Friday, April 14, 2006

Why Is This Holiday Alone Different From All Other Holidays Alone?

This morning, A Fellow Teacher approached me in the school hallway. "Oh, Miss The Daily Randi! I wanted to tell you -- I went to My First Passover Seder last night! It was quite interesting. I thought of You!"

After politely discussing the woman's experience, I watched her walk towards her classroom and hoped she could not tell How Frustrated And Hurt I Was. Every year it seems, People Who Are Not Jewish regale me with tales of “First Passover Seders.” And, yet, I Am Jewish and Have Not Been Included In A Seder in years.

The thing is, I would Do Anything to go to A Passover Seder! Passover, in fact, is one of My Very Favorite Holidays, right after Thanksgiving, St. Patrick’s Day, My Birthday, July 4th, Halloween, Flag Day, and Cinco De Mayo! Besides, I am An Excellent Cocktail Party Guest, so I assume that would mean I would Do Well At A Dinner Party and Passover is basically One Big Jewish Dinner Party! I would be Very Polite and read from the Haggadah Slowly and Clearly and Not Once Complain that I Was Hungry and Really Wanted To Eat Already This Reading Thing Is Taking Way Too Long Please Pass The Wine. I make a Wonderful Charoses, which is one of the Few Things I Know How To Cook. And I have personally developed A Delicious Low Fat Morning Matzo Brie, should I get Lucky With Any Of The Guests And Find Myself Spending The Night. Additionally, I have A Lovely Singing Voice and am told I perform An Excellent Rendition of The Four Questions. In fact, My Grandfather always requested that I Read Them, rather than The Youngest At The Dinner Table, which Easily Annoyed The Youngest At The Dinner Table, Easily Annoyed Sister. Finally, I always know where The Best Places to Hide and/or Seek Out The Afikomen! (I am good with Hanukkah Presents this way, too.) Oh! And, I know how to Knit A Seder Plate! Come on! Haven’t you ever seen A Seder Plate Created Entirely Out Of Yarn?? You would figure That Special Skill alone should get me invited to Many A Seder. But, alas, It Has Not.

Part of the problem, I figure, is that I Moved 3000 Miles Away From My Family. But, even if I lived near My MOM, she has not included me in Any Of Her Holiday Plans for years, preferring to spend the time with Her Hideous Boyfriend And His Hideous Family instead. More importantly, I think The Real Issue is that I Don't Have Any Jewish Friends. Well, aside, of course, from The Awful Boys I Have Met On J-Date. See, I grew up in A Very Small Town where everyone was Catholic and The Local Church was The Center Of Activity. Easily Annoyed Sister played softball for the CYO. I frequently attended Church Dances. The Priests all knew My Name, just as they would Any Other Members Of The Parish. If Easily Annoyed Sister or I slept over at a friend's house on A Saturday Night, the next morning, We Accompanied Them To Church because that is what everyone did on Sunday Mornings in our town. Of course, we would Never Participate In The Mass. Well, once Easily Annoyed Sister took Communion by mistake. But she claims to have Spit The Wafer Right Out once Father Mike reprimanded her. Nevertheless, we knew We Were Jewish and we went to A Jewish Nursery School and Attended Hebrew School and We Never Had A Christmas Tree and We Were Both Bat Mitzvahed. It should be interesting to note, Easily Annoyed Sister and I And I were The Only Jewish Kids at our respective Bat Mitzvahs. The Nearest Synagogue was 45 minutes away. And, that is where The Nearest Jews were, as well.

As an Adult, living in A Major City -- Chock Full O’ Jews, mind you -- I Don't Have Any Excuses for Not Having Jewish Friends. I want Jewish Babies and I try dating Jewish Boys. But, I also know that I sometimes feel Much More Comfortable around People Who Aren’t Jewish. In some ways, I seem to have More In Common With Them.

Of course, Being Single anytime A Holiday Comes Around -- whether it be Passover or Thanksgiving or New Year's Day or Cinco De Mayo – can be A Drag. Single People are always Left Out, I assume because if We Were Included then there would be An Odd Number Of Seats At The Dinner Table and It Would Look Bad. One of the things I always look for in A Potential Boyfriend is that He May Have A Family That Would Include Me In All The Family Things I Never Get To Participate In due to My Personal Lack Of Family and Personal Lack Of Participatory Family Things. This year, one of the teachers I work with Did Invite Me To Thanksgiving Dinner, which was Quite Nice. And, ironically, every year, I am usually Inundated with Invitations For Christmas Dinner. But, naturally, I teach in A Catholic School, so, well, there are No Invitations For Passover. Well, not For Me, at least. Apparently, the Catholics are attending Seders in Droves.

In the midst of the Passover Ceremony, Jews traditionally promise, "Next Year In Jerusalem!" meaning that we wish to be able to Celebrate The Holiday In The Holy Land in the future.

I always just wish, "Next Year At A Seder.” Anywhere Will Do.

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