What Would Oprah Do?

This week I Lost One Pound. While you may think this is Okay, I Do Not. Why? Because this was merely The Extra Pound I gained last week for Good Luck. Which brings My Total Weight Loss thus far to:

ZERO POUNDS.

Yes, in Four Weeks I have Lost Nothing! Nada! ZILCH! This despite going for An Hour Walk five times this week and Three Hours of a Cardio Dance Class. And writing down Everything I Eat, INCLUDING TONS OF VEGETABLES. And Not Drinking. Except for Ounces Upon Ounces Of Water.

To make matters Worse, everyone else at my meeting is Losing Weight! Celebrating! Getting Stars and Stickers and Stuff! And of course, this week I have to sit next to Nosy Nancy who wants to know, "How did you do this week!?" only because she wants to tell me She Lost Three Pounds.

"It's None of Your Fucking Business, Nosy Nancy. This is between Me and Oprah." I didn't say that. I just pretended I was Deaf and began Using Fake Sign Language with My Imaginary, Also Deaf Weight Loss Buddy across the room. I gave The Thumbs Up Sign. But I really wanted to give The Finger.

When I came home, Totally Awesome Husband announced he has lost Five Pounds just from Eating What I Have Been Eating. He was Very Excited.

And Somewhere Oprah is Having The Last (Evil) Laugh.

Freaking Oprah Update.

Gosh, I am So Angry.

This week when I went to Weigh In, The Scale said I Gained 1.4 Pounds. GAINED. I am So Mad I could Throw Up, except then I would be Bulimic and need yet another support group. In case you are keeping track: I gained back The Measly .4 Pounds I lost The Week Before that I was Every So Grateful For and put on One More Pound just for Good Luck.

Really, I should just write A Very Nasty Letter to Freaking Oprah because I Blame Her. That's because I have decided to Project all of My Anger At The Scale And The Twenty-Six (Now Twenty Seven) Pounds I Have Gained Back at Freaking Oprah instead. Or maybe I should examine What I Did Differently This Week. That is What They Always Tell Us To Do Anyhow. So, without further adieu, here is A Brief List Of Things I Did Differently This Week In My Effort To Lose Weight (And Not Gain More):

1. Instead of Never Exercising, I Exercised Seven Freaking Days.

2. Instead of Accidentally Forgetting To Write Down Everything I Ate And Drank, I actually Remembered To Do It Seven Freaking Days.

3. Instead of Drinking A Glass Of Wine every night, I Drank None and Drank Tons Of Water in its place for Seven Freaking Days.

4. Instead of Guessing How Big My Meal Portions Were, I Measured And Weighed everything for Seven Freaking Days.

All I can hope is that Next Week, I Lose 15 Pounds to make up for My Freaking Anger At Freaking Oprah. Or, just Lose. Losing Anything would be Nice. I am even up for Losing My Car Keys. I am not worried! I have Triple A.

But, I would particularly like to Lose Oprah. This week, That Bitch turned into A Freaking Frenemy.

Oh-O(h)prah.

I am Super Pissed Off at Oprah.

Freaking OPRAH! I can’t stop thinking about Oprah and How She Is Mad At Herself For Gaining Some Weight Back. You want to know Why?

Because I am Mad At Myself for doing The Exact Same Stupid Thing! In the past year, I have gained Twenty-Six Pounds. Twenty-Six!! Two. Six. Twenty -- and then Six More. You may recall that Six Years Ago, I lost Fifty-One Pounds and maintained it for years, so this Twenty-Six Pound Weight Gain is a pretty big deal to me. And I don’t know How It Happened. Well, that is not exactly True. It happened because I let all my Old, Nasty Eating Habits sneak back in and I stopped going to Weight Watcher Meetings on a regular basis which meant I stopped Weighing Myself and I hardly ever Exercise any more when I used to Work Out Regularly, Three Times A Week. Also, I Really Like Potato Chips. And Fries. French Fries. Oh! And Cold Stone Creamery! As Dinner.

