For Better. (Or For Worse.)

The night before The Wedding, I Freaked Out.

I mean, like Totally Freaked Out. Totally Awesome Husband and I had invited everyone all of our Wedding Guests to one of our favorite Happy Hour Joints. Lots of people came, including My Family, His Family, Old Neighbors From Back East, Etcetera. It was really touching to see all of these people and know that they flew in to Los Angeles just for The Wedding.

Until, of course, I realized all of these people flew in to Los Angeles just for The Wedding and I Totally Freaked Out.

Now, I am not going to beat around the bush here: When I Freak Out, I get Diarrhea. And so The Night Before The Wedding, I began consuming Pepto Bismol Max by The Hour. I drank So Much Pepto Bismol Max before The Wedding, I could have made the bottle my Maid Of Honor, chosen Pepto Bismol Pink Linens, and Tossed My Cookies rather than A Bouquet.

I was supposed to stay with Easily Annoyed Sister the night before, instead of staying at home with Totally Awesome Husband. I pictured Easily Annoyed Sister and I in her Hotel Room, giggling like Schoolgirls. “I can’t believe I have to kiss him on the lips!” I would shriek, trying on my phantom wedding veil. And then I would spin around and fall on the king sized bed and ask her to pass the chocolate while Flock Of Seagulls played in the background. Leave it to me to Imagine The Night Before My Wedding as A Bad Jennifer Garner Movie. I was definitely going to be Sick.

And so, I demanded at the bar that Totally Awesome Husband take me home that night instead. I thought that staying at home would make me feel Safe and that being near him would remind me Why I Got Myself Into This Crazy Freaky Wedding Mess. And it did. Well, that is until He Began To Totally Freak Out. In the middle of the night, he woke up sweaty and shrieking and told me that he was Scared. I hugged him and kissed him and told him it would all be Okay. We both ended up Crying and falling asleep in each other’s arms. His and Her Freak Outs, it would seem.

At least We Freaks had found had Each Other and there is definitely Solace in that. Alas, it was still not enough to prevent me from consuming my weight in Pepto Bismol Max on Our Wedding Day.

Maybe we should have signed Our Ketubah with Pepto-Filled Pens.

Speed(ing) By(e).

I am Exhausted. Once again, This Medicine that The Doctor prescribed is Not Letting Me Sleep. I have never experienced anything like this. I have gotten maybe Three Hours of Sleep in the last Three Days. I would Call The Doctor and Complain, but I really do feel So Much Better than I did at the beginning of the week. However, last night, The Lack Of Sleep was So Bad, I got up and decided to Google This Sleep Depriving Shit’s Side Effects.

It turns out, it is Some Sort of Steroid. And it MAY cause…

Insomnia. (Check!)

Hyperactivity. (I got up at 3am, after I Couldn’t Sleep and Cleaned The Refrigerator Interior last night. Then, I went to USPS.com and place A Hold On All Of Our Mail While We Are On Our Honeymoon!!)

Restlessness. (See Above.)

Ringing, Buzzing or Bells in Ears. (I kept thinking I was hearing The Ice Cream Man!!)

Wow. I am Really Glad today is The Last Day I am on This Stuff. I need Some Sleep. I got Bags under my eyes. But, at least I got A Lot Of Stuff Done for The Wedding. Today, utilizing all of The Hyperacvity and Restlessness, I put all of The Favors together. And created A Guest Book. And Confirmed with The DJ. And organized Everything in A Big Box for The Wedding Coordinator!

But, That Ice Cream Man Side Effect is A Real Tease. I could have really gone for one of those Strawberry Shortcakes after all of that hard work.

Yes (Wo)Man

Yes, I am Feeling Much Better. The Doctor gave me Antibiotics and I swear, I Felt Better Overnight. I am not even Sneezing anymore!

Yes, I know: The Wedding is One Week from Today. Seven Days Left of Singlehood.

Yes, The Apartment Is A Mess and All Of Our Relatives will be here on Tuesday for A Barbeque.

Yes, I called A New, Highly Recommended By Totally Awesome Fiancé’s Sister, Cleaning Woman to take care of The Mess.

Yes, we did in fact just Furiously Clean for The Cleaning Woman. The Apartment is Spotless now!

Yes, of course, we hid The Scotch.

Yes, I think I have Lost Weight! My Diet Tip? Um, I call it The Bridal Flu. I had A Bri(de)rus.

Yes, those are Bags under my eyes. I am exhausted because besides An Antibiotic, The Doctor also prescribed an Anti-Inflammatory. He told me it might make me “Hyper.” What he really meant to say is, “This Drug might keep you Awake For Hours and You Will Never Sleep Again!” I haven’t Slept in Days. This would have been Awesome in College. All I can say is, “Thank God For MSNBC and Olympic Field Hockey!”

Yes, I know I still need to get My Nails done. I don’t want to Bite Them Off, so I am waiting for The Last Minute. Also, I don’t know Where To Go to Get This Done. I am Nail Naïve.

Yes, that is A Brand New Brazilian Bikini Wax! Thanks for Noticing!

I Shall Never Be Sicky Again!

Okay. So The Doctor declared me Sick. He thinks I have A Cold. And some sort of Infection. I left his office armed with prescriptions for Cough Syrup, Anti-Inflammatory Pills, An Antibiotic, and A Sample Of Heartburn Medication.

