Tuesday, October 10, 2006

A Hellish Holiday

I have to Stop with The Candy Corn.

Yeah. You know Exactly what I mean.

The Thing Is, at first, I Couldn’t Find It Anywhere! Yearning to fill My Candy Bowl with Bite Size Bits Of Seasonal Deliciousness, as I am Wont To Do around Halloween, I went to My Local Grocery Store in search of The Latest Selection. My Local Grocery Store has An Entire Wall devoted to Halloween Treats. Every Type of Candy is now Marketed and Repackaged for The Holiday, it seems. There are Orange Starburst, Autumn Kisses, Caramel Peanut Butter Cups. I even eyed Healthy, Halloween Granola Bars!

Now, you know That Healthy Granola Bar House is So Totally Getting Egged. When I was A Kid, there was That Big Cyanide In The Tylenol Scare right before Halloween. My MOM declared, “DEATH TO CANDY!!!!!!” for fear of Accidentally Poisoning Children with Tampered-With Treats. That year, we gave out “Educational Items.” Like, “Erasers” and “Paper Clips.” Yeah, Our House was Hit Hard that night. We were Egged, TP’d and Silly Stringed/Shaving Creamed like Never Before. As a result, The Next Year, My MOM declared The Previous Treatless Year, “AN EXPERIMENT IN EDUCATION GONE HORRIBLY WRONG, MUCH LIKE OPEN WALLED CLASSROOMS/NEW MATH!!!! AND THE FRANKENSTEIN MONSTER!!!“ And MOM went back into “THE LAB” and pulled out A Huge Bag of Fun Sized Butterfinger Bars for that year’s Distribution. I wouldn’t be Surprised to learn that My MOM had Tampered With The Treats herself that next year, just to get “REVENGE!!!” But, as far as I know, No One Got Really Sick or Died. And Our House was finally off The Neighborhood Kid Halloween Shit List. So, you know, I feel for That Poor Healthy Granola Bars For Halloween Household.

Anyhow, The Grocery Store Had Everything but Candy Corn. I couldn’t believe it! I even looked up and down the aisles, looking for some sort of Special Candy Corn Display. Nothing! Finally, I Asked Someone, “Where is The Candy Corn?” The Grocery Store Someone gave me A Puzzled Look. “Wow!” he said in return. “I Don’t Know!”

That was It. I was now On A Mission To Obtain My Annual Dose Of Seasonal Deliciousness! Was this A Candy Corn Conspiracy??!!! What a Candy-undrum!

Well, I didn’t have to look Too Far. I found Candy Corn at The Drug Store. And so, fearing A Candy Corn-less Holiday, I Stocked Up and purchased Two Whole Bags!!! Once I got home, I naturally opened a bag and poured some in My Candy Dish. And then, I proceeded To Eat The Entire Bowl!!! This was A Candy Corn-aster!!

Immediately, I dumped The Other Bag in The Garbage. But, not before Opening It Up and Filling It With Water, just in case I decided to use The Trash Can as My New Candy Dish. And -- just like That -- I had Destroyed My Bite Sized Bits Of Seasonal Deliciousness.

Of course, it is only October 10th. There are still nearly Two Whole Weeks before Halloween. So, Candy Corn Consumption may (Accidentally) Continue. Which means, Halloween Candy is No Treat At All! Rather, It is some Awful, Evil, Autumn Trick, instead!

But, also, it means from now on, I may need to consider filling My Candy Dish with “Erasers” and “Paper Clips” instead.


Michael said...

The Daily Randi won't have the daily candy? You gotta have it daily handy. So sez Jessica daily Tandy. She daily demandy. The Daily Randi -- Tandy demandy candy handy.

I need a brandy.

Anonymous said...

Of course, it is only October 10th. There are still nearly Two Whole Weeks before Halloween.

psst - as of october 10th, there were still Exactly Three Weeks until halloween.

Cybele said...

You haven't even begun to discover. There is Indian Corn, from (presumably) India, and the PC version of same known as Harvest Corn, which is (?) browner, and another version with a name I don't know that includes a putrescent shade of green.

None of which are Chocolate, and are therefore inferior sweets.

(what is it with me and the superlong security 'words' today?)