Have You Seen My Childhood? Oh. It Died On Thursday.

Hey. So, how 'bout That Michael Jackson?

On Thursday, I came home from Work and discovered that not only had Farrah Fawcett Died, but so had Michael Jackson. I mean What Were The Chances that Two of The Hugest Icons of my childhood would kick the bucket on the Same Freaking Day? I bet Henry Winkler was Relieved when he made it through to Friday.

Everyone knew that Farrah had The Best Hair when I was A Kid. Dorothy Hamill and Sandy At The End Of Grease were The Closest Runners Up. I am happy to report, I did Great Farrah Hair. My hair was naturally Thick, Wavy, and Blonde back in the day and as long as Farrah Hair was Popular, so was I. I was kind of Sad to hear that she was gone. Not to be Morbid, but I hope they do A Nice Wig for her at her funeral. The Mortician should be Delighted and Honored!

Now, Michael Jackson is a whole other ball of wax, no pun intended. Hearing Michael Jackson Died was sort of like learning That That Weird Girl You Made Fun Of In Tenth Grade Had Grown Up And Committed Suicide And Suddenly You Felt Bad For All The Names You Called Her, Even Though She Really Was A Freak And Deserved It. I couldn't believe he Died and in his honor, I made sure that I Downloaded All Of His Songs That I Owned But Previously Thought I Didn't Need Taking Up Space In My iTunes Because It Was Uncool. Totally Awesome Husband and I spent most of the day in bed Saturday afternoon, watching Michael Jackson Videos on VH1. We figured we must have seen The Entire Canon at least one time through. Some of these videos we hadn't seen in Years. Like That We Are The World Video. Wow. That's what I call A Hot Mess. Why is Dan Ackroyd there? And Bruce Springsteen Parodies himself. Who thought to include Kenny Loggins? Also, we saw some Video we both had never seen before with Chris Tucker and Marlon Brando. Train Wreck. And then that In The Closet video with Naomi Campbell. That is actually a pretty Good one, mostly because Herb Ritts directed it and it has his polish. But Michael Jackson seems completely oblivious to Hot, Sexy, Female Naomi Campbell writhing away in half a shirt just a few feet away. I haven't watched Videos all day in years.

I read over the weekend that The Jackson Family was looking for A Will and would be holding A Family Meeting. Oh, to be A Fly On The Wall Of A Jackson Family Meeting! LaToya is just Excited she is Invited. Janet sits in the corner, One Boob Hanging Out. And you got to feel Bad for The Jackson Who Is Bequeathed The Elephant Man's Bones. Talk about A Dust Collector. Sorry, Marlon.

I really hope they do some sort of Elaborate Funeral Thing for the guy, ala Princess Diana, but, like at Disneyland. Or like, Embalm Him and put him on tour like James Brown. Maybe he will be buried and emerge from his grave like he does in his Thriller video.

Now that would indeed be Thrilling.

Well, We Definitely All Learned Something.

Today I was playing The Where Game with a group of my Third Graders. This is one of those Basic Theatre Games that teaches a student How To Show An Audience Where One Is without words, simply by really believing in One’s Imagined Activities and Actions. Basically, I give the class A Location and then one by one, each eight year old goes on up and adds a character and activity to our silent story. I might say, “You are at The Gap!” and then a girl will go up and pretend to Fold Clothes and another then goes up and pretends to Fold Clothes and then another will go up and pretend to purchase The Folded Clothes and then another student will Fold Clothes. That’s How You Know You Are In The Gap, apparently. One time I gave them, “The Hospital!” as a location and they all went up on stage and pretended to Throw Up.

Today’s location was “Starbucks!” One by one, the students went up and did Starbucksy Things. One pretended to Make Coffee. Someone else pretended to Type On A Laptop. Lots just stood around and Drank Coffee. It all seemed pretty Realistic, with the exception of One Little Boy who was staggering around the stage, sipping out of his cup like it was a baby bottle or something.

“Remember that Coffee is Hot and doesn’t usually come in bottles. Next time, try to really imagine that cup in your hand and sip your drink. Or pretend there is a straw,” I suggested when our game was through.

“Oh, I wasn’t drinking Coffee, Miss The Daily Randi,” said the student. “I was drinking Whisky.”

What I Did On My Blogging Vacation.

Oh. Hey. Hi, There.

Well, like I said, I have been Pretty Busy these days. My Big Work Project – the one I have been working on since December -- has its World Premiere in two weeks on The School Stage. It is going to be Really Good and Super Cute, I think. Of course, I may be slightly biased, being The Big Work Project’s Director.

