Right In Vote.

I don’t normally Get All Political up in here. But, tomorrow is Election Day. And I am Very Passionate about Some Election Dayish Things.

First of all, if you live in California, be sure to Vote No on Proposition Four. Proposition Four is an initiative that would Prohibit Abortions for unemancipated minors until 48 hours after physician notifies minor’s parent, legal guardian or, if parental abuse has been reported, an alternative adult family member. I am against this Proposition because I know that not all Teenage Girls have Supportive Parents or Legal Guardians and making them get Permission from their parents is Unfair. This law really will just encourage Girls Who Cannot Talk To Their Parents to have An Illegal Abortion to avoid The Whole I-Need-To-Get-Permission Thing. Teenage Pregnancies are usually the result of Parents not being able to talk openly to their children about Sex and Protection. What makes you think all of a sudden they will be able to talk to their Parents about What To Do Because They Just Found Out They Are Pregnant? If I got Pregnant when I was A Teenager, my MOM would have Gone Crazy on me. We would have had A Big Fight and I would have had to Run Away, Join A Circus/Gang, and Live/Work In A Medical Marijuana/Crack Den. So, Vote No on Prop 4 and save a lot of Pregnant Teenagers From Running Away And Joining The Circus. Our Bodies, Our Lives. Woman’s Right To Choose! Seriously, Don’t Get Me Started.

Also, California Readers, please Vote No On Proposition 8. This is The Proposition that would change the California Constitution to eliminate the right of Same-Sex couples to Marry in California by adding A New Section stating, "Only marriage between A Man and A Woman is Valid or Recognized in California.” And quite frankly, this is Bullshit.

Look, Gay Men and Women are People, too. If they want to be Married, who gives a Crap? Let them plan A Big Fancy Dinner Type Thing, Contemplate Band Vs. Deejay, and Spend Hours On The Knot. Their Marriage will have No Effect on Straight People whatsoever. I keep hearing the Argument, “Well, it says in The Bible…” Guess what? Not everyone reads Your Bible. Plus, there is A Separation of Church And State, so it is really not A Valid Argument.

I just Got Married. Do you want to know What Marriage Really Is? It is paying $85 at the Beverly Hills Courthouse and filling out A Government Form. The Person Who Performs Your Wedding Ceremony Signs The Form and then You Send It In. After that, there is A Certificate Of Marriage on file at The Beverly Hills Courthouse. If you want A Copy of The Certificate, you need to send in Another Form and pay $13 Per Copy. So, basically, Marriage is A Government Form, A Signature, and A Check For 98 Bucks. When the Law Changed back in July allowing Same Sex Couples To Marry, it Gave Same-Sex Couples The Right To Fill Out A Form, Pay 98 Dollars and Get A Signature so that there could be A Certificate On File In A Courthouse Saying They Were Married, too. That Certificate of Marriage can mean a lot to Some People – Rights to Medical Care Information, Health Insurance, Hospital Visitation Rights, Tax Breaks, Etc.. Things Straight Married People take For Granted. Prop 8 would seek to Take Away This Right To File A Marriage Certificate and All Of The Privileges This Certificate Grants from Same Sex Couples. That is What We Are Voting On Tomorrow – The Legal Definition Of Marriage. It has nothing to do with Religion or Personal Beliefs or even Love.

And Guess What?! Even if it Passes, and The Right To A Marriage Certificate is Taken Away, Gay People Are Still Going To Exist! That’s right – they still will form Couples! This Whole Prop 8 Thing is not going to Dissuade Them. They may still even have Weddings! They just won’t be able to Get A Certificate Filed In The Courthouse that grants them The Human Rights They Deserve.

So, Vote No On Eight Tomorrow. If you are Straight, Nothing Changes. But, if you are Gay, Everything Does.

