Tuesday, April 04, 2006


There is Nothing Worse than discovering Your Crush Of Two Years has Just Started Dating A Girl He Met On J-Date Three Weeks Ago And She Brought Him His Favorite Cookies. But, that is exactly what happened to me on Sunday Night.

On Wednesday, I will be reading some of my work in A Local Storytelling Forum. Coincidentally, A Really Cute Boy I had worked with in A Different Storytelling Forum, nearly two years ago, produces this program. When I noticed His Name attached to the show I am doing this week, I instantly recalled him. Mostly, because I thought he was Really Cute. So Cute, in fact, that I was Afraid To Talk To Him at the time. You know, like Eighth Grade/My So-Called Life Cute. Not only was he Really Cute, but he was also An Excellent, Funny Writer. And Jewish. Basically, he was Perfect. Sitting there, watching him read his piece during that rehearsal two years ago, I remember raking my brain, trying to think of Something, Anything, Just One Little Thing, Remotely Intelligent and Witty to say to him after we were all finished with our run-through. "Hey, I Really Liked Your Essay!" was all I could come up with. But, it seemed So Mundane. And so I said Nothing and The Moment passed.

Of course, at the time, I had just started dating My Dogfriend and had that to Fall Back On. But, I am not dating My Dogfriend any longer and I had High Hopes set on My Crush. In fact, I was Prepared To Pounce. So, before I left my house for Sunday evening's rehearsal, I stood in front of my mirror and debated for hours on How To Wear My Hair. Curly? Straight? Half Curly/Half Straight? Up? Down? Half Up/Half Down? Down/Curly won out. Well, Down With A Pony Tail Holder Around My Wrist just in case I Changed My Mind and felt like Wearing It Curly/Up. I Applied Lip Gloss. I Changed My Shoes. And, then, with Butterfly-Infused Excitement Growing deep within my stomach, I drove over to My Crush's Apartment, where we would be reading through our pieces in preparation for this week's performance.

Ugh. I was The First To Arrive. He offered me A Cookie, from a Well Known New York Bakery that just opened up a shop here in Los Angeles. I declined, and then I did my best to make Casual, Flirty, Small Talk about New York Bakeries while we waited for the rest of the participants to ring his bell. I recognized all The Tell-Tale Signs of My Nervousness: Talking Too Fast, Brushing Through Details, Seeming Not To be Interested Whatsoever In Anything He Said. "Why Can't You Ever Just Shut Up And Listen For Once, The Daily Randi?!" I shouted to myself. “You are always Screwing These Things up!”

A few minutes later, My Crush's Buddy arrived. "Have A Cookie!" he offered him, just as he had offered me.

"Are these The Cookies That The New Girl You Really Like And Have Just Started Dating Brought Over Last Night?" Suddenly, It was if I was Invisible and My Heart Stopped.

"Why, Yes! They Are!" My Crush said.

"Where did you meet her again?" his Good Buddy inquired.

"J-Date." My Crush replied.

They don't call them Crushes for nothing. Aching within, I knew I really just wanted to Cry. Of course, he had A Brand New Girlfriend because I have Terrible Timing. Of course, she brought him Cookies because she is Probably The Sweetest Girl On Earth. Of course he met her on J-Date because I Hate J-Date And Canceled My Subscription Months Ago When I Signed On One Day And Realized I Had Dated Every Guy Who Was Listed On The Home Page. Wait? Did I say Date? No, I mean Slept With. I Had Slept with Every Guy Who Was Listed On The Home Page because I am a Giant, Stupid, Single, Jewish Whore. Let's face it -- I would be The Most Popular Girl In The Shtetl for All The Wrong Reasons. But, I never saw My Crush listed on The J-Date Home Page. Figures.

As each participant arrived to our read-through, I had to sit and listen to My Crush offer them A Cookie and then recant Where He Got The Cookies And How Cute, Adorable, Loveable, Petite, and Generous His New J-Date-Discovered Girlfriend/Cookie Bringer Was, Again and Again. And Again. And… Again.

And, Again.

Have you ever had That Feeling that you Just Really Wanted To Cry? But, you don't want to Cry right then and there. No, instead, you know that you want to Leave and Get Into Your Car and Drive Home and then as soon as you Get Home and Shut The Door To Your Silly One Bedroom Apartment that you Share With No One Because You Have No One To Share It With Because You May Be A Giant, Stupid, Single, Unlovable J-Date Whore And You Are Not Allowed To Have A Dog In Your Building, you are going to Lose It and Just Bawl. Have you ever felt That Feeling? Because that is Exactly what I felt Right Then And There.

"Are you sure you don't want A Cookie?" asked My Crush of me once more, just as we were about to begin our rehearsal.

"Oh. I Am Sure. Thank you." I politely replied. I knew I had to say No To The Cookie. Mostly because I knew if I Had A Cookie, I might just Lose My Cookies.

And I wanted to Wait Until I Was Home to do That.

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