Thursday, October 05, 2006

An Open Letter

Dear Best Friend From High School:

Hello, Best Friend From High School! It was Very Nice To hear from you the other day. Congratulations of your Upcoming Wedding. I am Very Happy for you. And Thank You so much for inviting me to Participate As One Of Your Bridesmaids. That is quite An Honor. I hope you know, this request is something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, though, I will have to decline the Invitation. As a Life-Long Friend, I think you know Why I Need To Do So and I am Very Sorry if it Hurts you. But, what you are doing goes against Everything I Stand For: You are marrying A Yankees Fan. And, as you well know, I am A Giant Mets Fan. You used to be, too. And, we both know, Your Fiancé has no plans to Change Teams.

Remember how, back in high school, we would go to Every Game we could (get our parents to drive us to)? You would bring your binoculars and we would stare at Ron Darling’s Derri√®re while he was pitching! Gosh, he was Dreamy. And, one of my favorite pictures is The One Of You And I Standing Outside Shea Stadium, wearing Two Giant Orange Fingers. And who could forget Game Sever Of The World Series in 1986?!

Obviously, You Can.

I know, you insist that you will be raising your children as Mets Fans. But, we both know, in this world it is much easier to be A Yankees Fan. Yankees have all the Money. Their Crap is sold Everywhere. What are you going to do if some Well-Meaning Aunt buys Your Future New Baby A Pinstriped Onesie/Monstrosity? I know exactly what you will do: You Will Put It On Your Unfortunate Future New Baby. Next thing you know, That Poor Baby is rooting for The Yankees. And The Mets have lost Another One forever.

Also, what do you suppose you will do with All The Yankees Paraphernalia your Husband-To-Be has Collected since he was a kid? I don’t assume he will be Throwing Anything Away. No, most likely, you will let him Display It – in your living room no less -- and in front of your foyer window, where all the world will assume your household roots for The Evil Yankees. How will you explain the presence of This Stupid Stuff to your children?

As you know, I was raised to set Very Strict Boundaries when it comes to Baseball. In fact, several members of my family do not believe that the Los Angeles Dodgers should be displaying Brooklyn Dodgers Memorabilia in their stadium because They Are Not The Same Team and every year work on A Petition to Get The Dodgers To Change Their Name. So, I take This Issue quite seriously.

And, so Dear Best Friend From High School, although I want to be at your wedding, I find I am unable to participate as an attendant. My Mets are The Most Aspect Of My Life -- More Important to me than even My Family or My Friends.

But, also, you like Totally Scheduled your wedding the same weekend as That Hawaiian Cruise I Just Booked and they won’t even grant me A Partial Refund.

Your Best Friend From High School

P.S. Mets in Three, Detroit in Five.


Michael said...

“More Important to me than even My Family or My Friends”

in other words, your Metsism comes before your being a loving supportive friend. you need to get over yourself. you need to learn the difference between being righteous, self-righteous and right-handers facing lefty pitchers in a 2-out, 2-men on, bottom-of-the-ninth situation, right?

so yes, The Daily Randi, you are a Bronx Bomber bigot, prejudiced against Pinstripes. i am trying to remember the Long Islander phrase for someone who used to ride the 7 train to games and claims to keep all the Shea Laws, yet still manages not to be Subway Series Serious person.

does Shabby Chic have any non-Mets relatives? Or Easily Annoyed Sister? heaven knows you wouldn't want to be polluted.

Shea Law demands that you treat converts as full fledged Mets fans. but would you demand that a converted bridegroom, say from Montreal which no longer has a team ‘cause they think baseball is merde, or Toronto where your beloved Carlos Delgado comes from, exclude his family from the wedding--indeed, from your lives?

you sit in judgment, but it's not like you're some sort of Mets Menschette. you watch other sports outside the home -- play them, too. You cheat at air hockey. you talk on the phone during Mets doubleheaders against the Atlanta or the Marlins. Also, I hear you don’t mind watching Yankees games.

Darryl Strawberry -- former Met and Yankee star and now often incarcerated guest of the state of Florida -- would be disappointed in you.

ps. Dodgers in 5, Yanks in 3 – make that 4.

Randi said...


I am tempted to Delete Your Comment because it doesn't agree with My Post. And, also, because you unfairly accuse me of being some sort of Air Hockey Cheating Person.

I am trying to Think of the Long Islander Phrase for Sore-Loser Yankees Fan. I think it is "Michael."

I Will Still Let You Participate In My Wedding,