But, Oprah really has No Excuse. NONE. That’s because Oprah has All The Money In The World! She can hire A Personal Cook! Someone can go Grocery Shopping for her and make sure there is No Junk Food in her pantry! If Oprah goes to A Restaurant and asks The Chef to Concoct Some Sort Of Special, Delicious, Healthy, Sauce-On-The-Side Dish for her, The Chef is Thrilled because he is Cooking For Oprah! Freaking Oprah! She can have A Personal Trainer train her Twelve Hours A Day. Oprah doesn’t even have to go to work! She can just Lose Weight All Day! She’s OPRAH!!

This entire week, all Oprah has been doing is Bitching About Her Weight Gain and it has gotten her Five Million Magazine Covers. I have been doing that for the past two months and it has gotten me Shit. I think I may have even gained Three More Pounds in the process. And I blame Oprah. Bad Oprah!

Anyhow, you should know that I am Back In The Swing Of Things and I even Lost Weight this week. Okay. It was Half A Pound, but I will Take It, if only to Spite The Evil One Who Is Oprah. I intend to Lose These Stupid Twenty-Six Pounds by June because I am determined to Wear My Bikinis again. I want to go on A Cruise. Right now if I wore one, I would probably frighten the whales.

Hmm. Maybe I should be cursing Orca, and Not Oprah.

Ah, Sundays.

Friday, I had The Day Off again. Technically, I should be Working From Home On Fridays. But, right now, there is little to do Work-Wise and I find myself Stumped with What To Do With Myself. This Friday, I went Food Shopping. I Read part of a book. And then I Took A Nap. Later, after Totally Awesome Husband came home from work, we went out for Dinner at That Tapas Place Down The Block That We Recently Tried. Once again, it was Delicious. In a few months, this Friday To Myself With No Work To Do all goes to Pot, so I better Enjoy It. Ah, Time Off…For Now.

Friday Night, I broke down and joined Facebook. My 20 Year High School Reunion is in Two Weeks and I am not going. Because I just took Time Off for My Honeymoon, I can’t ask for More Time Off From Work. And it just doesn’t seem worth it to Fly Back East In A Span Of Two Days just to See People I Haven’t Spoken To In Twenty Years. Plus, I would have to Rent A Car, Find A Hotel, etc. So, I Nixed It. I am kind of Sad that I won't Be There. Thus, I decided to have My Own Reunion on Facebook! I can’t get over How Many Old Friends have reconnected with me over the past 48 Hours. I am talking Pre-school Pals! If you are reading this and want to be My Facebook Friend, go ahead and Ask Me. If you Know How To Do BeFacebookFriend Me, I will BeFacebookFriend you. I just can’t promise I will be Hanging Out there too much. Ah, Face(booking) The Music.

Saturday, Totally Awesome Husband and I went to The Bank and opened A Joint Checking Account! I will admit, this was kind of Scary. I mean, we still Pay Our Rent With Separate Checks. But, we had gotten so many Wedding Presents that were Checks Made Out To Mr. And Mrs. Totally Awesome Husband and we had No Where To Deposit Them. This Check-Making Out Thing was particulary annoying because I Did Not Change My Last Name. So, these Checks were only made out to Totally Awesome Husband and were for Him Alone, unless we Opened Up An Account. The Bank was Busy, but we managed to Open An Account and now The Daily Randi and Totally Awesome Husband are Officially In Business together! After that, I Worked. Based on My Drama Workshops, I get booked to do Children’s Parties quite often, and this weekend, I had just such An Occasion. The Party was Really Fun. But, I forgot to Take Pictures for my business website and now I am Kicking Myself. When I came home, Totally Awesome Husband was Starving, as was I. So, we went to One Of Our Favorite Italian Restaurants In Santa Monica, No Not That One. This Italian Place is a bit pricier than The One we usually Dine At. But, we had Stayed In All Week, so we figured we could Splurge. It was D for Delicious. And then later, we joined The Slackmistress and Be The Boy for their Post-Vlog Gathering at A Trendy Hollywood Burger Joint for Cocktails. There was A Lot Of Dining Out on Saturday. I swear, I am Counting Weight Watcher Points! Ah, Other People Cooking For You and Drinking All Your Points.

