Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Ahoy, Gaytey!

My Totally Awesome Boyfriend has developed A Crush on Orlando Bloom.

Now, I know most of you are thinking, “Oh, God. Here we go Again. She’s turned Another One Gay.” But, that is simply not the case! Trust me – Totally Awesome Boyfriend is Super Straight!! In fact, Totally Awesome Boyfriend isn’t even what one would describe as A Metrosexual. Sure, he Works Out A lot. But, he also wears Simple, Designer-less T-Shirts and Cargo Shorts most of the time, and A Gay Guy/Metrosexual would never be caught dead in Anything So Simple or Designer-less! In his shower, Totally Awesome Boyfriend keeps merely Soap. Okay, maybe you can make an argument that because Totally Awesome Boyfriend Has No Hair, he wouldn’t require any Fancy Hair Products, anyhow. But, his Daily Moisturizer is Jergens. He isn’t Fancy.

Sure, last week, he told me a story about how he has been Accidentally Opening His Car Door for His Male Friends when he goes out with them. His excuse is that He Always Does It For Me, and sometimes, he forgets Not To out of Habit. And then, he has volunteered Not Once – But Twice – to take photographs of a friend of his for An On-Line Dating Site. So, now Totally Awesome Boyfriend’s Digital Camera has like One Thousand Pictures of A Very Well-Dressed Man In Various Alluring Poses on it. Even I will admit, These Things do seem A Touch Gay,

So, last week, while we were watching our Netflixed Pirates of the Caribbean, when Totally Awesome Boyfriend announced, “Orlando Bloom is So Pretty!” I didn’t really raise an eyebrow.

“I think I once went out with A Barback/Musician who reminds me of Johnny Depp’s Pirate,” was what I replied, changing the subject. “He used to wear That Same Exact Outfit!”

Totally Awesome Boyfriend ignored me in an effort to defend himself. “ I know, The Daily Randi, that you think I just said something Very Gay, but it is just that Orlando Bloom looks like A Girl!” He stood up and walked over to the television set. “See!” he shouted, using his hands to block out Orlando Blooms Giant Five O’Clock Shadowed Face. “If you took away His Beard and Applied Some Makeup, he would be A Very Beautiful Woman!”

I sat up from my reclining position on the sofa. “Is this Your Way of telling me I Am Your Beard and You Want To Borrow Some Of My Makeup? “ I said, deadpan.

“No,” he quietly responded.

“Good. Now sit down, I am trying to watch A Movie about Very Manly Pirates. Pirates Rape and Pillage, you know! They can have Their Way with Anyone!”

As he sat back down, Defeated, he leaned over and whispered, “I know someone who I Want To Have My Way With Right Now…”

And, trust me, he didn’t mean Orlando Bloom.

Well, at least Not This Time he didn’t.

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