One Final Note: No matter What The Outcome Of The Election, I am Amazed that in My Lifetime, I am going to see The First African American President or The First Woman In Higher Office be Elected. Okay, I would rather The Woman not be Sarah Palin, whom I like to think of as The Paris Hilton Of Politics. But, I am Happy to see that there is Progress being made and The Day is sure to be Exciting and Historical, regardless, because it means that Future Generations Won’t Bat An Eyelash At The Thought of A Black Man or A Woman in The Oval Office. So, no matter Who You Vote For, be sure to get out and Vote and be Part Of History.

My name is The Daily Randi and I Endorse This Blog Post.

I’m Excited, Relatively Speaking.

Five Days and Counting until The Wedding!

Today was the first day The Relatives From Back East started pouring in. While My MOM and Easily Annoyed Sister don’t arrive until Tuesday, some other Relatives came in today. So, I guess this is All Happening! To be honest, I am kind of Excited for My MOM to come for A Visit. She hasn’t been to Los Angeles in over Two Years, mostly because I beg her Not To Come. This time, I figure she will be Distracted by Other Family Members and won’t have time to Complain To Me about How There Are No Old People Around. (I tell her, “There’re ALL Old People, MOM! They just all have Botox!”) Plus, The Whole Wedding Thing. So, This Visit all should be Okay.

After getting some Much Needed Sleep this morning in celebration of Being Off The Crazy Medicine I Was On, Totally Awesome Fiancé and I put together A Piece Of Furniture we have received for Our Wedding. It is A Buffet that I found one late night, surfing The Internet and registered for at Target. The reviews said it would be Sturdy and Hold A Lot. And that is Exactly what we needed for the space. Before we received The Buffet Gift, we had My Old Ikea Bookcase serving as Shelving for Our Dining Room Stuff. The Ikea Thing really didn’t work. The Shelves were not deep enough and you could See everything, so it never looked Tidy. It took us about Three Hours to assemble The Buffet. And it Works Perfectly! It holds everything that we had in The Stupid Ikea Bookcase, plus More! And it has Doors! And it is A Much Lower Height, so you can keep things on Top Of The Buffet! It is Amazing how much Less Cluttered our apartment looks now, with just the addition of A Stupid Piece Of Furniture From Target. Best. Wedding. Present. Ever.

On Tuesday, we are having A Barbeque for All The Out Of Towners who are mostly Relatives. So, having Less Clutter is A Good Thing. Also, yesterday, we had A New Cleaning Woman come in and Clean and The Place has never been More Spotless. And, she didn’t Steal The Scotch, which is A Plus.

Hopefully, this means when My MOM arrives in California on Tuesday and sees Our Apartment for The First Time, she doesn’t utter, THIS PLACE IS A PIGSTYE!!” like she usually does when she comes to A Place I Reside. She will say, “WOW!! THIS PLACE IS SO CLEAN AND CLUTTER FREE!!” And then, probably, “I AM DIABETIC AND HAVE TO EAT!!! WHERE ARE WE GOING FOR DINNER???!!!!”

So, yeah. I am looking forward to Seeing Her. It’s all Relative, I know.

Broken Dreams.

I think I Broke My Pinky Toe.

Okay, I am Pretty Sure I did. It is not like I Went To A Doctor or anything. This is purely A Self Diagnosis. The First Symptom is that It Really Really Hurts. It happened on Tuesday. I was drying off in the bathroom, after taking a shower and I banged my toe against the sink cabinet. I Winced In Pain.

And then I went about My Life. I figured I just Bruised It and All Would Be Okay. But, then on Wednesday, I noticed it was Throbbing. Throbbing! Throbbing while all I was doing was just sitting in my car at a light. And then, yesterday, I noticed I Couldn’t Really Put Any Weight On It when I was walking. So, I started to Examine It.

Swollen?

Check.

Hurts When I Move It?

Check.

I Googled, “I Tbink I Broke My Pinky Toe Now What Do I Do” and discovered I could do Very Little. Apparently, they can’t set A Pinky Toe. It said to Ice It. And Make A Homemade Sling. And Stay Off It. And it will Heal On Its Own.

I did None Of Those Things.

And then, today, it started Hurting Again. This time, I tried to Curl My Toes. Guess What? The Pinky Toe didn’t Curl! It just Stayed There! Aha! Broken!

