about visiting My Grandparents’ House was that all over the house, there was Candy hidden! That’s because My Grandmother used to have to hide The Candy from My Grandfather. He used to like to Eat The Candy, too! Except, he was Diabetic, so he really shouldn’t have been Eating The Candy. That’s Why My Grandmother used to Hide it from him. She had No Idea that when we came to visit, My Grandfather would pay us each A Dollar if we located The Candy and Gave It To Him. One weekend, I made, like, Fifteen Dollars. I considered it Hush Money when My Grandfather had A High Blood Sugar attack later that night.

It is probably A Good Thing Totally Awesome Husband has hid The Candy from me, although it doesn’t feel all that Totally Awesome to me. I am sure I will get The Candy out of my system over time. He promises to return it to me on Halloween when I am sure to have A Candy Relapse.

But, if he doesn’t, maybe the next time you are invited over you can make A Few Bucks.

Dis(h)ed.

So, our Dishwasher is Broke.

No, I am not trying to say that Juan needs to make A Car Payment and just doesn’t have The Funds. Our Dishwasher Machine is Not Working. And it is making me Very Sad because it means we have to Wash All Of The Dishes By Hand, you know, The Old Fashioned Way, until it gets Fixed.

We called Our Landlady on Sunday night and told her about The Problem. When we run The Dishwasher it is not Cleaning The Dishes. It just sort of Swishes Water Around Them instead. But, it leaves all of The Stains and Little Pieces Of Food and Stuff. Sometimes it Redistributes The Food to Other Dishes. Apparently, The Dishwasher wants to Spread The Wealth. Take that, Joe The Plumber.

Our Landlady was Very Nice and told us she would have someone come and look at it This Week. Last Night, however, restless with The Dishwasher Still Not Working, Fingers Deteriorating Due To Dirty Domestic Duties, I went Online and Googled, “How Do You Fix A Broken Dishwasher?” I discovered it could be due to Hard Water! I found directions to Run The Dishwasher, Empty Of Dishes, adding One Cup of Lime-Away and One Cup of White Vinegar. The Directions said that This Formula worked like “Magic!” So, off I went out to the grocery store at 11 PM to purchase Lime-Away and White Vinegar. I wanted to Try This Magic Formula before I went to bed! Alas, The Stupid Formula only resulted in A Leak From Beneath The Dishwasher, so I Shut The Dishwasher Off, Mid-Cycle, Mid-Magic. But then, at One In The Morning, I couldn’t sleep because I was Still Thinking About How The Dishwasher Had All This Water In The Bottom Of It And I Was Afraid It Was Going To Leak Some More and create A Real, Un-Magical Mess, so I got up and started to Drain The Water by hand with a measuring cup. Magic, my ass.

Now, of course, I am back to Square One: Waiting for The Dishwasher Fixer Man. I hope he can figure out What The Problem Is and Fix It right away. I would hate to have to Wait Around for A Part. That would Totally Suck. It would mean Having To Hand Wash Dishes all week!

Maybe I need to find A Juan to Wash My Dishes after all.

Calling All Craftier Than Me Folk.

These are The Paper Flower Escort Cards I keep talking about.

They live in A Shoe Box!
There are 72 of them. I made 72 Freaking Paper Flowers. They aren't done yet. I still need to assemble and add The Freaking Paper Flower Table Assignment Leaves. And wrap each of them in Floral Tape.

We're not Done yet!

And then I have to figure out How To Display Them.

Here is What I Would Like To Do:

I love the ribbon!
I am told this is done with A Baking Sheet and Ribbon. That sounds Smart. Tomorrow, I am going to go on The Hunt for A Large, Flat Baking Sheet. I am on The Hunt for lots of things these days -- last week The Bra Hunt. This week The Flat Baking Tray Hunt. I can only imagine what next week's Hunt shall be for.

Well, at least I know The Hunt For A Husband is Over.

(And if any Crafty Person out there thinks I should be Hunting for Something Other Than A Large Baking Sheet, please let me know!)

Counting Down.

As of today there are Only 20 Days until I Get Married.

I have spent 16 Hours creating 48 Paper Flowers. That is 4 Hours per 12 Flowers. I still have to make 24 more. That means 8 Hours to go.

14 Invitees neglected to RSVP by Today, our final reply by date. I spent 1 Hour making calls, trying to track down their responses.

I spent 8 Hours creating Table Cards for The Wedding. In case you are keeping track, that is about 3 More Hours than The Table Cards will actually be Used.

I have spent 4 Days searching for The Proper Bra To Wear Under My Dress. Apparently, what I Need doesn’t exist in Big Boobie Size. I have spent Several More Hours crying about the matter.

I have spent 3 Days combing through iTunes, trying to choose Witty, yet Lovely Ceremony Music. I still haven’t Can’t Decide.

I spent 1 Hour Cleaning today. We really need A New Cleaning Person before The Wedding.

I spent Every Other Waking Moment thinking about The Honeymoon. Gosh, I Cannot Wait.

At this rate, I really need The Honeymoon to last Infinity.

Mr. UPS Man…Send Me A Dream (From Target!)