Today, Totally Awesome Husband and I slept Late. We need Our Beauty Sleep. I read The Paper. Totally Awesome Husband ran Eleven Miles. And then we went for A Walk and Window Shopped and enjoyed A Glass Of Wine at A Trendy Santa Monica Restaurant. I just realized This Weekend was kind of Boring. But, come on – cut us some Slack here. We just had A Month full of Marital Mayhem and Victorious Vacation. Low Key seems just about right these days. Ah, Sundays.

Thinner

The other night, as we were watching TMZ as we were falling asleep. A Story About Britney Spears came on.

“You look Thinner than Britney Spears,” Totally Awesome Fiancé said to me after a few moments.

“I do??!!!” I sat up in bed. “Oh, Totally Awesome Fiancé, that is The Nicest Thing you have ever said to me!” I kissed him, thinking about how only a few years ago, My Goal Was To Have A Body Like Britney Spears. “Do you think I AM thinner than Britney Spears? Or is it just that she has on A Hideously Frumpy Outfit?” And to think, I barely did any work to achieve The Goal! Well, minus Laying Around And Eating Lots Of Potato Chips.

He squinted at the television screen as he considered my query. Then he announced, “No. You are Thinner than her. Although That Dress is doing her no favors.”

Of course, I immediately demanded A Long List Of Other Celebrities I Look Thinner Than but he couldn’t think of any right then and there. Although, he promised he would keep a lookout for me.

And then we fell asleep.

All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go (But Down.)

I need A Vacation. Seriously. I have worked So Hard over the past few months and I really need some time alone with My Man. Sure, in a few months we get to take Some Sort Of Honeymoon. But, we haven’t booked that yet and may never get to it. Oh, and there is less than Three Months until The Wedding. I have Knot Exclamation Points coming out of my eye sockets.

For example, I have yet to go Try On My Dress. The bridal store called me last week: “I have exciting news!” the Bridal Store Lady cried over the phone. “Your dress has finally come in! So come on down and Try It On!”

Ugh. Exciting News My Big Fat Ass. The last thing this bride wants to do is Try On Her Wedding Dress. And, why, do you ask? Because I fear The Dress WILL NOT FIT.

See, when I tried the sample on in January, I was Ten Pounds over My Goal Weight and I was Convinced I Would Lose It. “I am about Ten Pounds over what I Usually Weigh!” I told Bridal Store Lady. “I am going to Lose Those Ten Pounds!”

Bridal Store Lady took this into consideration when she determined which size to order my dress. And on The Receipt she wrote: “Customer Says She Will Lose Weight.”

But I haven’t Lost Any Weight!!! In fact, it appears I have gained Five More Pounds. So, now I am 15 Pounds over My Goal Weight. 15 POUNDS!!

I freaked out over this for a few days after I got The Dress Has Come In call. And then I decided to Call The Store and explain My Dilemma. So, I took out The Dreaded Customer Says She Will Lose Weight Receipt to get their phone number. And then I realized The Dreaded Customer Says She Will Lose Weight Receipt actually reads, “Dress is a little snug in the hips. If Customer loses weight, we will take the dress in.”

Aha! I made up The Customer Will Lose Weight thing with My Crazy I Am So Fat I Can’t Believe I Haven’t Lost These Ten To Fifteen Pounds Thinking! This Customer doesn’t need to Lose Weight at all!

Well, Okay. I would still like to Lose Ten Of These Pounds.

But, in the meantime, Totally Awesome Fiancé are off on a Mini-Vaycay to Cambria and Pasos Robles. We plan on Touring Hearst Castle and Drinking A Lot Of Wine.

And Watching Our Weight Watcher Points, natch. After all, I still have to go Try On My Dress.

