Friday, January 02, 2009

Introducing....Auntie The Daily Randi!

Last week, I became An Aunt!

That’s right….Totally Awesome Husband’s Sister finally had her baby. She had A Boy. We got to see it right after it was born because she had A C-Section and gave us 24 Hours Notice. I felt bad for The Baby because I don’t think it received Any Notice At All. It came out Screaming and wouldn’t Stop. It probably would have been Nice to have at least posted An Eviction Notice. Poor thing had no idea that it was stuck in The Pregnancy Bubble and was about to be Foreclosed On.

After a baby is first Born, you can’t actually Go Near It. They take it away and perform all sorts of Tests on it to make sure it is Actually A Baby. Luckily, they perform All These Tests on New Babies in a room with A Big Glass Window. So, you can help The Baby Cheat. While were there, like, Three Other Babies were Born so we got to see them take their exams, too. Our Baby was almost Nine Pounds and was Big compared to The Other Babies in The Nursery. I told Totally Awesome Husband’s Family that I thought Our Baby could easily take on The Other Babies in A Fight and I volunteered to call one of them out and Manage Our Baby’s Take but no one seemed to take me seriously. No matter. Did you know that you can just walk into Hospitals and Stare At Babies all day? You can! That Big Window is Free and Open To The Public. I plan on spending my next vacation planted right in front of it, Challenging Babies To Fights and collecting Winnings. I want to be The Don King Of Baby Battling.

The Saddest Part of the whole Being Born Stuff was that, apparently it is Against The Law. So, the Kid was Booked, Footprinted, and had his Mug Shot taken immediately. And then he got An Ankle Bracelet, and placed under Hospital Arrest. Just in case The Baby Tried To Escape, I guess. I don’t know How Many Newborn Babies Try To Check Out Of The Hospital Unnoticed. My guess would be it is Slim. But, you know, One New Baby probably Got Away and ruined it for All Of The Other Babies and now all The Babies Have To Sit In Hospital Prison for The First Three Days Of Its Life. Boo! Free The Babies!

Anyhow, I am Very Excited to Be An Aunt and I plan on celebrating, ala Auntie Mame, by throwing Lavish Parties, Drinking A Lot, and Polishing Up On My Witty Banter. Why, just last week I remarked that I thought We Needed A Little Christmas, Right This Very Minute! Of course, it Was Christmas when I said this. And we are Jewish and don’t celebrate the holiday.


Welcome To The World, Little Nephew! You were born during A Recession. No Toys For You!


Nanette said...

I love your take on the whole delivery experience. Hilarious!

Congrats, Auntie Randi!

Anonymous said...

Aww, he's precious. Congratulations!

Stephanie Williams Photography said...

You're so funny! Congrats on being and auntie!

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