Sunday, May 07, 2006

Special Weekend Bonus Greatest Hits Part II: Five Simple Ways

Originally published October 8, 2003

When The Boy From Ohio that you went out with last week, had A Great Time With, and with whom you Agreed that you wanted to Do It Again, still Has Not Called You to Do It Again as Previously Agreed Upon, I advise you to Distract Yourself. Here are Some Tips!

1. Go for A Nice Long Walk. Nothing soothes the soul like Fresh Air and Exercise. Plus, it is good for you!

2. Sit in A Cafe and Read A Book! I Highly Recommend, How To Meet Cute Boys by Deanna Kizis. No, it is not A How-To. I Wish. But, it is A Very Funny Novel about A Single Woman Living In Los Angeles. If you Like My Column, you would enjoy This Chick-Lit Read. By the way, I think she is ripping me off. Where is My Book?

3. Vote. I was lucky enough to have An Election To Vote In Today, but if you do not, I would advise you to Call Up All Of Your Friends and Take A Poll As To Whether Or Not They Think You Are A Total Screw Up When It Comes To First Dates. Tally the results.

4. Go Out To Dinner With A Friend! I have A Good Friend who seems to Always Be Taking Me Out When A Boy Has Not Called. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but We Seem To Go Out A LOT.

5. Definitely, under no circumstances, should you ever ever ever Go To The Virgin Megastore and Pick Up Barback/Musician's New Big CD which dropped today and then Go Home and Listen To Music Recorded On Said New Big CD, which is Depressing Enough on its own, but Even More Depressing when you recall how you Kissed The Keyboardist and then Got Really Drunk At Work And Professed Your Undying Love To Him and Single-Handedly Destroyed The (Imaginary) Relationship almost a year ago and now you are Left To Cry Over The Credits For Him In The Liner Notes and The Tinkling Of His Recorded Piano Music On Tracks 4, 5, and Particularly Track 8, and maybe if You Hadn't Gotten Inebriated With Everyone Else That Night At Work, Barback/Musician would Be Your Boyfriend! And you would not Be Crying Now, ten million guys later about How You Definitely Didn't Get Drunk And Say Stupid Things To The Boy From Ohio and about How Funny Would It Be If Every Boy You Have Dated This Past Year Released An Album And You Had To Buy It And Listen To It And Then Cry Over Their Tiny, Yet Totally Hot Picture In The Liner Notes. Come to think of it, I used to Cry over The Tiny, Yet Totally Cute Pictures of Shaun Cassidy in His Album's Liner Notes. So Nothing has really Changed. I Have Not Grown. Not One Tiny, Yet Totally Useful Bit. I may, in fact, Be Shrinking.

1 comment:

Michael said...

Guys from Ohio are stupid.
Why oh why oh did they ever leave Ohio? To disappoint Randi? Pfft. They deserve to stay in the Buckeye state.