Apparently, I Am Too Old For A White Wedding.

Tonight, Totally Awesome Fiancé and I were sitting at The Counter of one of our favorite restaurants. We are in A Restaurant Rut. Every time we decide we want to Go Out To Eat, we both rattle off All The Same Old Places. Then, we go to One Of These Places and while we are eating, we Complain That We Never Try Anything New. And then we Do That All Again The Next Time. See? Restaurant Rut!

Anyhow, we were eating dinner and I noticed a young girl wearing a Flashdanced Billy Idol T-Shirt. This Girl could not have been older than 28. Thirty at the max.

“Do you That Billy Idol T-Shirt that That Girl is wearing is Authentic? Or do you think she bought it at Some Vintage T-Shirt Place?” I asked Totally Awesome Fiancé.

“Vintage,” he replied, not missing a beat.

I Agreed. That Girl was Too Young to remember A Time when Billy Idol Was Real, Not Retro. And then, I felt Old. Mostly because I think I Owned The Authentic Version Of The Shirt at some time in my life. I must have given it Away years ago. Maybe that was My Shirt!

I do still have my Madonna Like A Virgin Tour T-Shirt! It is folded Very Neatly in My T-Shirt Drawer. I saved it all this time because it has Sentimental Value. It was My First Concert Ever and I went there with My First Boyfriend Ever. We had 24th Row Seats at Madison Square Garden and I remembered My Mom bought them from An Illegal Scalper she found in Newsday. The Illegal Scalper promised Delivery, and when he finally arrived at Our House Alllllllll The Way Out on Eastern Long Island, I remember The Scalper grumbled, “I had no idea Long Island Was So Fucking Long.” Later, during The Summer, one of The Cute Counselors at Summer Camp picked me as Peanut Pal, which is sort of like Secret Santa just Not At Christmas Time, and The Cute Counselor had someone sneak in to my cabin to steal My Madonna Like A Virgin Tour T-Shirt so that he could wear it at The Peanut Pal Parade and show that he was My Peanut Pal. I was So Honored! So, I had to Save The Shirt! No Give Aways here!

Of course, I haven’t worn it in years and years. It is kind of Out Of Date now. The sleeves are Too Long. (In fact, they were Too Long then. We used to Roll Up The Sleeves!) And The Logo is not printed in The Cutest Place, just over The Boobage Area. A few years ago, I decided to wear The Shirt To A Trendy Los Angeles Mall Center, just on a whim. A Young Kid stopped me.

“Hey! Cool Shirt! Where did you buy it?” The Young Kid asked.

“Um…Madison Square Garden. In 1985.”

Here’s hoping he thought I was talking about A New Vintage T-Shirt Store On Melrose Avenue and not thinking, “That Woman is Really Really Old.”