Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Totally Painal

I have A Pain In My Ass.

No, I am not talking about The Cutest Boy Ever. Nor am I referring to Easily Annoyed Sister. I actually have A Real, Genuine Pain In My Ass. It is no joke.

Just to be sure, The Pain is not in My Asshole. It is in My Ass. Well, it is My Tailbone, to be precise. The scientific word for Tailbone is "Coccyx," but whenever I say "Coccyx" I begin to giggle. Naming a Bone, that has something to do with Tail with a word that starts with "Cock" must have been Some Stupid Doctor's Idea Of A Good Time. And, now, The Joke Is On Me.

I experience this Pain In My Ass whenever I sit for long periods of time. Usually, I am in my car. Or at the movies. Sometimes, I am on A Date I Can't Get Out Of With The Most Boring Boy Ever. It has lasted for over a year, and late last week, fed up with taking Advil By The Handful, I decided I should see A Doctor.

The Doctor I went to was very nice. She examined My Rear End and told me I may have Bruised My Tailbone or Strained The Muscles Around It. I am not quite sure how one Strains The Muscles Of The Ass, but I would bet that it is Illegal In Some States. Not that that is How I Did It. I am just saying, it may be One Of The Ways. Anyhow, after my exam, The Doctor broke the news that there was Nothing They Can Do For My Ailment.

"Of course, they sell Those Donut Things, you know," she said. The Doctor was referring to The Hideous Pillows with A Hole In The Center that you see Old People Carry. "You could get One Of Those."

"UGH!!" I thought. "I am So Not Carrying Around A Donut!" In my mind's eye, I had a visual of myself, looking Absolutely Fabulous, window shopping on Montana Avenue, toting An Absolutely Hideous Orthopedic Pillow in my Dooney And Bourke Handbag. Aghhh! No, A Donut was Definitely Not An Option.

The Doctor must have seen my expression, as she began Snickering. "I don't blame you. I wouldn't carry one around either." She Signed My Chart. "Just keep taking ibuprofen," she advised.

As she pointed me towards The Exit, she left me with yet another Stupid Doctor's Idea Of A Good Time: "And if it Hurts When You Sit Down, Don't Sit Down." I guess she just Couldn't Resist.

And yet again, the Joke Was On Me.

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