Immediately, I became Frantic. I can’t have A Freaking Broken Pinky Toe! I am GETTING MARRIED IN FOUR WEEKS!!! How am I going to Work Out??!! How am I going to Walk Down The Aisle??!! How am I going to Dance At My Wedding??!! I need My Toes Intact!!

And so I finally Iced It. And Made A Homemade Sling. And Stayed Off It. I don’t think it is Doing Any Good.

Maybe this is Why My MOM always was telling me I Should Marry A Doctor.

Meet The PARENT!!!!!

Well, The Daily Randi made it Home from Sunny Florida. Yes, Totally Awesome Fiancé met My MOM. She liked him. And then, we probably could have Gone Home. Except we were Staying The Weekend, which kind of Sucked for Totally Awesome Fiancé. Luckily, we went off and Did Things. Like, we went to The Local Outlet Mall and got A Brand New Duvet Cover from The Crate and Barrel Outlet Store! And we Went Out To Dinner! And we went to An Indian Casino! Saturday Afternoon, Totally Awesome Fiancé and I went off to South Beach in Miami. I have been going down to Fort Lauderdale for the past 30 Years, and this was The First Time I had ever been to Miami. I was always told, “IT IS TOO FAR TO DRIVE!!!!!” Or, “THE HIGHWAY IS SO DANGEROUS!!!!” Took us Twenty Minutes. No Danger. Not A Single Car Tried To Attack Us. Amazing. The South Beach Scene was just like Santa Monica meets The Sunset Strip. In other words, I felt Old and Fat. Still, we were Amused.

Here is A Sample Conversation between Totally Awesome Fiancé and My MOM:

MY MOM: TOTALLY AWESOME FIANCÉ, I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU WERE PRE-MED IN COLLEGE!!!!! YOU SHOULD GO TO MEDICAL SCHOOL AND BE A DOCTOR!!!!!! THERE IS A STRIKE!!! PEOPLE MAGAZINE SAYS IT IS HORRIBLE!!!!!! WHAT KIND OF MEDICINE WOULD YOU PRACTICE??? YOU SHOULD BE A LAWYER LIKE YOUR SISTER!!!!! WHEN DOES THE NEW INDIANA JONES MOVIE COME OUT??? I HAVE BEEN READING ABOUT IT FOREVER!!! I LOVE DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES! I NEED TO TAKE MY INSULIN SHOT!!!!!!! I NEED BUTTER!! YOU ARE SO SMART!! ARE YOU SURE YOU GET MY DAUGHTER??? SHE THINKS SHE IS FUNNY BUT SHE CAN BE SO STUPID!!!! I DON’T GET HER, I AM GLAD SOMEONE DOES!!!!!! UGH!!! I WISH I COULD SEE WHERE YOU LIVE IN LOS ANGELES!!!!!!!! YOU ARE ORDERING DRINKS???!!! YOU ARE BOTH ALCOHOLICS!!!!! I COLLECT GIRAFFES!!!!!!!!!

TOTALLY AWESOME FIANCÉ: Um…

MY MOM: HAVE YOU SEEN THE WAITRESS???!!! WE NEED MORE BREAD!!!!!!!

So, yeah. The Trip was Fun.

Now, I thought I would leave you with Some Pictures of The Daily Randi's Meet The PARENT Floridian Adventure. Please Enjoy.


My MOM and I Pose for Pictures outside The Outback.


My MOM doesn't like what I am Wearing.


Totally Awesome Fiancé and I go to Miami to Get Away From My MOM.


I stand on The Beach. I am Wearing Whatever I Want.


Thank God for Giant Glasses Of Booze.


My MOM who???

And Now He Sees Where I Get It From.

Tomorrow, Totally Awesome Fiancé and I embark on A Weekend Trip to Florida to visit My MOM.

Totally Awesome Fiancé has Never Met her. I have kept them Far Apart. But, now that I secured A Ring, I figure, "What The Heck?"

So, if you hear of A Sudden, Surprise, Tropical Storm happening in South Florida this weekend, Now You Know Why.

