Wednesday, January 02, 2008

My Beef With The Jerky

For 2008, I have A New Television Boyfriend:



Totally Awesome Fiancé got me into this show, which airs on The Discovery Channel. Basically, Survivorman gets dropped off into The Middle Of Nowhere with just The Clothes On His Back, some Camera Equipment, and sometimes One Solitary Stick Of Beef Jerky. Then, he films himself out in The Wild, trying to Survive for Seven Days.

Most of the time, Survivorman is A Negative Ninny. Survivorman likes to focus on All The Horrible Things That Are Going To Happen To Him. Like, he will dig himself a cave to sleep in, but then he turns to the camera as he is falling asleep and says, “I hope Bears Don’t Eat Me Tonight.” Or, he will be walking though a jungle and his Fire goes out and he reports that “Now, I have No Way to ward off The Poisonous Snakes that lurk overheard.” Personally, if I were Stuck Surviving in some Crazy Place, I would try to be a little more Optimistic. “Hey, today I might get Rescued!” I would tell myself. “My Fire will blaze Forever!” I would reason. Or, “Those Snakes must want to be My Friend!” That’s The Power of Positive Thinking!

I think, however, I find Survivorman’s Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Super Duper. He is just a Bad Boy, Brooding away in The Backwoods. And that is My Attraction. You know The Type – Tells you about All The Horrible Things that will happen to you, but then Promises To Protect You from them. And then in The Middle Of The Night, he leaves, searching for “Higher Ground.” Basically, he is The Type I Used To Date. Except, when he Dumps You, at least Survivorman will leave you with A Really Good Multitool and some Beef Jerky. The Best I could usually hope for was A Post It Note With Some Other Girl’s Phone Number.

Ah, Sweet, Chivalrous, Shitty Third Date, Survivorman! How I Adore Thee!

God, I am So Relieved I am Getting Married.


Diane Mandy said...

I saw this show just once before I left the US. I can see where he...I mean it... could be addictive. Belated Happy New Year, DR!

Green said...

There was an article about this guy in Newsweek a few weeks ago.

TDR, your fire WOULD last forever, because you are a member of the tribe, and that's what fires do for us.

evilsciencechick said...

you know who is also hot?

Mike Rowe from Dirty Jobs.


Lori said...

If you like this you have to watch Man Vs. Wild. Bear is better looking and has British accent to boot. He is without a doubt, my biggest reality show TV crush.