Yesterday, I received a message on My Space from A Man who is apparently Obsessed With Pantyhose. His profile page included a photograph of himself wearing A Bright Pink Pair, under A Long Evening Gown. In fact, His Top Eight Friends were all modeling Hose, as well. Remarkably, Crazy Pantyhose Loving Man wrote to tell me he Really Liked My Profile and thought that we may have A Lot In Common. I assumed he figured, I May Like Pantyhose, as well.
Naturally, I was completely taken aback! Why would A Man Who Is Obsessed With Pantyhose think that He and I would have Anything Remotely in common? Everyone knows -- Pantyhose Are Positively Passé!! I, for one, would Never Be Caught Dead in a pair! In fact, even if it was 100 Degrees Below Zero and My Legs were Transformed into Two Solid Rods Of Ice Extending From My Torso, I would never even think to wear A Pair Of Opaque Tights. Maybe -- just Maybe-- if I had The Perfect Marc Jacobs Dress and The Perfect Marc Jacobs Shoes and The Perfect Marc Jacobs Bag, I would consider finishing The Perfect Ensemble with The Perfect Marc Jacobs-Inspired Colored Stockings. But, only if I was 25 Years Old again. Or, Still Lived In Manhattan’s East Village. Or, was A Plastic Mannequin in the Window Display of Barneys New York. Otherwise, Been There, Done That.
Of course, I just adore Fishnet Stockings! I think The Little Garter-Thingies they attach to are Darling! But, even then, it has to be A Pretty Cold Night in Los Angeles for me to don The Fishies. Either that, or I have A Hot Date. Take it from me -- those Boys do Love It when you dress like A Whore, Circa 1940!
But, Pantyhose? Nude, Sheer, Suntan, Toe-Seamed, Control Top Pantyhose – Call them whatever you want, but I shall Never Ever Ever Wear Such Atrocities! So, Dear Poor Crazy Pantyhose Loving Man: You and I have Nothing In Common.
I will admit, though -- Your Gown is Just Breathtaking!