Crazy Women And The Casinos That Love Them

On Sunday, MY MOM called. She calls nearly Every Sunday and Her Conversation always begins, “DID I WAKE YOU?!!!!!!” When I inform her, “No” she then asks, “WHAT TIME IS IT THERE???????!!!!!” I tell her The Time and then she relays to me What Time It Is In Florida. “WHAT IS ON YOUR TV RIGHT NOW??????!!!!!” We play This Game every week. My MOM, apparently needs to know The Time Zone System is Functioning Correctly. Then, inevitably, The Conversation turns to “WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO MEET THIS TOTALLY AWESOME BOYFRIEND OF YOURS, IF HE ACTUALLY EXISTS GOD OH GOD PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN BEFORE I DIE I HAVE TO GO I AM DIABETIC YOU ARE TOO THIN DON’T EAT SO MUCH GOODBYE!!!!!!”

And then I don’t usually Hear From Her again for An Entire Week. So, you can imagine My Alarm when she called back only A Few Hours Later.

“THE DAILY RANDI, I JUST CALLED TO TELL YOU I AM SENDING YOU A CHECK FOR $2000!!!!!”

“I told you, MOM. Our Trip to Florida is Confirmed. You will Finally Get To Meet Totally Awesome Boyfriend in November and see for yourself that He Actually Exists. You don’t need to Guilt Me into it. Save your Money.” I said, sighing. “And it is 5:30 here.”

“NO. I AM NOT SENDING YOU MONEY TO BOOK A TRIP TO FORT LAUDERDALE TO SEE ME YOUR ONLY MOTHER WHO YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN OVER A YEAR!!!!!!! I AM SENDING YOU MONEY BECAUSE I WAS AT THE CASINO HERE IN FLORIDA BECAUSE I WAS BORED AND IT IS RAINING AND IT IS BRAND NEW AND VERY NICE AND I JUST GOT THERE AND I SAT DOWN TO PLAY THE 2 CENT MACHINE AND I PULLED THE LEVER AND I PLAYED ALL FIVE ROWS BECAUSE I ALWAYS PLAY ALL THE ROWS THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT AND I WON $10,000.62!!!!!! SO I AM SENDING YOU AND YOUR EASILY ANNOYED SISTER EACH A CHECK FOR $2000. YOU ARE WELCOME!!!!!!”

“Wow,” I replied, taking it all in. “Thanks!”

‘YOU KNOW I DON’T HAVE TO SEND YOU OR YOUR SISTER ANYTHING. YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!”

“I said, ‘Thank you!’ Mom.”

“I HAD A CROWD OF PEOPLE AROUND ME WHEN I WON!!!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SELFISH CHILD WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR THE NICE CASINO PEOPLE TO BRING ME THE IRS PAPERWORK I WON $1200.87 MORE DOLLARS ON ANOTHER MACHINE I DON’T HAVE TO GIVE YOU ANYTHING IT IS MY PLEASURE TO SEND YOU SOMETHING YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE A RATS NEST WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU WEARING FEH I LOVE YOU WHERE DID I GO WRONG I WANT GRANDCHILDREN I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM IT IS 8:30 HERE GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And then she Hung Up.

The preceding Guilt Trip was brought to you in part by The Seminole Indian Tribe of South Florida. "Working Together with Jewish Mothers to Drive Their Children CRAZY."

Date? My MOM.

Despite us Dating nearly A Full Year and The Big We Are Moving In Together Thing around the corner, My MOM has not yet met Totally Awesome Boyfriend. And it is Driving Her Batty. Or, rather BATTY!!!! My MOM lives in Florida, so there is really No Reason for her to have Met Him yet. Except that she Constantly Asks, “WHEN DO I GET TO MEET THIS TOTALLY AWESOME BOYFRIEND OF YOURS????!!!!” Or, rather, “WHEN DO I GET TO MEET THIS TOTALLY AWESOME ‘BOYFRIEND’ OF YOURS.” The BOYFREIND Quotes are necessary because I am pretty sure She Doesn’t Believe He Exists.

