Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Exorcizing My Rights

A few weeks ago, My Landlord Replaced My Refrigerator. Since the day I Had Moved In, the thing was never Right. It kept things Cool and Frozen okay. But, every now and then, it would make The Most Enormous HUMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Like This: “HUMMMMMMMMMMMM!!” One of My Friends called it The Sound Of The Devil. And that was a pretty Accurate Description Of The Noise.

Over the years, I have called The Building Manager countless times and complained that My Refrigerator required An Exorcist. Usually, they would send Some Old Man Who Only Spoke Russian to “Look At The Refrigerator” the next day. I would watch him Fiddle With The Freezer Compartment for a few minutes. A few hours later, The Building Manager would call to give me The Diagnosis: “You keep Too Much Food in Fridge. Not So Much Food.” Considering I Don't Cook and I Live By Myself, this was a rather Inexcusable Excuse for The Reason My Refrigerator Was The Host Of A Small Demon. I mean, it basically holds A Quart Of Non-Fat Milk, Some Cream Cheese, and A Bag Of Baby Carrots. We are not talking Full On Food, here.

About A Month Ago, The Freezer finally Just Stopped Working. This time, The Old Man Who Only Spoke Russian Refrigerator “Repair” Man prescribed A New Solution: “Replace The Refrigerator!” I was So Relieved!

The First Replacement Fridge they gave me wasn’t New. But, they assured me, It Would Work. I wasn’t Surprised when Three Days Later, I came home from work and Everything Was Warm/Spoiled. And by Everything, I mean My Quart Of Non-Fat Milk, My Cream Cheese, and My Bag Of Baby Carrots. And when The Old Man Who Only Spoke Russian Refrigerator “Repair” Man told me to “give it a few days,” I Really Really Complained. “It has been Over A Week now!” I screamed at The Building Manger. “Since when do we give Household Appliances Handicaps??!”

The Next Day, they delivered A Brand New Refrigerator to me. And I am Happy To Report, it Works. But, I do have One Small Problem. When The Men came to Take Away The Old Fridge and Bring Me The New One, they neglected to make sure the appliance was Evenly Situated On The Floor. So, it sort of Leans Forward. All of my groceries feel like they are Racing Towards Me whenever I open the door. And by All My Groceries, what I really mean is My Quart Of Non-Fat Milk, My Cream Cheese, and My Bag Of Baby Carrots. They all feel like they are Pummeling At Me. When I called to Complain About My Leaning Tower Of Frigidaire, it fell on Deaf Ears. Well, it fell on Doesn’t Understand English Very Well Ears.

But, I guess I should Count My Blessings. At least My Slanted Chiller isn’t Chilling Me With Satan any longer.


Michael said...

Most people are haunted by their fridge for different reasons. Your leaning tower must be how you stay so lean. Or maybe it's the baby carrots.

Anonymous said...

I think there is a fridge conspiracy in Hollywood. I'm on my third one, and when the previous two broke, the Russian "repair" guy said they worked just fine. Um, then why is everything NOT COLD? Lame.

Gooch said...

I'm just shocked there are still apartment complexes who offer refridgerators as part of the deal. Every apartment I ever rented in Orange County you were on your own in the fridge department.

Anonymous said...

Gooch...I've been in my apartment almost 10 years (yay rent control!). The tenants that moved in recently don't get a fridge.

evilsciencechick said...

I can't think of an apartment complex around here that doesn't provide a fridge. that's weird, gooch.

anyway, at my old apartment, I had my bathroom door FALL OFF the hinge. which was OK, because it was just me and the dog and Sadie and I have no secrets. but it did upset visiting guests (I hung a beach towel).

That took them three months to fix. THEN one day, Sadie started freaking out and I eventually figured out that there was HUGE GAPING HOLE in the wall behind my fridge and squirrels had gotten in and eaten all of her peanut butter biscuits.

They...never...fixed that problem. I had to hammer the little plywood panel that they had originally used to fix the problem back on MYSELF.


anyway, my point is, apartment managers suck, and yay for your new fridge! who cares if your milk is a little menacing now, at least it's cold!

I should send you a half a jar of grey poupon mustard. everyone in the world has a half a jar of grey poupon mustard in their fridge. just to keep your carrots company.

Anonymous said...

Our apartment came with no fridge. No stove/oven.

But if I'm not mistaken, it's pretty easy to level your fridge. All you need is an adjustable wrench and a helpful friend!