Weighty Issues

I think Most Of You know that I am A Lifetime Member of Weight Watchers. No, that does Not Mean I have been Joining and Rejoining Most Of My Life. Although, of course, I Have. Instead, Lifetime Membership is The Status you receive when you reach your Goal Weight and Maintain it for at least six weeks. In 2003, I attained Lifetime Membership when I successfully Lost 51 Pounds. I don’t often Talk or Write About It. But, Losing All That Weight was A Huge Accomplishment. I had struggled with My Weight since I was A Kid! Besides feeling more Fit and Healthy, I suddenly had Lots Of Attention From Boys! Yes, I had Attention From Boys before I Lost Weight, but These Boys Liked Girls, which was a huge hurdle for me. Most Women were supportive, but Many Were Not. When Some Girlfriends realized that I was no longer going to stand for Sidekick Status and became Catty And Competitive, I kicked them to the curb. Now, I was officially A Player. Bring It On? Oh, It’s Already Been Brought-En!

As A Lifetime Weight Watcher Member, you no longer have to Pay For Membership. The Catch is you must Weigh In Once A Month and be No More Than Two Pounds Over Your Goal Weight. Maintenance is Hard Work, though. Most months, I was Okay and Exactly At My Goal Weight. But, some months I was Three Pounds Over and I would have to Pay Weight Watchers Ten Stinky Dollars as Punishment. “What is the difference between Three Pounds and Two Pounds?!” I would whine to them. Nothing! It got me So Angry. But, it Made Me Stay At Goal.

Naturally, the next month I would be Right Where I Needed To Be and didn’t have to Pay. And then, well, there were those months where I was maybe Five Pounds over My Goal Weight. Then, um, Eight. Eight Pounds Over. My Leader suggested I Adjust My Goal Weight so that I could Better Maintain It. That worked for about Two Months and then I was Three Pounds over The New Goal Weight and having to Pay Ten Stinky Dollars again. “I am only A Few Pounds over My Goal Weight!” I would convince myself. “No Worries!” And then I decided Not Go To Meetings For Weeks and Weeks and Weeks.

How do you know when it is Time To Go Back To A Meeting? When YOUR WORKOUT CLOTHES NO LONGER FIT. My Cute Roll Down Yoga Pants had suddenly become Hideous Roll Up In The Middle Of Class Is That A Muffin Top Yoga Pants! In the midst of Downward Facing Dog, I looked down at my feet and realized my body looked more like Downward Facing Having A Huge Litter Of Puppies Dog. Time to Take Action.

And so, I went back to A Weight Watcher Meeting two weeks ago.

15.2 Freaking Pounds Over My Goal Weight.

Talk about Embarrassing! I am supposed to be Some Sort Of Weight Watchers Expert! How The Freak Could This Happen?

Well, My Lifestyle changed when I Met Totally Awesome Boyfriend. Not Weighing In once a month, didn’t help either. And I Stopped Writing Down What I Ate Every Day, and Forgot To Count My Weight Watcher Points, and That Time I Ate Five Yummy Cupcakes Because The Box Fell When I Was Getting Out Of My Car And I Didn’t Want To Throw Them Away But Now I Couldn’t Bring Them To The Party I Bought Them For In The First Place Since They Were All Mushed Up So I Had To Eat Them and That Entire Bag Of Ruffles Potato Chips I Devoured That One Time, Okay It Was Two Times, Two Bags, Two Times. Maybe Three Times. Oh, and, um, Pinkberry? Please God, not Pinkberry! Say It Isn’t So! I would put Full Blame on Coldstone Creamery, though. Boo, Delicious, Evil Chocolaty Mix-Ins!

Anyhow, I am Back On Track now. I lost 2.2 Pounds last week and now just have 13 Pounds to Lose to get back to My Goal Weight where I am determined to Live Forever and Never Ever Go Through This Again And Have To Pay Weight Watchers Ten Stinky Dollars Each Week. Totally Awesome Boyfriend is being Really Supportive. He tells me I Look Great and Lies and says He Doesn’t Notice That I Gained Any Weight and tells me He Can Tell that I Lost Two Pounds. And he has even been Counting Weight Watcher Points, too! In fact, he lost Three Pounds this week himself! And, no, Three Pounds does not grant him The Bragging Rights.

But, being Totally Awesome To Me About This Stuff kind of Does.