Monday, July 24, 2006

Airing Out

It's Unbearably Warm in My Apartment right now and yet it is Ten O’Clock At Night. The Thermostat on My Usually Sufficient And Efficient Living Room Window Fan currently reads, "79 Degrees," but when I came home from work, it read "92 Degrees." That meant it was 92 Degrees in My Apartment this afternoon. Ninety. Two. Fucking. Degrees. Oh. My. Devil.

Luckily, about two weekends ago, I invested in An Air Conditioner for My Bedroom Window. But, I will have you know, I have lived in Los Angeles for Nearly Seven Years and never once thought I ever Needed to purchase An Air Conditioner. This despite the fact that my utilities -- namely, water and electric -- are Included in the cost of my rent. No, I forgo Air Conditioning because really, I Never Thought I Wanted It. Unlike Back East, Summer Nights in California are relatively Cool. It is Never Humid. My Window Fans always let in A Refreshing Breeze. Air Conditioning was Never Necessary.

I should also mention that I Hate Air Conditioning, so That has Something To Do With It, too. I much prefer Fresh Air, and would prefer to Live In An Apartment or Drive In A Car with The Windows Open Wide. On the Rare Occasion when I find Air Conditioning In My Car A Must, I have a habit of Turning It On And Off. The Artificial Cool Drives Me Kooky.

But, about two weeks ago, it was So Freaking Hot In My Apartment, I Finally Broke Down and Broke Out My Bank Card for An Air Conditioner. I Lugged it Home from Home Depot all by myself, Screwed it all together and then realized I was Screwed when I placed it in my window and It Didn't Quite Fit. No Matter!! I decided it was Good Enough and turned it On anyway. Eventually, I Affixed Duct Tape and Cardboard to the Glaring Air Conditioner-less Window Space. Now, although My Living Room May Be A Hot Hell, My Bedroom is a Frozen Fortress!

And so, from Here On In, I intend to spend All Of My Free Time At Home in My Very Very Cold Bedroom! Well, except that There is Nothing To Do In There except Sleep. And Read. I don't have A Television or a DVD Player or A Stereo Hookup in My Bedroom. So, like, Sleeping and Reading is It. I have Slept and Read a lot these past few days. It is sort of like I Am Really Sick, just without The Annoying Cough, Sore Throat, or Hideous Headache. Sure, I still get The Chills, but it is in A Good Way. Not in an Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Die. Sort Of Way.

I can just step into The Hell I Call My Living Room for that sort of Torture.

4 comments:

Cherlee's said...

Wow you are very funny!! I really enjoyed reading your blog you know how to write. Great Blog! I'll be back!
Cherlee

Melanie said...

You should call the Totally Awesome Boyfriend to come over and visit your ice palace before the massive blackouts hit. In fact, now that I've typed that, I think I gotta find me a man with AC...

Michael said...

Funny. Last night i noted that my apt. is like a cheezy boy band -- 98 degrees.

Guess we are N Sync.

Crystal said...

You are hilarious, love your writing. Wow, your apartment was downright hot - glad your investment is paying off in this heat.