Friday, January 09, 2009


I am Super Pissed Off at Oprah.

Freaking OPRAH! I can’t stop thinking about Oprah and How She Is Mad At Herself For Gaining Some Weight Back. You want to know Why?

Because I am Mad At Myself for doing The Exact Same Stupid Thing! In the past year, I have gained Twenty-Six Pounds. Twenty-Six!! Two. Six. Twenty -- and then Six More. You may recall that Six Years Ago, I lost Fifty-One Pounds and maintained it for years, so this Twenty-Six Pound Weight Gain is a pretty big deal to me. And I don’t know How It Happened. Well, that is not exactly True. It happened because I let all my Old, Nasty Eating Habits sneak back in and I stopped going to Weight Watcher Meetings on a regular basis which meant I stopped Weighing Myself and I hardly ever Exercise any more when I used to Work Out Regularly, Three Times A Week. Also, I Really Like Potato Chips. And Fries. French Fries. Oh! And Cold Stone Creamery! As Dinner.

But, Oprah really has No Excuse. NONE. That’s because Oprah has All The Money In The World! She can hire A Personal Cook! Someone can go Grocery Shopping for her and make sure there is No Junk Food in her pantry! If Oprah goes to A Restaurant and asks The Chef to Concoct Some Sort Of Special, Delicious, Healthy, Sauce-On-The-Side Dish for her, The Chef is Thrilled because he is Cooking For Oprah! Freaking Oprah! She can have A Personal Trainer train her Twelve Hours A Day. Oprah doesn’t even have to go to work! She can just Lose Weight All Day! She’s OPRAH!!

This entire week, all Oprah has been doing is Bitching About Her Weight Gain and it has gotten her Five Million Magazine Covers. I have been doing that for the past two months and it has gotten me Shit. I think I may have even gained Three More Pounds in the process. And I blame Oprah. Bad Oprah!

Anyhow, you should know that I am Back In The Swing Of Things and I even Lost Weight this week. Okay. It was Half A Pound, but I will Take It, if only to Spite The Evil One Who Is Oprah. I intend to Lose These Stupid Twenty-Six Pounds by June because I am determined to Wear My Bikinis again. I want to go on A Cruise. Right now if I wore one, I would probably frighten the whales.

Hmm. Maybe I should be cursing Orca, and Not Oprah.


Michael said...

Yer still totally hot.
Oprah never was or will be.

Annika said...

I really must agree with Michael. But I am glad I do not pay any attention to Oprah, because I have also gained back some weight lately and I really do not need to hear her complain about it when she is practically famous for her fluctuating weight.

Green said...

Word to the Oprah. I too, had lost some weight last year. Nothing as impressive as fifty pounds, but still, my jeans were sliding down my hips and I had cheekbones. Time to get that back.

Chelle said...

I think Oprah's weight gain goes to show that weight issues are issues with what's going on inside of us.

But we know that. :-)

You brought up some good points. If I had Ophrey's money, I would hire the personal chef, the personal trainer, etc. But I know that I need someone to be more disciplined than I am to make healthy meals.

Eventually, I might get a bit resentful/angry if someone else was controlling part of my life, and I might end up eating a bag of blue corn tortilla chips in one sitting to show who's in charge. (That would be my low self-esteem making those decisions.)

Oh, wait. I already do that, but I put beans and cheese on them and call it "nachos" (or dinner).

Jenifer said...

I'm there with you Randi hOlding your hand and taking my 22 lb WEIGHT gain with us as we walk past Cold Stone with our noSes in the air.

GAH, I hate weight gain so much. I hate the fact that I'm in my fat pants.

I lost three pounds this week when I walked back into food sanity. I love you Weight Watchers, I promise to not leave you again.

Jenifer said...

btw that last post nifle, was from me Jen at I was logged into an old account.