To be sure, I have Purposely Kept Them Apart. Since I was A Teenager, My Complete Inability To Get A Boy To Commit More Than One Night/A Few Hours To Me And/Or Not Like Boys Themselves resulted in Sentences Spoken By My MOM that began, “WELL IF YOU EEEEEEVER HAVE A BOYFRIEND…” Questions like, “ARE YOU SURE HE LIKES YOU?????” And General Blanket Statements like, “YOU ARE TOO SMART!!!!! BOYS DON’T LIKE SMART GIRLS!!!!” So, you can see, introducing MY MOM to Totally Awesome Boyfriend seems slightly Unwise to me.

But, for The Past Couple Of Months now, My MOM has been Scheming to Meet Him. Easily Annoyed Sister had given me The Heads Up about MY MOM’s Plans. “She won’t stop asking me about Your Stupid Totally Awesome Boyfriend!! It is Super Annoying,” Easily Annoyed Sister lamented to me one day. And then, The Shenanigans began. First, My MOM called me up and Announced She Was Coming To Los Angeles for A Visit. But, with Easily Annoyed Sister now 3000 Miles Away, this would mean I would be The Sole Host For My MOM. As a result, I told My MOM. “NO Freaking Way!!” She got Angry, but just went Back To The Drawing Board. ‘WHY DON’T YOU COME TO FLORIDA!!!! I WILL PAY FOR 'HIM' TO FLY OUT!!! FLY 'HIM' OUT!!!” While this might be A Bit More Appealing, it would also mean we would be Held Captive By My MOM. My MOM collects Giraffes. And The Giraffes are Everywhere. Or, rather, EVERYWHERE!!!!! Stuck inside her Giraffe Infested Condo, Totally Awesome Boyfriend would have No Escape. And that is something I wouldn’t even Wish on The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever. I mean, The Giraffe Collection is Torturous Enough. But, The Giraffe Collection and My MOM? Totally Terrifying. Totally Awesome Boyfriend would Run Away In Horror. Or else, be Trampled by A Herd Of Hungry Giraffes. Whichever Came First.

Now, My MOM’s Latest Plot To Meet Totally Awesome Boyfriend/Destroy My Love Life is to have us all Meet In Vegas. Last Week, I got A Message From Her: “THE DAILY RANDI, I AM BOOKING A TRIP TO VEGAS IN MAY. WHY DON’T YOU AND YOUR TOTALLY AWESOME ‘BOYFRIEND’ JOIN US????!!!!” I was supposed to believe that This Vegas Trip was A Coincidence. I called her back immediately and told her, “ MOM, I can’t Meet You in May. I am Too Busy with Work and we are Moving June 1st.” And then She went Crazy. Or, rather, CRAZY!!! “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T JOIN US???!!! WELL, INSTEAD I WILL DRIVE FROM LAS VEGAS TO LOS ANGELES. I WANT TO MEET THIS ‘BOYFRIEND’ OF YOURS!!!! WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED???? I WANT GRANDKIDS!!! ALL THE REST OF MY FRIENDS HAVE GRANDKIDS!!! DON’T SCARE HIM AWAY!!! YOU WILL PROBABLY SCARE HIM AWAY!!! I LOVE YOU!! DON’T BE TOO FUNNY!! YOU CAN GET MARRIED IN VEGAS!!! DON’T ELOPE!!!! ”

Thus, her Latest Plot To Meet Totally Awesome Boyfriend was A Totally Awesome Flop. Unfortunately, I know MY MOM won’t be Going Down that Easily. I half expect A Call from her Next Week informing me, “I HAVE RENTED A HOT AIR BALLOON THAT WILL BE FLYING OVER SANTA MONICA!!! I AM PROBALBY GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. WHERE DOES TOTALLY AWESOME 'BOYFRIEND' LIVE????? I CAN USE HIS!!!!”

And, I know What You Are All Thinking. But, I Swear – I am Not trying to Be TOO FUNNY about Any Of This.