Saturday, May 13, 2006

Special Weekend Bonus Greatest Hits: Keys To MOM'S Heart

Originally published April 7, 2005

Yesterday afternoon, My MOM called to tell me she got Dumped By Her Boyfriend earlier in the day. Apparently, she stayed at his place the night before and went home to her condo, which is, coincidentally, across the street from his house. When she entered her house, she saw the answering machine Flashing. She Checked Her Messages and discovered that Her Boyfriend had just left her A Recording. He said, "We are Splitting Up. Come get your things and leave your keys. And don't be A Cry Baby."

When My MOM told me the story, she was Calm and Seemingly Jovial about The Whole Thing. Sure, she was Annoyed that Her 57-Year-Old Boyfriend of Six Whole Months had elected to Break Up With Her Via Voice Mail while she was Crossing The Street upon Leaving His Apartment. But, she told me that Secretly he had been Very Abusive and Obnoxious and once He Stole The Key To His Place That He Had Given Her Off Her Key Chain and told her when She Noticed It Missing that She Must Have Lost It so she simply Stole The Same Key Off His Key Chain and Snuck Out Of His Apartment and Made Five New Copies At Home Depot and she still is Quite Suspicious because Each Key Subsequently Disappeared but all the rest of her keys were Still On The Chain and it is not like Keys Just Get Up And Leave so he must have Stolen All The Keys, Oh and he got Really Mad at her when she Googled "Penis Enlargement Pumps" and E-Mailed It To Him but she was only trying to be Supportive and Loving because after all it would have Affected Her, Too, should He Ever actually Get The Pump Like He Promised but He Never Kept Promises because he was A Big Fat Liar with A Really Small Penis and also, she forgot to mention that He Cheated On Her While She Was Visiting Me and he thought it was Funny. And so, she told me, "GOOD RIDDANCE! HE WAS SUCH A CREEP!"

Well, that is what My MOM told Me. Apparently, after she finished Our Conversation, she Immediately phoned My Easily Annoyed Sister and, Sobbing Hysterically, told her that She Didn't Think She Could Live Without Her Boyfriend and she is hoping that Her Friend Nancy, who Set Them Up in The First Place, will Call Him and Convince Him to Take Her Back or at least Still Be Friends With Her So That She Can Go To Breakfast With Him Occasionally because If He Doesn't, she will Probably Die Old and Alone and it is not like Her Daughters were Ever Going To Take Care Of Her because they were Way Too Selfish to do that, after all they Moved Far Away and were Probably Never Going To Give Her Grandchildren and she was going to Perish, All Alone, without any Grandchildren To Worry About Her and Visit Her In Her Deathbed, like The Pilgrims Did With That Nice Pope, and Death was definitely Going To Be Sooner, Rather Than Later because now She Was Single Again.

Hopefully, My MOM will Work Things Out, although My Easily Annoyed Sister and I can barely piece together Exactly What She Is Upset About. But, this much We Have Figured Out:

If you Secretly make copies of The Keys To Your Boyfriend's Condo and Send Him "Helpful" Information regarding His Diminished Male Genitalia, you better Make Sure you have Grandchildren First.

3 comments:

Grins said...

OK the lesson learned is hysterical. The things she told you both were hard to follow but I'm imagining so was she at the time.

Michael said...

Funny.
I'm glad the moral isn't: Get pumped or get dumped.

The Daily Randi said...

Oh... They are Back Together now, and have been for Over A Year. And as far as I know, My MOM is still Secretly Sneaking Out To Make Keys At Home Depot at least Once A Week.

And, the rest of The Story is still Quite Confusing.

And He has still not invested in The Pump.

And yet, No Dumping.

So, you are In Luck, Michael. ;)