Tuesday, April 18, 2006

A Tisket A Tasket, My Easily Annoyed Sister Not Near My Basket

Late Thursday Evening, I was standing in an aisle of My Local Divey Yet Trendy Hollywood Grocery Store. As I had successfully managed to Eat All The Food That Was In My Cupboard while I was Broke, I had finally Gotten Paid and it was Time For Cupboard Replenishment. The Shopping List was Long: Milk, Bread, Bagels, Fruit, Veggies, Shampoo, Margarine, Those 100 Calorie Flavor Blasted Goldfish Thingies I Adore, Something Easy/Inexpensive/Low Fat To Make/Defrost/Nuke For Dinner, A New Can Of Hearts Of Palm -- I was going to be at the store all night long.

Slowly but surely, I pushed my cart up and down each aisle, perusing for purchases. At the end of my list, I read, "Sandwich Bags." So, I found myself staring at Sandwich Bags, pricing out the Sandwich Bags which would be The Biggest Bang For My Buck, just in case I Bought Shoes I Cannot Afford Again and had to Live Solely On My Cupboard Wares. (Sample Dialogue In My Head: "I can get This Box, which contains 100 Zipper Sealed Sandwich Bags, for $2.99 if I Use My Local Divey Yet Trendy Hollywood Grocery Store's Discount Card! That is A Savings Of 63 Cents! Then, I shall certainly be able to afford those $778 Chloe Platform Sandals I Covet!") Suddenly, My Easily Annoyed Sister’s P-Whipped Boyfriend, carrying a Basket Of Groceries and seemingly On The Lam, approached me.

"I want you to know, I am Here because I am Not The One Ignoring You!" he panted. I watched as he backed up a few steps and scanned the other shoppers, pushing carts behind him. He tiptoed forward. "Okay??!!"

"Um...Okay?" I responded, slightly unsettled. "Uhhhhm.... Is Easily Annoyed Sister here, too?"

"YES!" he whispered. "But, I don't want her to see me Talking To You!" Immediately upon stating this, P-Whipped Boyfriend ducked behind a tall tower of Sale-Priced Paper Towels.

I should probably explain at this point that Easily Annoyed Sister and I are Not Speaking. In fact, we have Not Spoken since Four Days Before Thanksgiving. We go through these Not Speaking Phases every so often. The last one lasted Over A Year and was due, according to Easily Annoyed Sister, to My Constantly Annoying Her. The Cause of This Particular Not Speaking Phase is Up For Debate. But, I would argue it has Something To Do with My Obtaining The 3D Glasses for That Special Episode of The Television Show, Medium, back in November and then My Refusal To Surrender Them To Easily Annoyed Sister because She Never Called To Say She Was Going To Come And Get Them even though She Had All Weekend and then When She Did Call, on The Night Of The Show, It Was Too Late On A School Night and I Wasn't Going To Give Them To Her and She Got All Annoyed, as Easily Annoyed Sisters Are Wont To Do, but She Came Over To Get The 3D Glasses Anyway, Sans Calling First and When I Do That To Her, She Gets Really Annoyed so when I opened the door, I told her that She Can't Just Show Up At My Apartment And Knock On My Door like she is UPS or The Manager Of My Building or A Really Cute Boy Just Driving By In The Middle Of The Night and this Annoyed Her Even Further so She Grabbed The 3D Glasses Out Of My Hands and I Was Furious so I Called Her On Her Cell Phone and told her I Was Never Going To Talk To Her Ever Ever Ever Again and Then The Next Day I Took Away Her MySpace Friendship Because I Thought, "That will show her I Mean Business!" And We Haven't Spoken, or been MySpace Friends, since.

Now, Easily Annoyed Sister's P-Whipped Boyfriend was talking to me in hushed, frantic tones from behind A Tower Of Paper Towels, at My Local Divey Yet Trendy Hollywood Grocery Store. I noticed his discarded basket was Blocking My Shopping Cart.

"I guess She Saw Me? She doesn't want to Say Hi?" I asked.

"No, she Can't Say Hi! She is Ignoring You!" he whispered from behind The Towel Tower. "She just ran up to me and said, 'My Stupid Sister is here!' And then she stuck these Sugar Free Cookies in my basket and I guess, well, I Don't Know Where She Went. But, um, She Can't Say Hi!"

"Oh," I said. "Okay." I noticed that Easily Annoyed Sister's P-Whipped Boyfriend had stood up and was now closely examining the cookies my sister had apparently thrown into his basket.

A moment passed before we said anything else to each other.

Finally, P-Whipped Boyfriend asked, "Do you think she wants me to buy these cookies for her?"

"Probably," I thought, shrugging my shoulders. "I am buying these." I held up My Container of Zipper Sealed Sandwich Bags.

"Oh, yeah. That's a Good Deal." he responded.

"Yeah," I said. "I think so, too."

Later, after I went home and unloaded My Groceries, I decided I would Attempt To Make Peace with My Easily Annoyed Sister. So, I logged into MySpace and Clicked On Her Profile and Asked Her To Be My MySpace Friend again. Alas, I am still “Pending Approval”.

In the meantime, I added her P-Whipped Boyfriend to My Top Eight, because just for Talking To Me, I have decided he must be On My Side. Which, I am sure, Really Easily Annoyed My Easily Annoyed Sister even further.

But, at least she still knows, I Mean Business.

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