Special Weekend Bonus Greatest Hits: Serial Food Server

Originally published 5/22/03

So last night, I was having a Conversation with some Customers at The Restaurant Where I Work. They were a Very Nice Couple, visiting Los Angeles from Seattle. The Conversation started when I recommended the Lamb Sirloin, which is Quite Good, and The Woman told me that she does not like to eat Baby Animals. Since I had a good rapport with The Couple, I shared with them that I had Something In Common with The Woman, I don't like to eat Baby Humans. Then, The Woman's Husband, who was from Ireland, said he Can't Eat Beef because of Mad Cow Disease, and then I told them that they have Mad Cow Disease in Canada now and How Excited I was for the Country Of Canada, because that whole SARS thing seemed to have Cleared Up, and they needed a New Reason to be in The News. I personally think that Canada seeks publicity the way Madonna and J. Lo. do. Those two seem to think that as long as people are talking about them, it is good for their careers and Canada is following suit. Maybe Canada should make a Controversial New Video, or Get Married Over And Over Again and Grow A Huge Ass. But then, The Woman told me that up where they live, they have been hearing about a Serial Killer In British Columbia (Canada) and Canada has been in The News quite a lot. Apparently, she said, The Serial Killer has been on a Streak, murdering Prostitutes. I told her that I need to hear Something New, Serial Killers are always killing Prostitutes and it is So Last Season, just like Trucker Hats. Then I told them that I thought that the Best Reason Not To Be A Prostitute was that your chances of Being Murdered By A Serial Killer increased by like 75%. The Couple thought I should think about STDs and The Ethical Question of Whether It Is Okay To Take Money In Exchange For Sexual Favors and I thought about it for half a second, before I announced, No, the Threat Of Being Killed By A Serial Killer is really the Best Deterrent. That is what I tell myself every time I think about becoming A Whore: "Don't be A Whore, The Daily Randi, because you could Get Murdered, and by a Deranged Serial Killer, no less, and I know that is an Oxymoron, because aren't all Serial Killers Deranged? Are there any Sensible Serial Killers out there? So don't do it. Don't be A Whore." Later, I accidentally broke one of their Wine Glasses and so after that, every time I approached their table, I said, "Watch out! Here I come again and this time I have Steak Knives! Hide your Hookers, I'm A Killin'!"

By the way, they left me a Huge J. Lo. Ass Tip.