Special Weekend Bonus Greatest Hits: HyperEdition!

Originally Published January 24, 2003

About two weeks ago, Barback/Musician called me, “Hyper.” In all fairness, I had just turned to him after A Crazed Monologue of sorts, rattling on and on about How I Was Feeling Kooky and Wanted To Do Something Nutty. We were on The Freeway, stuck in traffic, and I was driving. So, he was A Captive Audience of sorts. After I realized I was doing All The Talking, I lightheartedly turned to him and said, “You think I am Whacked, don’t you?” Barback/Musician just inhaled deeply on his cigarette. He was Thinking. After exhaling, he finally responded, “No.” We continued driving in silence. And then, he added, “Although, I do think you are Hyper.” Just like that.

Naturally, I got A Bit Angry, and said in the most Hyperexcited way, “What? Hyper!!?? What do you mean, Hyper??!! But, all he said, after another long, quiet extended drawl on his Marlboro Red was, ”Hyper.” He shot me a look. “Just Hyper.”

Now, when A Boy I Really Really Like Describes Me In A Way That Seems Like He May Hate Me And/Or I Drive Him Crazy, I need to get to The Bottom Of It. So, I Hyperinquired everyone I knew.

“Am I Hyper? I mean, would you describe me as Hyper? Do I seem Hyper?” I questioned.

Some people said, “No.”

But Most answered, “Yes. Absolutely, Yes. You are Totally Hyper.”

“Hyperactive??” I countered, exasperated. “Do you really think I am, Hyperactive? Because I am So Not Hyperactive at all!”

Now I was Irate.

“I can Sit Still for Long Periods of time!” I continued. “In fact, in fact, IN FACT: I am Quite Patient! I can even Sit And Read A Book! And, I don’t hardly ever usually most of the time Twiddle My Thumbs! My Thumbs can remain Perfectly Calm! Sure, sometimes, I don’t like waiting for a table in a restaurant. But if you get me A Cocktail, I am A-OK. So, I can’t possibly be Hyperactive! I am not, Not, NOT Hyperactive!!”

“No,” everyone agreed. “Not Hyperactive. Just Hyper.”

So, Hypernaturally, I had to look up The Exact Definition of “Hyper” in The Dictionary. According to Webster’s II New Riverside Dictionary, “Hyper” is defined as

1. Over: above
2. Excessive: excessively.

And most importantly – it is Not A Word at all but A Prefix! In fact, following The Definition is a List Of Words That Hyper May Be Placed Before! Active is just one of the words! I do not think Barback/Musician meant Hyperactive at all. Instead, he might have meant:

Hyperaccurate
Hyperhot
Hyperadorable
Hyperalert
Hypersmart
Hypercivilized
Hyperdeveloped
Hyperemotional
Hyperfeminine
or
Hyperpatriotic

But, after perusing the possibilities, I have decided Barback/Musician could only have meant Hyperlovable.

He just picked a Hyperawkward moment to tell me.