Sunday, October 08, 2006

Burning Down The House

Last week, Totally Awesome Boyfriend tried to Kill Me.

Okay. That is not Entirely True. But, he did try to Set Me On Fire. Yes, Dear Readers, I could have Died. Lucky for all of us, I had The Good Sense to scream, “Fire”! Well, actually, I think I screamed, “Popcorn!”

See, I had just gotten to Totally Awesome Boyfriend’s Totally Awesome Apartment after a long day at Work and A Totally Awful Commute. After expressing an interest in Some Sort Of Delicious After-Awful Commute Snack, Totally Awesome Boyfriend remembered – He Had Popcorn! Months ago, I had brought over A Movie and Red Vines and Jiffy Popcorn for An Awfully Adorable Movie Night. The Movie and Licorice were Long Gone. But, The Jiffy Pop was still sitting Unwrapped on top of Totally Awesome Boyfriend’s Totally Awesome Refrigerator. It turned out, Totally Awesome Boyfriend didn’t like Popcorn.

Naturally, I jumped at The Opportunity to enjoy some Delicious Popcorn. After all, Popcorn is A Nutritious Snack! Whenever I eat Popcorn, I always remember that Way Back When, I read that Madonna claimed to Live On Popcorn during Her Early Days In The East Village Before She Was A Big Star because it was All She Could Afford and It Was Good For Her. Totally Awesome Boyfriend even volunteered to Make The Jiffy Popcorn. I could just Sit Back, Watch, and Enjoy! Ahh, Totally Awesome (and Delicious/Nutritious) Things!

Of course, Jiffy Popcorn is Exciting and Fun to Make! Long before Microwaves Came To Be, Jiffy Pop ruled The Popcorn Poppin’ Roost. You buy it in The Grocery Store and then you take off The Lid and you stick it on Your Stove Top and then The Tinfoil Expands as The Kernels Within The Packaging Pop! It is Totally Fun To Make – if you Make It Totally Correctly. But, Totally Awesome Boyfriend, not liking Popcorn, had Never Made Jiffy Pop Popcorn before, and he Mistakenly Yanked Off The Entire Lid. That’s why as The Jiffy Pop Lid Expanded, The Newly (Jiffily) Popped Popcorn began to Sneak Out The Side and fall into The Stovetop Flame.

And that is when I yelled out, “Fire!”

It was kind of Exciting to see Totally Awesome Boyfriend change into his Super Cape and announce, “I’ll Save You!” right before Panicking and Throwing (Cupped Hands) Of Totally Awesome Kitchen Sink Water Onto The Rising Flames. “Stand Back!” he yelled, just like A Real Fireman.

As I Stood Back, I stepped on a Soggy, Yet Still Smoldering Kernel Of Corn and burnt The Bottom Of My Foot. But, I was Relieved that Totally Awesome Boyfriend had Put The Fire Out.

“Wow!” I said swatting my hands through The Smokey Air as I wrapped my arms around him. “That was A Close One! Good Thinking!”

“Aww…It was Nothing,” he replied. Yet, I could still feel his Totally Awesomely Panicked Heart Beating through his t-shirt.

“Totally Awesome Boyfriend, You’re My Totally Awesome Hero!” I whispered into his ear right before kissing him.

A few minutes later, I sat on Totally Awesome Boyfriend’s Totally Awesome Sofa and enjoyed A Big After-Awful Commute Bowl Of Very Soggy, Water Drenched Jiffy Pop Popcorn.

And, Yes – It was Totally Awesomely Delicious.

1 comment:

the Yearning Heart said...

I'm glad that No One Was Seriously Hurt. Having been the Floor Safety Captain in a Small Restaurant, I can tell you that you should Never Ever Throw Water on a Stove Fire or a Grease Fire. The Reasons For This:

* A Stove is often Full of Hidden Grease, and water will make the Grease Float To The Top. Grease and Oil Are Just As Flammable as a Match Stick, and when you Throw Water On It, the Water/Grease Combination can Splatter or Turn Into Vaporized Particles of Airborne Grease, which can Explode Like Premium Gasoline and Burn The Crap Out Of You.

* Also, many stoves are Electric, and We All Know that Water and Electricity are a Dangerous Combination.

Your Best Bet is to try to Turn Off The Stove, and Cover the Fire With a Large Metal Lid, while Reaching For Your Totally Awesome Kitchen Fire Extinguisher.

What? Totally Awesome Boyfriend doesn't have a Kitchen Fire Extinguisher? Don't Just Put One on His Gift List- Go Get Him One! They're Less Expensive than a Half Tank of Gas, and Way Less Expensive than Reconstructive Plastic Surgery to Repair Third Degree Burns!

This Public Safety Announcement is Courtesy of This Blog, The Yearning Heart, and The Ventura County Fire Department, reminding The Daily Randi that Oct 8 - 14 Is Fire Prevention Week.