Friday, March 02, 2007

Date? My MOM.

Despite us Dating nearly A Full Year and The Big We Are Moving In Together Thing around the corner, My MOM has not yet met Totally Awesome Boyfriend. And it is Driving Her Batty. Or, rather BATTY!!!! My MOM lives in Florida, so there is really No Reason for her to have Met Him yet. Except that she Constantly Asks, “WHEN DO I GET TO MEET THIS TOTALLY AWESOME BOYFRIEND OF YOURS????!!!!” Or, rather, “WHEN DO I GET TO MEET THIS TOTALLY AWESOME ‘BOYFRIEND’ OF YOURS.” The BOYFREIND Quotes are necessary because I am pretty sure She Doesn’t Believe He Exists.

To be sure, I have Purposely Kept Them Apart. Since I was A Teenager, My Complete Inability To Get A Boy To Commit More Than One Night/A Few Hours To Me And/Or Not Like Boys Themselves resulted in Sentences Spoken By My MOM that began, “WELL IF YOU EEEEEEVER HAVE A BOYFRIEND…” Questions like, “ARE YOU SURE HE LIKES YOU?????” And General Blanket Statements like, “YOU ARE TOO SMART!!!!! BOYS DON’T LIKE SMART GIRLS!!!!” So, you can see, introducing MY MOM to Totally Awesome Boyfriend seems slightly Unwise to me.

But, for The Past Couple Of Months now, My MOM has been Scheming to Meet Him. Easily Annoyed Sister had given me The Heads Up about MY MOM’s Plans. “She won’t stop asking me about Your Stupid Totally Awesome Boyfriend!! It is Super Annoying,” Easily Annoyed Sister lamented to me one day. And then, The Shenanigans began. First, My MOM called me up and Announced She Was Coming To Los Angeles for A Visit. But, with Easily Annoyed Sister now 3000 Miles Away, this would mean I would be The Sole Host For My MOM. As a result, I told My MOM. “NO Freaking Way!!” She got Angry, but just went Back To The Drawing Board. ‘WHY DON’T YOU COME TO FLORIDA!!!! I WILL PAY FOR 'HIM' TO FLY OUT!!! FLY 'HIM' OUT!!!” While this might be A Bit More Appealing, it would also mean we would be Held Captive By My MOM. My MOM collects Giraffes. And The Giraffes are Everywhere. Or, rather, EVERYWHERE!!!!! Stuck inside her Giraffe Infested Condo, Totally Awesome Boyfriend would have No Escape. And that is something I wouldn’t even Wish on The Worst Guy Ever Ever Ever. I mean, The Giraffe Collection is Torturous Enough. But, The Giraffe Collection and My MOM? Totally Terrifying. Totally Awesome Boyfriend would Run Away In Horror. Or else, be Trampled by A Herd Of Hungry Giraffes. Whichever Came First.

Now, My MOM’s Latest Plot To Meet Totally Awesome Boyfriend/Destroy My Love Life is to have us all Meet In Vegas. Last Week, I got A Message From Her: “THE DAILY RANDI, I AM BOOKING A TRIP TO VEGAS IN MAY. WHY DON’T YOU AND YOUR TOTALLY AWESOME ‘BOYFRIEND’ JOIN US????!!!!” I was supposed to believe that This Vegas Trip was A Coincidence. I called her back immediately and told her, “ MOM, I can’t Meet You in May. I am Too Busy with Work and we are Moving June 1st.” And then She went Crazy. Or, rather, CRAZY!!! “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN’T JOIN US???!!! WELL, INSTEAD I WILL DRIVE FROM LAS VEGAS TO LOS ANGELES. I WANT TO MEET THIS ‘BOYFRIEND’ OF YOURS!!!! WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED???? I WANT GRANDKIDS!!! ALL THE REST OF MY FRIENDS HAVE GRANDKIDS!!! DON’T SCARE HIM AWAY!!! YOU WILL PROBABLY SCARE HIM AWAY!!! I LOVE YOU!! DON’T BE TOO FUNNY!! YOU CAN GET MARRIED IN VEGAS!!! DON’T ELOPE!!!! ”

Thus, her Latest Plot To Meet Totally Awesome Boyfriend was A Totally Awesome Flop. Unfortunately, I know MY MOM won’t be Going Down that Easily. I half expect A Call from her Next Week informing me, “I HAVE RENTED A HOT AIR BALLOON THAT WILL BE FLYING OVER SANTA MONICA!!! I AM PROBALBY GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. WHERE DOES TOTALLY AWESOME 'BOYFRIEND' LIVE????? I CAN USE HIS!!!!”

And, I know What You Are All Thinking. But, I Swear – I am Not trying to Be TOO FUNNY about Any Of This.


Michael said...

Very funny -- and scary -- post. Or are you trying to convince us that your mom doesn't exist?

Anonymous said...

HA HA HA I think TAB has probably been properly forewarned about Mom and between the two of you, be able to manage her.

Because what I fear after reading this my friend? She's going to show up unannounced.

Anonymous said...

I agree with michael: how do we know your mom isn't George Glass?

Mr. Boy will be meeting my parents in a few weeks when they come out here for a visit. I'll be meeting his parents...the night before the wedding. Hee.

Anonymous said...

I think your mom is my neighbor!! I heard this woman by the mailboxes tell her friend walking a small tiny dog that she wants to meet her daughter, Daily Randi's boyfriend.

(just kidding of course!)

Diane Mandy said...

Oh my dear Randi...I totally feel your pain. I hope you can keep them apart for as long as possible, but you know this sort of thing is inevitable.

Green said...

I think you should send The Daily Mom a video of TAB - she's probably a perfectly nice mother, who'd just totally embarrass you by accident if she met him. Or she'd do it on purpose but think it's funny.

Or maybe you could put TAB on display, like department stores have, and The Daily Mom could be allowed to observe him for a half hour as long as she stayed behind a line painted on the sidewalk. TAB could perform all his bragging dances for her.

KleoPatra said...

Heh. So good. And i see you also love Jordan Catalano. Good taste, Randi...