Wednesday, April 05, 2006

All The News That Is Fit To Cry Over On Sunday Mornings

I think I may have to Cancel My Sunday New York Times Subscription because I Can't Stop Sobbing Over It.

Many of my readers know, I am originally from New York. Reading The New York Times every day was A Ritual to me. Actually, reading The New York Times and reading The New York Post every day was A Ritual to me. I enjoyed each paper's distinctive perspective and opposing point of views. The Times had The Crossword Puzzle, which I used to do religiously Monday through Wednesday. The Post had The Comics and Page Six, which I used to do religiously Monday through Saturday. Sunday always belonged to The Times.

When I moved to Los Angeles nearly seven years ago, I found I could not assimilate when it came to reading the city's newspaper offerings, even if the Los Angeles Times' Sunday Edition did come with a Target Circular and for once in my life, I Actually Lived Near A Target. So, on Sundays, I get Home Delivery of The New York Times. Every Sunday Morning, I make A Fresh Pot Of Dark, Strong Coffee, prepare A (Low-Carb) Bagel With Cream Cheese And Lox (Spread), and I hurry to my front door to seek out The Blue Plastic Bag encapsulating My Much Coveted New York Paper.

Immediately upon unwrapping the item, I seek out My Very Favorite Section: Styles. Quite controversial when the Times added The Styles Section nearly ten years ago because some did not believe it should be included as News That Was Fit To Print, this section of the paper contains All I Love About Life! What Are Upper West Siders Wearing On The Street, you ask? Styles Knows! What Is The Cocktail Of Choice In That Bar No One Can Get Into, Mostly Because They Can't Find It, Hidden All The Way In The Back Of A Deli? Styles Will Tell You! Which East Village Building Full Of Hipsters Most Resembles A Reality Show Currently In Development By Said Hipsters? Remarkably, Styles Knows This, Too! Styles Knows All.

Of course, My Favorite Part of Styles has Absolutely Nothing to do with Fashion or Hidden Bars or Hipsters- With-An –Excellent- Publicist-Filled Buildings. No, My Favorite Part of Styles is all the way in the back -- it is The Weddings Section. And, see, this is where My Problem Looms. I Adooooore The Wedding Section of The New York Times. I have read it Ever Since I Can Remember! I love looking at All The Photographs Of The New Couples And Reading Their Announcements. They are all So Happy and Smart and they all went to Ivy League Schools and their parents are all CEOs and they all met in The Most Adorable Ways! "The Couple met at A Downtown Dinner Party hosted by a mutual acquaintance who is the famous artist." Or, "The Couple met on An Archeological Dig off the coast of Africa, sponsored by the bridegroom’s family." And, "The Couple met when they Shared A Cab one rainy New York Night." You almost never read, "The Couple met On-Line, via J-Date." Mostly because I guess, Just-Married Couples Who Are Listed in The Wedding Section of The New York Times don't Meet On-Line. And, No One Really Ever Meets Via J-Date.

As I mentioned, I have been reading The Wedding Section of The New York Times Forever, sans incident. Lately, however, I find that I will sit down to read it and then, well, I start Bawling My Eyes Out! I will get only about One Or Two Announcements In before Heavy-Duty Tears Start Streaming Down My Face At A Furious Pace, Snot Begins To Accumulate In My Nostrils, Dripping Into My Coffee Cup, And I Begin To Hyperventilate. I just Can't Stand All The Stupid Happy Couples and Their Stupid Dinner Parties! Who the hell even has A Dinner Party these days?? I thought Dinner Parties only happened in The Movies! I want to go to A Dinner Party! I have Never Ever, Been Invited To A Stupid Dinner Party! I have also Never Ever Been On An Archeological Dig! I have, however, Shared A Cab One Rainy New York Night, but it was just with A Group Of Friendly Gay Guys. See? I Can't Even Attract Straight Men Into My Cabs On Rainy Nights! This can be the Only Explanation for why I am 36 and Still Single -- And, This -- All Of This -- Makes Me Want To Cry.

And, so, in lieu of being invited to more Phantom Dinner Parties and Archeological Digs, I think I need to Cancel My Sunday New York Times Delivery. Sure, I will miss finding out where The Hipsters Go To Party When They Live In A Converted Loft Near Flushing Meadow. But, I hardly ever go to Flushing Meadow these days, being that I now live in Los Angeles, so it shouldn't really affect me all that much.

These days, I spend an awful lot more time Shopping At Target. So, That Circular should Come In Handy. And, who knows - Maybe Mr. Right shops there, as well. Although, My Luck, he will Probably Be Gay.

But, here’s hoping he will throw The Most Fabulous Dinner Parties.

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