Monday, August 27, 2007

Crazy Women And The Casinos That Love Them

On Sunday, MY MOM called. She calls nearly Every Sunday and Her Conversation always begins, “DID I WAKE YOU?!!!!!!” When I inform her, “No” she then asks, “WHAT TIME IS IT THERE???????!!!!!” I tell her The Time and then she relays to me What Time It Is In Florida. “WHAT IS ON YOUR TV RIGHT NOW??????!!!!!” We play This Game every week. My MOM, apparently needs to know The Time Zone System is Functioning Correctly. Then, inevitably, The Conversation turns to “WHEN AM I EVER GOING TO MEET THIS TOTALLY AWESOME BOYFRIEND OF YOURS, IF HE ACTUALLY EXISTS GOD OH GOD PLEASE LET IT HAPPEN BEFORE I DIE I HAVE TO GO I AM DIABETIC YOU ARE TOO THIN DON’T EAT SO MUCH GOODBYE!!!!!!”

And then I don’t usually Hear From Her again for An Entire Week. So, you can imagine My Alarm when she called back only A Few Hours Later.

“THE DAILY RANDI, I JUST CALLED TO TELL YOU I AM SENDING YOU A CHECK FOR $2000!!!!!”

“I told you, MOM. Our Trip to Florida is Confirmed. You will Finally Get To Meet Totally Awesome Boyfriend in November and see for yourself that He Actually Exists. You don’t need to Guilt Me into it. Save your Money.” I said, sighing. “And it is 5:30 here.”

“NO. I AM NOT SENDING YOU MONEY TO BOOK A TRIP TO FORT LAUDERDALE TO SEE ME YOUR ONLY MOTHER WHO YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IN OVER A YEAR!!!!!!! I AM SENDING YOU MONEY BECAUSE I WAS AT THE CASINO HERE IN FLORIDA BECAUSE I WAS BORED AND IT IS RAINING AND IT IS BRAND NEW AND VERY NICE AND I JUST GOT THERE AND I SAT DOWN TO PLAY THE 2 CENT MACHINE AND I PULLED THE LEVER AND I PLAYED ALL FIVE ROWS BECAUSE I ALWAYS PLAY ALL THE ROWS THAT IS THE ONLY WAY TO DO IT AND I WON $10,000.62!!!!!! SO I AM SENDING YOU AND YOUR EASILY ANNOYED SISTER EACH A CHECK FOR $2000. YOU ARE WELCOME!!!!!!”

“Wow,” I replied, taking it all in. “Thanks!”

‘YOU KNOW I DON’T HAVE TO SEND YOU OR YOUR SISTER ANYTHING. YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL!!!!!!!!”

“I said, ‘Thank you!’ Mom.”

“I HAD A CROWD OF PEOPLE AROUND ME WHEN I WON!!!!! YOU ARE SUCH A SELFISH CHILD WHILE I WAS WAITING FOR THE NICE CASINO PEOPLE TO BRING ME THE IRS PAPERWORK I WON $1200.87 MORE DOLLARS ON ANOTHER MACHINE I DON’T HAVE TO GIVE YOU ANYTHING IT IS MY PLEASURE TO SEND YOU SOMETHING YOUR HAIR LOOKS LIKE A RATS NEST WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU WEARING FEH I LOVE YOU WHERE DID I GO WRONG I WANT GRANDCHILDREN I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM IT IS 8:30 HERE GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And then she Hung Up.

The preceding Guilt Trip was brought to you in part by The Seminole Indian Tribe of South Florida. "Working Together with Jewish Mothers to Drive Their Children CRAZY."

12 comments:

Aimee said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

I only laugh at your pain because I never had to live with that.

OMG, TDR, your depiction of your mother is freaking hilarious. I hope it's at least partly an exaggeration. ;)

Will said...

If your mom sends me $2000, I'll go visit her.

Green said...

While you're in Fort Lauderdale, will you please visit my mom also? She's fully Jewish, but acts like half a jew. She'll encourage you to go out to eat, and then expect you to pay for it too.

In 2008, I promise to take the next shift of Visiting Jewish Mothers.

Nanette said...

I love it!!! Whatcha gonna do with your 2K?

R said...

I don't know what's better--the description of your phone call with your Mom or the scratch she's sending you.

Michael said...

Hysterical! Hope it's this funny in November...

The Daily Randi said...

Aimee -- Um, it's unfortunately, Not An Exagheration.

Will -- She'll feed you! But then she will tell you you are Getting Fat.

Green - 2008 has Green written all over it.

Nanette - I am investing My Prize Money in My Business, of course! (And buying something Nice for myself at Nordies...)

R - I vote for The Scratch.

Michael - Ha...You will have Blogging Material for Weeks!

Anonymous said...

this stupid website just lost my freaking comment.

and it was important. hmpf.

now i'm annoyed!

Anonymous said...

it didn't even save my freaking name!

errrrrr.

-easily annoyed

The Daily Randi said...

Dear (Ahem) "Anonymous,"

I hope you are enjoying Lake Placid!

xoxo,
TDR

geewits said...

That's really cool of your Mom. I guess.

Inanna said...

LOL! LOL! I love that someone has a mother like mine. Or maybe I'm sorry...

But my Mom doesn't send me money, or gamble...