Thursday, June 21, 2007

On The Lot, Off With Their Heads!

I have A New Favorite Trainwreck of The Summer of 2007! No, I am not speaking of Little Baby Dannielyn Smith Stern-Birkhead, although I fully expect her to be My New Favorite Trainwreck of Summer, 2023. No, I mean On The Lot, The Fox Television Show produced by Steven Spielberg and Mark Burnett. It’s A Reality Show, where they search for The Next Great Filmmaker. It is Absolutely Awful and I Can’t Stop Watching!

I would tell you How The Show Works, but it seems to Change from Week to Week. The Program started out So Promising – they had like Fifty Aspiring Filmmakers submit films. Then they brought them to Los Angeles and made them Pitch Their Ideas to The Judging Panel. You knew The Show was going to be Bad/Good when they had them Pitch Ideas while standing On A Stage, presented like An American Idol Audition. And The Judges – Carrie Fisher, Garry Marshall, and That Week’s Special Guest Judge Brett Ratner -- were Actually Attentive. This is Not Quite Realistic. If they wanted these Filmmakers to experience True Hollywood, they should have made them Pitch To Brett Ratner’s Assistant. While The Assistant Ate Lunch. And Ordered Lunch for Ratner. While looking at you Cock-Eyed. And thinking you needed A Boob Job. But, still, he’d Do You. I’m Just Saying.

The Next Week, they had to Work Together In Groups and Make A Movie. This was more like The Apprentice but was still quite interesting because you could see What Sort Of Personalities The Contestants Had. Anyone who has ever Worked On A Student Film, could relate to these types. “He’s A Big Asshole!” you think, a moment before you realize with regret that just means He Will Go Far In The Film Business.

But, I guess that is around the time when The Ratings Came In and Fox realized I Was The Only One Watching. So, they changed The Format once again. They brought in A New Host who is All Whore and Can’t Read The Teleprompter without Screwing Up at least once each show. They cut the show down to One Night, when it was Originally Two. They Got Rid of Eight Contestants sans explanation. The Project we were told would be the contestant’s next was Scrapped and now were just seeing Their Original Submissions. And, boy are these Submissions BAD! How did these people Get Selected? Sure, some of them show some Real Talent, although not fully developed. But, others can’t even get Basic Conventions Of Film! Their Movies have No Plot! No Character Development! The Comedy is Off! Why would Steven Spielberg want Any One Of These People Working For Him?

Still, I can’t Turn Away. I love seeing How Awful The Movies Are! It makes My Self-Esteem Fly High! “Hey!” I think to myself as I sit watching from my sofa. “I would make A Much Better Film than these schmucks!” And every week, there is A New Format! Who can even Follow The Rules of this ridiculous show anymore?

But, that is not The Best Part of On The Lot. No, The Best Part is that Totally Awesome Boyfriend, who by the way has A Masters Degree In Screenwriting From One Of The Most Acclaimed Film Schools In The World, thinks The Show is Bad/Good, too! “Is That Stupid Show On The Lot on tonight?” he will ask, like Every Day. “I Hate That Show! Let’s Watch It!”

And if I can get Totally Awesome Boyfriend interested in “One Of Your Stupid Reality TV Shows”, as he puts it, you know The Program Must Be Good.

Uh, I mean it must be Really Really Bad. After all, he still won’t watch Top Chef.


Anonymous said...

Ive been watching on The lot! Love Carrie Fisher! She is looking OLD!!! As for the hate reality show me and the hubby's America's Got Talent. WE hate it but we keep watching it!

Anonymous said...

"I hate that show! Let's watch it"

LOL Love it. explains my new fascination with "The Age of Love" Those women in their 40s (who are really 39) are awesome! Those 21 and 23 year olds are nitwits. And you know in the end, the totally awesome women will be cast aside for a nitwit. Becuase men like nitwits, and my 20+ years of dating support this theory. And still I can't look away! I live the damn premise of this show and i still watch!