Monday, June 19, 2006

Special Weekday Greatest Hits: Cookies Dough, I Screams

Originally Published Friday, January 7, 2005

My Christmas Week Off was Pretty Bleak. I had Nothing Exciting Planned for myself, which was a Big Mistake. I am No Good at entertaining myself. When I am Bored, I tend to do very foolish things. Often, I decide to Try On All Of The Fabulous Clothes In My Closet, but then I get Too Tired to Hang Anything Back Up Again and my bedroom becomes a Disaster Area. Sometimes, I put All My Make-Up on at once, too. And there is No Need To Explain that Applying All My Make-Up On At Once, while I am wearing a Vintage Betsy Johnson Black Lace Negligee, can be Very Embarrassing when The UPS Man shows up. Or, Very Inviting, depending on your UPS Man. Basically, I get some Crazier Ideas than usual.

One night, just before Christmas, I was lounging on my hot pink sofa and I came up with The Most Wonderful Idea: I would make my house Smell like Fresh Baked Cookies! So, you can imagine My Disappointment when I went to The Ralphs and discovered that there were no Fresh Baked Cookie Scented Room Sprays. Nor did Air Wicke make one of those Fresh Baked Cookie Scented Plug-In Things that you can stick into your wall. As I stood in the Room Deodorizing Aisle, contemplating what I Should Do About The Matter, The Most More Wonderful Idea Ever occurred to me: I shall just have to Bake Fresh Cookies! Surely, The Scent of The Warming Cookie Dough In My Oven would smell A Lot Like Fresh Baked Cookies! Thus, I marched straight to The Cookie Dough aisle and picked up a package of Nestle Christmas Cookie Dough. And, since it was Buy One Get One Free, I got Two, just in case The Scent Was That Delightful.

I may have had a Brilliant Plan, but I neglected to think about What I Was Going To Do With The Delicious Smelling Cookies I was inevitably going to be Left With after I Scented My House. That's why, when I was finished baking My First Batch, I started to Eat Them. Did you know that Fresh Baked Cookies not only Smell Delicious, but Taste Delicious, too? After My Sixth Cookie, I realized I was going to have to Take Some Serious Action, so I Dumped All The Remaining Cookies down The Garbage Disposal.

If that wasn't Troubling Enough, The Following Day, I did it All Over Again. This time, I was Confident that I was going to be able to Bake The Cookies, Fill My House With Their Delicious And Festive Scent, and then Give Them Away, sans Eating Them Myself. I opened up my Get One Free package of Raw Cookie Dough, stuck it in the oven for Fresh Baking Smell, devoured Six or Seven Cookies, okay, it was Eight. I ate Eight Cookies, No, Nine. Or So. Nine, or So. I got Really Mad at myself for being Stupid Enough To Fall for those Evil, Evil, Yet Delicious Cookies Two Nights In A Row when all I really Set Out To Do was to Fill My Apartment with The Festive And Delicious Scent Of Fresh Baked Cookies, not The Festive And Delicious Cookies themselves. So, once again, I had No Choice but to promptly Dump those Stupid, Yet Delicious And Festive, Cookies down My Garbage Disposal.

I felt Guilty for a minute, because I know it was Christmas and there are Homeless People out there and Homeless People Really Like Cookies, especially around The Holidays. But not quite as Guilty as I felt about eating Seventeen to Twenty-Two Delicious, Festive, Homemade, Still Warm From The Oven, Cookies in Less Than Two Days. And I figure, Throwing Them Down The Garbage Disposal was No Worse than what I Would Have Done if I had Eaten All Of Them, which was Throw Them All Up In The Toilet. It was essentially just an Exercise in Baking and Self-Control, minus The Eating Disorder Support Group.

Don't Worry, though, because I Paid The Price. After all, I was Stuck For Days with An Apartment Full Of The Fresh Baked Cookie Scent I set out To Create. Yet now, I was Completely Grossed Out by The Idea Of Cookies Of Any Sort, and Their Formally Delicious, Festive, Fresh Baked Scent. Cookies were Ruined For Me Forever.

Well, Ruined until at least Next Christmas.


Michael said...

Still, cookie aroma sounds like a good antidote for the next time I overdo it with the garlic ;)

Randi said...


I will try my best to supply you with Fresh Cookie Aroma, the next time you Turn On My Oven.