When I was called in from The Waiting Room, I was led to The Examination Room. A Nurse asked me, "Why are you here?" And I told her, "Listen, I am Getting Married in A Week. I am Sick. Give Me Meds! Arrrrggggh!!" Except, I said it a lot nicer than that. She asked me My Symptoms and before I told her what they were I said, "I know this is A Cold. But, I need to Be Better! I have Things To Do!"

"Hmm," she said. "When did you start feeling Sick?"

"Thursday. Well, Friday. It got Really Bad on Sunday," I replied.

And as she wrote down the notes, I could tell, She Didn't Think I Would Be Better.

The Doctor assured me I Would Feel Better, however. He told me if I Didn't Feel Better By Monday, I needed to Come In Again.

"Do you think I Won't Feel Better By Monday?" I asked, always seeing The Glass As Half Empty.

"No!" he told me. "I think you will Feel Better by Tomorrow!"

And so, let's hope he is right. After all, Tomorrow Is Another Day.

This Being Sick Stuff Is Also Not In The Timeline.

Listen. I'm Sick. Like Really Sick. I can't stop Sneezing. I Slept all day. I made an appointment with The Doctor for tomorrow. I am going to Demand Anti-Biotics just in case this Cold takes A Turn For The Worse, which I Think It Already Has. But, that's merely A Self Diagnosis, which is Why I Need To See A Doctor. I want him to Confirm This With A Prescription. I have Things To Do! Um...Like Get Married??!! Totally Awesome Fiancé came home from work today bearing Matzo Ball Soup and A Black And White Cookie. Which is Exactly Why I Am Marrying Him.

In the meantime, please enjoy These Wedding Bloopers I found on You Tube. Lots of Men falling down at the Altar! I have to think, "Maybe It Is Just Hot Where They Are?" I really hope that Totally Awesome Fiancé doesn't Fall Down during our ceremony. That would Really Suck. Actually, I harbor A Fear that I Will Pass Out during The Wedding, from sheer Anxiety. When I was A Kid, I used to Pass Out all the time when I was Anxious. But, I tell myself, "The Daily Randi,There is No Time For Fainting. The Wedding Coordinator told us we have A Very Strict Timeline!" Keep your fingers crossed that it Doesn't Happen. We want to be sure to get in The Bouquet Toss.

I Am Just Sick Enough To Check In To General Hospital.

I'm Sick. My throat Hurts. I seem to need to blow my nose A Lot. But, really my throat is Killing Me. I figure I got Sick because I have been running around like A Mad Woman, trying to get everything done for The Wedding. And if I am going to be Sick, now is The Time To Be Sick. Not Next Week when I am Getting Married. And Not The Week After, when I Am On My Honeymoon. Which reminds me, I have to call the doctor to ask How To Make Sure I Don't Have My Period On My Honeymoon because right now My Pill Says I Will. Having My Period on My Honeymoon would Really Suck.

In the meantime, I have dug up The Wedding of Laura and Scottie from General Hospital, circa 1979. Most people think of Luke when they think of Laura. But, I was always Team Scottie. This is back when Scottie Was A Good Guy. He only turned Bad later on. Laura and Scottie lived in A Really Cute Second Floor Apartment in Port Charles. She got him A Set Of Legal Books as a wedding gift because he was studying to be a lawyer. And they went to San Francisco on their honeymoon. They had A Great Time. I watched it Every Single Afternoon. They went on a trolley car! And Laughed a lot! Every day was A New Montage! I bet Laura didn't have Her Period. Later, Luke Raped Her and she Fell In Love. I, for one, Never Got It.

Anyway, I hope I start to Feel Better.

And I hope My Wedding is just like This One! Well, except I hope mine Lasts. Stay Away Bad Boy Rapists!

The Headache.

I have A Headache. I have had it since about 10am this morning and it has been driving me Mad. I worked today with it, determined that none of My Students would catch whiff of the fact that I wasn’t feeling well. But, the area over my left eye has been Pulsating and Throbbing all day. I got some aspirin from another teacher who could tell that something was Wrong. She probably noticed the subtle Rubbing-Of-The-Temple-Clutching-Of-The-Sides-Of-The-Head-
Laying-On-The-Floor-Before-Class Signs that A Head About To Explode In Pain.

I don’t know what caused this Horrible Headache but I suspect it could be something to do with My Delicate Lady Parts. Or, I have some sort of Sinus Infection. Maybe I am just getting Sick. It could just be Stress. But, Whatever It Is, it caused me to come directly home from work. That meant I didn’t get My Oil Changed, My Car Washed, My Escort Card Materials Purchased, nor My Pedicure like I was supposed to after I was done teaching. I just came home and crawled into bed.

But, don’t feel Too Bad for me. Feel Bad for This Woman instead:


Because when I decided to Write About Today’s Horrific Headache, I Googled images of “Headache” and This Poor Woman came up on like, Fifty Sights. And doesn’t Her Headache look Awful? I mean, look at that Grimace! She must be in lots of Pain. In fact, Her Headache is So Terrible, she has become The Virtual Poster Child For Headache Images. Ouch! Now, that is what I call A Headache!

Of course, I suspect she got it from Staring At The Computer Screen for too long, while Googling Herself. Heh. Serves her right.