Also, I have decided that I Should Go To Graduate School next year! I figured I needed A New Hobby and I like School, so Why Not Take Up More Of That? I am hoping to earn my Masters in Education, with an emphasis on Creative Literacy, which is basically using The Arts to teach Reading and Other Subjects. I am half way through The Application Process and it has taken up a lot of Time. I have had to write, like, Three Statements so far about My Purpose. Which totally Sucks because I am not sure I Have A Purpose, other than Reading Us Magazine and Watching Marathons Of The Hills. Also, I have to take These Stupid Standardized Tests in a few weeks and I have had to Study. And by Study, what I really mean is I have Purchased A Prep Book At Borders And Opened It Twice While Wearing My Glasses And Sitting At A Starbucks. I kind of don’t like Tests. Or Studying for them. Being A Student is Terrific, though. Think of The Discounts!

Other interesting things that have happened in The Last Two Months:

The Battery finally Died on my laptop.

Totally Awesome Husband got An iPhone.

American Idol had been Really Boring this season.

You know, like I said, I have been Really Busy. Sometimes it is Good to take A Break and that is What I Have Done.

And now, It is Good to be Back.

I Was So Busy I Forgot To Blog.

Dear Readers,

Please do not Fret! The Daily Randi has been Very Busy and shall be Back To Blogging in just a short while. Maybe even....This Week! Of course, I could be Entertaining you right now with An Exciting Story, rather than writing this I Am Coming Back Soon Note. But, where is The Fun in that?

In the meantime, don't you watch Oprah? She just joined Twitter and you should, too. Follow me on Twitter if you Need To Know What I Am Doing Every Few Hours until I Blog Again. I am listed as...TheDailyRandi.

Miss you Lots!

xoxo,
TDR

The Daily Randi And The Mysterious Case Of The Mysterious Race.

As most of you know, I have been Exercising every single day since the beginning of the year. Twice a week, I take A Dance Class. And the rest of the time, I Walk. I usually travel between three and five miles when I Walk and I tell myself I don’t have to go Very Fast. My Walk is just an hour or so alone with Me.

One of the Benefits of Walking So Much is that I get out of the house and See Things. Like That Green Matching Outfit Couple I wrote about a few weeks ago. But, I have seen other things, too. For example, there is A Paper Making Store up my street! Who Knew? Also, one of our neighbors collects Garden Gnomes! I never noticed them before because Said Neighbor only likes Extra Tiny Garden Gnomes and you have to be Walking By to see them. Best of all, I think I have finally figured out Who The Person Is Who Doesn’t Pick Up After Their Dog! This is A Mystery that has been Plaguing Me for weeks. Apparently, there is A Man who accompanies several dogs to the dog park around the corner and I have personally watched A Pooch Poop while Pup Person plays Too Pooped To Poop-Remove. Walking has turned me into (An Alliterating) Nancy Drew!

Now on to The Next Mystery: Last Sunday, Totally Awesome Husband I ran A Local Race. He did The 10K and I did The 5K. My race was first. After I was done (in Record Time for Me) I waited at The Finish Line to watch Totally Awesome Husband complete his run. But in between there was A Baby Buggy 10K just ending. Moms and Dads racing with kids in literal tow were running their races at rapid pace. And some of these parents were Super Fast! I have to think that each Baby Buggy has its own special aero-dynamics going on because some were obviously Quicker than Others. Clearly, some parents went for Speed over Safety when choosing a baby carriage. And these parents had Odd Racing Strategies. The Winning Baby Buggy Racer actually pushed his baby buggy about ten feet ahead and then ran to catch up with it before pushing it again. I tried The Same Strategy on Easily Annoyed Sister when she was A Baby and it resulted in Lots Of Blood, A Large Scar On Her Forehead That She Hides To This Day With Her Hair, and Her Lifelong Resentment Of All Things Me. This guy earned A Medal. I hope he gave The Medal to His Baby, because I think, technically, The Buggy beat him by about Ten Seconds. Hmmm….

I may need to form A Running Group with The Hardy Boys to get to the bottom of This One.

Twenty Five Things About The Daily Randi

1. I usually hate doing These Things and am only doing it because of Peer Pressure which is the same excuse I use when I eat too many peanuts at a baseball game.



2. I used to smoke a pack and a half a day to two packs a day for eight years. I quit Cold Turkey in 1996. And then for some reason, I started up again in 2003. But then I quit again, Cold Turkey a year later. I Won't Ever Smoke Again.



3. I won't eat Foods On Sticks. I don't get it. Why a stick? What do you do with the stick when you are done? The only exception to this rule are Popsicles, because they are Delicious. And chicken drumsticks because I like to think of them as "Nature's Stick."



4. My greatest fear is that aliens will come down to Earth from their Crazy Alien Planet and probe me and stuff and then I will be returned to Earth and will tell people, "Hey! Aliens came down to Earth and Probed Me!" and No One Will Believe Me. It's the No One Believing Me part that I fear. Not the actual Alien Probing.



