Monday, May 22, 2006

Scene From A Trendy Los Angeles Mall/Paradise

TIME: Present day.
SETTING: Crate and Barrel, Trendy Los Angeles Mall/Paradise
CHARACTERS:
THE DAILY RANDI: Female, Hip, Thirty-Something on Anti-Spiritual Quest for Happiness.
CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Male, Apron-Donning, Twenty-Something. Five dollars shy of Daily Sales Quota.

(THE DAILY RANDI enters store. She walks to the back, where they sell the wine glasses. She stares at the display. CRATE AND BARREL CLERK approaches her.)

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Can I help you?

THE DAILY RANDI: Oh. Hi. Yeah. (A beat. THE DAILY RANDI looks back at the wine glasses.) Where are the bath mats?

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK:Bath mats? Um....sure. They are over in the bath mat area. Over near the front of the store. Here, follow me. I will be happy to show you.

(THE DAILY RANDI follows CRATE AND BARREL CLERK to front of the store.)

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: We have these mats here. (CRATE AND BARREL CLERK gestures at the mats folded neatly on shelves in front of them.) And, over here. (CRATE AND BARREL CLERK walks over to another shelf to their right and gestures to another shelf. He picks a mat off of the shelf and proceeds to carefully refold it.)

THE DAILY RANDI: Great. Thank you. This is just what I was looking for.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Glad I could be of help. Let me know if there is anything else I can get for you. (He finishes his folding and walks away. THE DAILY RANDI watches him leave. She hesitates. But, then she proceeds to march right back to the wine glasses where she was standing and staring earlier. After a moment, she picks up a glass and heads towards the counter where the CRATE AND BARREL CLERK is presently working.)

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: (Extending his arms as if to help place something on his counter.) Find a great bath mat?

THE DAILY RANDI: No. I mean, Yes. Yes. Your bath mats are Exquisite. Top Of The Line. Very Soft. But, um, that is not what I really need. What I really need is This. (She takes the wine glass and places it on the counter.)

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Oh. Okay. (He takes out tissue for wrapping.)

THE DAILY RANDI: NOOO. No. No, I don't want to buy that glass.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: No?

THE DAILY RANDI: No. I can't buy it. See, I live by myself and I used to own Two Wine Glasses because I read somewhere that it was Bad Luck to Only Own One. I thought it meant that I would be Single forever. But, then a few weeks ago, I broke a glass and I decided Fuck It! I Am Not Buying Another One! Eff You, Feng Shui! I am going to do The Exact Opposite of Feng Shui! Ha! And I developed Anti-Feng Shui. That's what I practice now: Anti-Feng Shui. And, um, it seems to be Working.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: You aren't single any more?

THE DAILY RANDI: No. I am Still Single. But, I met a Totally Awesome New Boy and I feel it may be a direct result of My Anti-Feng Shui Practice.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Okay....

THE DAILY RANDI: But, I do need Another Wine Glass. I mean, who only has One Wine Glass?

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Nobody I know! Um...Do you know you Sometimes Talk In Capital Letters?

THE DAILY RANDI: Yes. That is not The Point, though. You are going to get me off on A Tangent.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Oh. So sorry.

THE DAILY RANDI: No prob. Listen, My Point is I need to Register For This Glass.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: You want to start a registry? For A $3.95 Wine Glass?

THE DAILY RANDI: Yes.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: It's $3.95.

THE DAILY RANDI: I know. That is not The Point.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Um, what is the point again?

THE DAILY RANDI: The Point is that I can't buy the glass for myself. But I can own another wine glass if Someone Buys It For Me. Then, The Feng Shui Curse Is Broken! That is part of Anti-Feng Shui, you see. It is sort of like Cinderella's Glass Slipper. Except, this is The Daily Randi's Glass Glass. But, no one knows Exactly The One I Want. So, if I Register For It, it takes the guesswork out of choosing The Exact Glass.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Okay...Unfortunately, I don't think we are able to start a registry for a single wine glass, though.

THE DAILY RANDI: But, I Need This Glass.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Well, then I would suggest Telling People About It. Maybe show them a picture. Like This:
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
And tell them they can find it at Crate and Barrel and it is called The Natalie Balloon Wine Glass.

THE DAILY RANDI: (Sighing.) Fine. But, Your Policy Sucks.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: I am Sorry You Feel That Way. You could register for Some Other Things you need. Like, A Bath Mat.

THE DAILY RANDI: I don't really need A Bath Mat, though. I need This Photobucket - Video and Image HostingWine Glass.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Yeah. I Understand.....So Sorry....

THE DAILY RANDI: Now You are Speaking In Capital Letters.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: I Am?

THE DAILY RANDI: Yup.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Shit.

THE DAILY RANDI: Yeah, I Know. (She stares at The Wine Glass.Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting) Shit.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Well, Have A Good Night. And Good Luck with The Anti-Feng Shui Campaign. (He gingerly takes the wine glass off the counter and places it to the side.) I hope someone buys you This Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Wine Glass.

THE DAILY RANDI Thank You. Someone Will.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Oh, I Believe You.

THE DAILY RANDI: Good.

CRATE AND BARREL CLERK: Good.

THE DAILY RANDI: Yeah, Good. Well, Okay. Bye.

(THE DAILY RANDI proceeds to exit the store.....But just before she leaves she stops at The Bath Mat Area. She reaches up to a shelf and pulls several mats off and onto the floor. They scatter and unfold.)

THE DAILY RANDI: (Muttering.) Eff You, Feng Shui! (Smiling, she quickly sneaks out of the store.)

THE END.

5 comments:

Dave said...

Sweet

Grins said...

Oh too funny. Tooooo funny.

Cat said...

Daily Randi, I will totally buy you the wine glass to end your curse if you will send some Cute Boy Karma my way!

Crate Cares said...

You must have been at Pottery Barn - Crate associates aren't that rude and you CAN start a registry with just a single item...

The Daily Randi said...

Dear "Crate Cares":

Crate and Barrel Associates apparently do not have A Sense Of Humor, though, as is exhibited by your curious comment.

I do hope "Pottery Barn Believes" comments next!