Monday, August 28, 2006

Net Fit

My MOM really likes Movies, so as a gift for Chanukah last year, I bought her A Three Month Subscription to Netflix. I Love Netflix – I find it Convenient and Affordable. Netflix Mails You DVDs and after You Watch Them, You Send Them Back and They Send You More! Brilliant! I figured My MOM would find Netflix Quite Helpful, as she would have movies delivered straight to her door! My MOM is usually The Queen Of Late Fees, never failing to return a rented film nearly three weeks late.

I hadn’t heard A Peep from My MOM about her gift subscription, so I assumed she had extended it past the end of her certificate and was Greatly Enjoying her DVDs for the past six months. This weekend, I was in Florida visiting her and I wanted to Hear All About How Much She Adored My Present.

“How do you like Netflix, Mom?” I asked, confidentially.

“I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!” she returned.

Now, we all know My MOM has Strong Reactions to Many Things. But, this wasn’t how I expectant her to Respond. So, I followed up with, “What? Why don’t you want to talk about it? All I asked you was whether or not you still used Netflix?”

“I HATE IT!!!!!! I HAVE TWO MOVIES AND I NEVER EVEN WATCHED THEM AND SO I NEVER RETURNED THEM AND NOW THEY ARE STILL CHARGING ME AND I CAN’T CANCEL IT UNTIL I RETURN THE MOVIES!!! THEY ARE SO STUPID, THAT NETFLIX I DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW IT WORKS AND THERE ARE NO DIRECTIONS AND WHO HAS TIME TO SIGN ON TO THE COMPUTER YOU HAVE TO SHOW ME HOW TO CHECK MY E-MAIL I HAVE 476 UNREAD MESSAGES AND I DON’T WANT THEM IN MY MAILBOX BUT I KEEP GETTING THEM BECAUSE SOMEONE SENT ME A SWEEPSTAKES ENTRY FROM AND I GUESS I CLICKED ON SOMETHING AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BUT NOW I GET ALL THIS JUNK MAIL AND YOU HAVE TO HELP ME CANCEL J-DATE AND AOL, TOO!!!!!!”

“Mom, why don’t you just Return The Movies you didn’t watch?”

“I DON’T KNOW HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!”

And so, I Showed Her How. I located The Netflix Disks, still Unsealed, next to her Florida Room Television Set. I demonstrated how you simply, Open The Movie and How One Reseals It For Return. Next, I walked The Movies To The Mailbox, not Three Feet Away from her Front Door. After that, I went on her Computer and Cancelled Her Netflix Account. The Whole Returning The Movies/Canceling The Netflix Process took about Two Minutes Total. She just Shook Her Head at The Challenge Of It All.

“I NEVER COULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT!!!!!! YOU ARE SO SMART!!! BOYS DON’T LIKE GIRLS WHO ARE TOO SMART!! DON’T BE A SMART ALEC!! THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME!!!!”

I am Still Not Sure what My MOM found to be So Difficult about Netflix. Although, this is a woman who Thinks She Can’t Get A New Cable Box Installed because when she rang The Cable Company to order it, she asked, “WILL THE GUY MOVE MY TELEVISION SET WHEN HE COMES TO INSTALL THE BOX!!!???” and they took this to mean, “I HAVE SOME FURNITURE THAT NEEDS TO BE REARRANGED!!!!” In reality, My MOM was just feared that The Cable Guy would make Her move the Television when he came to hook up The New Box and it would be Way Too Heavy. I assured her, The Cable Company would move the Television Set, and Not Her. I don’t know where she gets Her Ridiculous Ideas sometimes.

Still, I felt Really Bad about her present. I thought she was going to Really Like Netflix. I had no idea she would find it So Complicated. So, This Year, I will probably just stick with A More Traditional Chanukah Gift. Like, A Sweater or Something.

I just pray whatever I get her, she Likes. I don’t want there to be any more Complicated Returns.

4 comments:

Northern_Southerner said...

Hilarious (as usual)! And at least it proves that the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree! ;-)

Michael said...

Some boys like smart girls who wised up about what to get their mom, while their Netflix subscription was a brilliant idea for those particular boys...

the Yearning Heart said...

Your MOM is Half Right. Dumb Boys don't like Smart Girls.

You're Not Quite Like Your MOM, either. She does things in ALL CAPS.

grape ape said...

I feel that your mom traumatized you at an early age, and this is why you do the annoying caps thing.