Against All Louds

Earlier this week, Totally Awesome Boyfriend and I dined at A Casual Eating Establishment that we frequent. Shortly after we were seated, a waiter came by to greet us. As he walked away, our drink order in hand, A Woman seated at The Table Across From Us called after him, “EXCUSE ME!!! EXCUSE ME!!!!” She was Very Loud. It seemed like she must have been Being Ignored By The Server for Quite A While. Or, maybe She Needed Something Right Away.

Or, so You Would Think. Although he Clearly Heard Her, as did The Entire Restaurant and The People Living In The Near By Residential Area, The Waiter Kept Walking. I assumed He Was Very Busy. I used to Play That Game when I worked as A Waitress, ignoring Needy People by Pretending I Was Distracted and/or Deaf. But, after A Few Moments of Sitting Next To This Woman, Totally Awesome Boyfriend and I discovered This Was Not The Case. Instead, This Woman just Talked Really Loud. No, I mean REALLY LOUD!!!! Every Word she said was SHOUTED at her dining partner, A Woman, Sipping A Glass Of Wine, Who Couldn’t Get A Word In Edgewise And We Felt Very Very Sorry For. LOUD Woman went On and On and ON about Herself! She was SO LOUD that I couldn’t hear Totally Awesome Boyfriend who was sitting Directly Next To Me and Whispering In My Ear. That Kind Of LOUD. It bordered on Ridiculous. In fact, at one point, Totally Awesome Boyfriend and I stopped our attempt to Communicate With Words, Looked At Each Other, and began to Laugh. It was almost Impossible to Carry On A Conversation with This Woman nearby. The Waiter probably thought this was just a case of The Customer Who Called Wolf, her Shouting After Him rendered Meaningless. Why, She Shouted Everything! Eh, I mean EVERYTHING!!!

As A Result, Here is What I Know About Loud Woman:

HER NAME IS LEAH SHE HAS SHORT BLONDE HAIR BUT SHE WANTS TO GROW IT LONG AND DYE IT RED BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A REDHEAD, SHE DRINKS WHITE WINE, SHE CRIED WHEN SHE DIDN’T GET INTO USC, SHE WANTED TO GO TO NYU, SHE WRITES AND SHE WRITES GOOD STUFF AND SHE CALLED HER FRIEND KIM AND AKSED HER TO GO THE MOVIES, AND BY THE WAY, SHE SAW THE QUEEN AND IT WAS FABULOUS BUT SHE GOT VERY UPSET WITH ALL THE FOOTAGE OF PRNICESS DIANA BECAUSE SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL AND IT WAS SO SAD AND HELEN MIRRAN REALLY SMILES A LOT AS THE QUEEN AND SHE WISHES SHE OULD SMILE THROUGH THE PAIN, TOO AND SO KIM SAID NO TO GOING WITH HER AND SHE WAS HIGHLY OFFENDED WHEN SHE SAID NO BECAUSE SHE HAS BEE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND TO HER, AFTERALL SHE FED HER CATS FOR HER LAST JULY AND HER MOTHER TOLD HER HER POETRY WAS BRILLIANT AND SHE IS HUNGRY AND IF SHE HAD A CAT SHE WOULD NEVER FEED IT CAT FOOD BECAUSE IT SHOULD EAT ORGANIC FOOD TO HAVE THE STRONGEST HEART.

If you See/HEAR This Woman, Dear Readers, kindly tell her to SHUT UP!!!!!

Thank You.