Thursday, April 27, 2006

Dear Daily Randi: Leave Me Alone

It's Thursday and that means it is The Daily Randi Advice Day! Keep those e-mails coming and please remember, I have no idea what I am talking about........

Dear Daily Randi:

I am 22 and I Don't Ever Want To Get Married! You heard me: I shall remain Single Forever! I have been reading your column and you seem to be Really Good At Never Ever Having A Boyfriend!

My Question is This, The Daily Randi: I want to be Just Like You when I am Your age! Any Tips?

Why, Are You Crying? I Mean That As A Complement!

Dear Mean:

Yes, I seem to Have Mastered Remaining Single Forever, haven't I? Maybe this is A Marketable Skill! In fact, instead of Beating Myself Up about Not Having Found My Soul Mate, who I fear may have been mistakenly Ravaged In Hurricane Katrina, Swept Away By That Indian Tsunami Thing, or Seduced And Stolen by Angelina Jolie, I have decided to Accept My Fate for the Time Being. Well, at least until The Weekend. Then All Bets Are Off.

Of course, My Secret is that I Only Date Assholes. It’s A Technique I have nicknamed, “Date The A’s!” I go out with Men Who Only Want To Sleep With Me, Old Boyfriends Who I Already Know Will Never Work Out But I Go Out With Them Again And Again And Again And They Only Want To Sleep With Me, Men Who Are Married Or Have Girlfriends And They Only Want To Sleep With Me and, Men Who Are Unemployed, Live At Home With Their Parents But Have Tickets For Duran Duran And Only Want To Sleep With Me. I do A Lot Of Sleeping, these days.

I figure, This Methodology is really just An Advanced Version of My High School/College Plan, “Date The Gays!” The Goal was simply to Only Date Gay Men Before They Knew They Were Gay And Never Wanted To Sleep With Me, Gay Men Who Knew They Were Gay But Were Confused And Never Wanted To Sleep With Me, and Gay Men Who Knew They Were Gay, They Would Tell Everybody And Anybody, “Hey! I’m Gay!!!” but I elected to Remain In Denial despite the fact that They Never Wanted To Sleep With Me. At least those Boys were Nice. And Really Fun to Go Shopping with.

I figure, in a few years, I will have to move onto My New Method To Remain Single Forever: Men Who Just Fall Asleep. I call this one, “A Date? Yay!”

The Best Part Is That If You Never Get Married You Don’t Ever Have To Be Wrapped Up In A Toilet Paper Wedding Dress By Some Of Your Closest Work Acquaintances,
The Daily Randi


Anonymous said...

Ahh, I see the problem...

you haven't tried what we call dating Kato.

Randi said...

Dear Lawrence,

What is "dating Kato" ??????

I must know now!!

Desperate To Fix The Problem,
The Daily Randi