Tanning Disorders

A few nights ago, while I was watching Television, I saw a commercial for An Upcoming News Special Report. Typical of these sorts of news items, Doom Music played in the background. Then, An Announcer's Voice said, "Coming up at 11pm: Compulsive Tanners. Men and Women who can't get enough of their self-tanner. Are you A Tanorexic?? Stay Tuned!"

Immediately, I sat up on my sofa, keeping my arm two feet away from my nose so I would not have endure The Awful Odor emitted by my tanning moisturizing lotion, as is Habit.

"OHMYGOD!" I thought. "I am A Total Tanorexic!"

Since my move to Los Angeles nearly seven years ago, I have found myself increasingly obsessed with Looking and Feeling Tan. During the summer, I am infamous for Sneaking Into Hip Hotels and Going Swimming. Or, well, Tanning. On any given summer weekend, or free summer weekday, you can find me in The Latest Shoshanna Bikini, Cocktail in hand, Sun Block applied sparingly, lounging on A Trendy Hotel Chaise. Each year, I befriend The Pool Bar Bartenders in a variety of lovely hotel pool settings so that, should Security come traipsing through, I am quickly given A Signal to approach the bar and obtain A Fake Room Key. After The Security Scare, The Bartenders gift me with Free Drinks and I Tip Them Generously. Sometimes, I even call my friends up to Join Me and we all pretend we are On Vacation!

I also cannot seem to live without Those Spray On Tan Booths, known as Mystic Tans. Although, once I got A Fake Bake from one of those things and my face turned Hideously Orange. And then, last week, some of The Barrier Cream you are supposed to apply to your hands and feet so that they do not get all brown and crusty Accidentally Dripped Onto My Mid-Section, leaving Weird Tan-less Spots all over my stomach. Either that or Something Inside Me may be trying to Send A Message to The Outside World, just like in The Exorcist. I have tried to make out The Message, but all I can decipher is "STOP THE FAKE TA---" And then, it is all Scribble-Scrabble. Who knows what The Something is trying to say? Clearly, It has Rotten Penmanship.

When I can't schedule A Mystic Tan, I rely on That Jergens Body Glow Lotion Stuff, which has the added benefit of making my skin All Soft And Sparkly! And, unfortunately, Very Smelly. I own Lots Of Mac Bronzer, too.

I am not sure why I Require A Tan all the time. I am convinced it makes me look Younger. And Thinner. And, maybe somewhere deep within, I harbor the notion that All People Who Live In Southern California Should Be Tan. But, to be perfectly honest, I think The Real Culprit is My Early Adoration Of Malibu Barbie. She was Forever Tan! Malibu Barbie made Tanorexia seem like An Okay Lifestyle Choice! And, appear Glamorous! She drove A Fabulous Pink Convertible Car! But, Best Of All -- Malibu Barbie had No Tan Lines!! Malibu Barbie is A Horrible Role Model for Tanorexics everywhere!!

Of course, in the News Report, there was nary a mention of Malibu Barbie. I suspect Mattel may be a corporate sponsor of the television station. Or, maybe, they just couldn't obtain An Interview with her. Back in The Early 90's, I would bet anything that the Horrendous Odor of Malibu Barbie's Self-Tanner may have made her drive That Stupid Car off a Malibu Hillside and She Was Never Heard From Ever Ever Again.