You Are Such A Dog!

Today I visited with my good friend, Jessica From Vermont. Jessica and I have known each other for Years, having befriended one another during A Super Summer Stock Stint. Jessica is Very Vermontish, meaning she Owns Stock In An Organic Vegetable Farm and I Always Half-Expect Her To Have Dead Leaves Just Sort Of Stuck In Her Hair, like she may have Fallen Asleep Under A Giant Maple Tree Somewhere. Now, once a year, we get together and talk about Old Times and Catch Up and she points out How Much The East Village Has Changed Since I Used To Live There and I always refuse to Walk All The Way To Avenue C. We have A Great Time.

As we were walking through Washington Square Park today, on our quest for Delicious Magnolia Bakery Cupcakes, we noticed A Man Walking Three Dogs. The Dogs were Cute – Two of them were Little Scotties and One was A Really Adorable Beagle.

“Awwwwww! What Sweet Doggies!” said Jessica, pointing out The Canine Trio.

“But, Look!” I said. “That Scottie has The Beagle’s Leash in its mouth! That Dog is Walking That Dog.”

And sure enough, that was Exactly what was happening. We stood there, observing how The Owner tugged at The Two Scotties’s Leashes. And then, One Scottie pulled at The Leash In His Mouth, dragging The Beagle along.

“That’s So Weeeeeeird,” said Jessica in her usual Laid Back Tone.

“That’s Doggie Slavery, is what That Is!” I declared.

Sure, to the Outsider’s Eye, it may be Really Cute that One Dog was Walking The Other. But, what if that was Not What Was Really Happening?! What if That Cute Little Beagle was Enslaved to That Scottie?! Maybe that Doggie was Constantly being Pushed Around by The Others! More likely, The Beagle was nothing more than A Doggie Sex Slave, forever being Hump-bused! That Beagle was merely An Indentured Dogvent! How Undogtunate!

“Wow,” said Jessica, upon hearing My Explanation. “You know what? I think That Doggie needs An Underground Canine Railroad.”

“Or at least A Visit from Underdog,” I replied.

And then we continued walking, on our quest for Delicious Cupcakes.