5. I don't know How To Clean A Bathtub and prefer to hire Knowledgeable People to do the job for me.



6. Totally Awesome Husband grew up 45 Minutes away from me on Long Island. But we met 3000 Miles away in Los Angeles.



7. My College Best Friend and I once came up with an Amazing and Intricate back story for the Feed The Birds Woman in "Mary Poppins." That Woman needs her story told. It's A Heartbreaker.



8. I have My Amateur Radio License and can understand and send Morse code.



9. I greatly enjoy California Red Wines. I pour myself A Glass nearly every night, take Two Sips and then Spill The Rest Out. Totally Awesome Husband thinks this is Very Odd Behavior.



10. I once Waited on Jeremy Piven. He was An Asshole and asked me to tell The Manager he wanted "a hotter waitress." The Worst Part is The Manager switched my section with another server so that Jeremy Piven could have "a hotter waitress." I think both Jeremy Piven and The Manager were and still are "dicks."



11. My Movie Star Boyfriend is George Clooney.



12. My Favorite Vodka is Stoli.



13. I was once accused of being a "Knitting Bully" and asked to leave A Knitting Group. Long Story.



14. When I go to England, I have to change my name because "Randi" sounds like "randy" which means Horny. So, when I am there I go by "Liz." I didn't know this the first time I went there. I thought I was just Really Super Popular.



15. I love to read but Hate being told I Have To Read Something.



16. I have A Fantasy of purchasing the rights to "My Sweet Audrina" by VC Andrews and producing The Best Most Cheesy Television Movie Ever. I also think it would make A Great Musical.



17. I am Obsessed with The Hills but am Bored by The City.



18. I am The World's Worst Speller. I used to score terribly on spelling tests and to this day I have no idea How To Spell the most simple words. I believe I have some sort of Spelling Mental Disorder/Block and should have been tested for such a thing upon entering school so as to save me from a ton of Angst and ever having to take spelling tests.



19. I spent more than half my life Dreaming Of Getting Off An Island. This year marks the Tenth since I was Rescued. Now I live with a fear that An Earthquake will happen and make Where I Live An Island and I will once again Need To Get Off One.



20. Even though I am from New York, I grew up watching Connecticut Television and listening to Connecticut Radio Stations because we had No Cable. And Connecticut was only 15 miles away. Even though it would take you Three Hours To Drive There. (And I can't spell Connecticut without spell check.)



21. I was Devastated by 9/11.



22. I have a rule when I go to the movies that No One Can Start Eating Their Popcorn Until The Actual Movie Begins. Coming Attractions don't count. When I go to the movies with someone, and they Break The Rule, I sometimes become So Upset I can't enjoy the movie.



23. Back in 1993, I had an argument with a man about Eddie Vedder of Pearl Jam. He said that in ten years, No One Will Remember Pearl Jam or Its Lead Singer because he was just a flash in a pan. I argued that He Would Still Be Around. I Win.



24. Eric Stoltz once accused me of Destroying His Performance On Stage and tried to hit me and Lewis Black came to my rescue by Blocking The Punch. (By the way, I had nothing to do with Distracting Eric Stoltz On Stage. He later, sort of apologized. But I still hold A Grudge and great movies like "Some Kind of Wonderful" and "Mask" have been Ruined For Me Forever.)



25. I once fell down the stairs at The (Very Crowded, Post-Ppera) Dorothy Chandler Pavilion. And by Fall, I mean I Rolled Down Every Single One Of Those Stairs Until I Landed At The Bottom. It was An Accident. I blame The Stairs.

What Would Oprah Do?

This week I Lost One Pound. While you may think this is Okay, I Do Not. Why? Because this was merely The Extra Pound I gained last week for Good Luck. Which brings My Total Weight Loss thus far to:

ZERO POUNDS.

Yes, in Four Weeks I have Lost Nothing! Nada! ZILCH! This despite going for An Hour Walk five times this week and Three Hours of a Cardio Dance Class. And writing down Everything I Eat, INCLUDING TONS OF VEGETABLES. And Not Drinking. Except for Ounces Upon Ounces Of Water.

To make matters Worse, everyone else at my meeting is Losing Weight! Celebrating! Getting Stars and Stickers and Stuff! And of course, this week I have to sit next to Nosy Nancy who wants to know, "How did you do this week!?" only because she wants to tell me She Lost Three Pounds.

"It's None of Your Fucking Business, Nosy Nancy. This is between Me and Oprah." I didn't say that. I just pretended I was Deaf and began Using Fake Sign Language with My Imaginary, Also Deaf Weight Loss Buddy across the room. I gave The Thumbs Up Sign. But I really wanted to give The Finger.

When I came home, Totally Awesome Husband announced he has lost Five Pounds just from Eating What I Have Been Eating. He was Very Excited.

And Somewhere Oprah is Having The Last (Evil) Laugh.