The Best Part about Getting Married in Just A Few Weeks is that UPS comes to our door Every Day! Me and The UPS Man are Old Pals now. Lately, he has been bringing me Things From Pottery Barn. But, today Mr. UPS came by and brought us Our Ketubah! It came out Beeeautiful! A Ketubah, in case you are wondering, is A Jewish Marriage Contract. The Ketubah gets signed before The Wedding Ceremony, so when people ask us, “Hey! Are you going to See Each Other Before The Ceremony? The answer is, “Yes!” Because The Ceremony actually begins before The Ceremony. In the olden days, A Ketubah was basically a document that stated that The Groom would be Really Nice to The Bride, in exchange for Taking Her Away From Her Parents Forever. Well, okay, that was The Gist of it anyway. Nowadays, these things say we are going to Treat Each Other With Respect and Love Each Other, and Be Fruitful, and Do Jewish Things With Our Kids, and Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. It is sort of like Signing Marriage Vows. Since people hang these in their homes, The Artwork is Important, too. And it is Personalized and Handwritten in English and Hebrew. We agonized over Which Text to Take and Which Print to Pick for like weeks. And this is What We Chose:

We have to Sign in English and Hebrew!
Isn’t it Pretty? It is called “Tree of Life.” I favored it because I like all The Jewish Stars Hanging In The Sky. And also, we liked The Big Tree. We have A Big Tree on Our Patio. Totally Awesome Fiancé proposed to me under That Big Tree! So, Trees are Nice. I can’t wait to Sign It.

I also can’t wait to see what Mr. UPS Man brings me tomorrow! I hope it is Something From Crate And Barrel! Or My Etsy Hair Flowers! Or The Wine Of The Month Club!

I Heart You, Mr. UPS Man!

Priceless.

Cost Of Two Pairs Of Brand New Flip-Flops Purchased At J.Crew Because They Were On Sale And I Love Flip-Flops, And Hey, I Can Use A Pair Of New Flip-Flops For The Honeymoon: $15.

Cost Of One Medium Popcorn For Me And One Junior Mints For Totally Awesome Fiancé And One Dasani Water For Each Of Us: $15

Cost Of Two Movie Tickets To Go See Wall E, Which Was Adorable By The Way And Very Romantic, Using Pre-Purchased Gold AMC Discount Tickets: $15

Cost Of Incredibly Overpriced Parking Garage At Mall To Go Shopping For Flip-Flops And See Adorable Movie, Ohmygod, They Have To Be Kidding, Right, As If Gas Prices Weren’t Bad Enough We Are Never Coming Back Here Again And Yes, We Got Validated: $15.

When God Shows You Lemon (Crème Kisses), You Find Them.

I tend to Obsess about Things. I mean Really Obsess. For example, Sunday, I saw An Ad In The Target Circular for Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses. Now, I have Never tasted A Lemon Crème Hershey Kiss, but I knew, upon seeing The Adorable, Delicious Picture Of Them In The Target Circular, I must Have Them. Never mind that They Are Probably One Million Weight Watcher Points and I may Never Fit Into My Wedding Dress. (I am assuming I Devour The Entire Bag.) Lemon Crème Kisses sound So Tasty! I love Lemon Meringue Pie! Lemon Tarts! Lemons! And, I love Hershey Kisses! And Crème, whatever that is! Yes, I (Probably) Love Crème! How could Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses go wrong?!

So, on Sunday, I promptly got dressed, kissed Totally Awesome Fiancé goodbye, and then I drove to Every Single Santa Monica Store That Could Possibly Sell Candy. But, instead of The Much Coveted Bag Of Lemon Crème Hershey Kisses, I found A Plentiful Supply Of Bags Of All Sorts Of Other Varieties Of Hershey Kisses. There were Chocolate Kisses, Chocolate Marshmallow Kisses, Cherry Cordial Kisses, Chocolate Peanut Butter Kisses, Chocolate Caramel Kisses, Easter Kisses, Candy Coated Kisses, et al. There was Everything except Lemon Crème Freaking Kisses. And, so, I continue to Obsess.

Of course, I suppose I could have simply gone to Target, where I Originally Saw That They Were On Sale. But, going to Target on A Sunday can be such A Headache. Driving around to Every Single Santa Monica Store That Could Possibly Sell Candy?

Yeah, well, I promise, it makes Perfect Sense In This Crazy, Obsessive Head Of Mine.

It's A Hard Drive Life

My Hard Drive apparently Died. Am using Totally Awesome Fiance's Computer. Am Sick To My Stomach because I Never Ever Backed Up Anything And Now Am Terribly Erribly Screwed.

Sympathy, please. My MacBook is only 15 Months Old. And if anyone knows someone who can Help Me Retrieve My Files In An Inexpensive Way, please E-Mail. I'll get Superjux Hilary to Bake You Something. In the meantime, I shall be back Soon.

The Daily Randi Needs A Website Designer

Hey. I need A Website Designer. Not for My Blog. I need someone to Design The Site for The Small Biz I Own. I need A Great Logo and New Business Cards. But, here is The Thing: I need it to look Good, have some Flash, not look like A Template. And I don't have A Big Budget. Someone who is Clever and Creative and Just Starting Out, looking to Build A Portfolio is Who I Need.

If anyone out there Can Help Me, please let me know.

Thank you!

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