Friday, March 24, 2006

Hot For (Substitute) Teacher

Today, The Third Grade Girls came running into my classroom, utterly breathless.

"Miss The Daily Randi!! Miss The Daily Randi!!! We have a Substitute today!" they announced.

"You do?" I responded. Then, because I had never seen Kids So Excited About A Substitute Teacher before, I asked, "Is that Good?" I had assumed they liked their regular teacher.

"Ohhhhh!! It is Soooooo Gooood!" said one girl, dreamily, falling back into her chair

"He is Really Really Cute!!" added another. Giggles, giggles, giggles! Screams.

Now, of course, My Ears perked up. There was A Really Really Cute Substitute Teacher on the school campus? This School Campus? The One I, The Daily Randi, Teach At? I like Really Really Cute! I had to find out More.

"Tell me, is he Really Cute? Like Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom Cute? Or is he Cute like Zack and Cody Cute?" I wasn't falling for that Zack and Cody Cute Crap.

"Definitely, Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom Cute!" they informed me, all nodding in agreement.

I had to start my class, but I knew I was going to have to Seek Out The Really Really Cute Substitute Teacher as soon as The Period was Over. Really Really Cute Substitute Teachers are practically unheard of at my school. We attract Really Really Retired Old Woman Substitute Teachers. And Really Really Excited To Be Back At Work Now That The Kids Are In Full Day Kindergarten Substitute Teachers. But, Really Really Cute Substitute Teachers? Never.

Therefore, I knew I would have to Sniff Out that Really Really Cute Substitute Teacher and Make Him Mine. Just as soon as The Lunch Bell Rang. I would have to act Swiftly -- I only had 44 minutes. And I had to get to him before That Evil Spanish Teacher. I knew she was Single and would be Prepared To Pounce, too. And she is Ruthless.

At the end of class, I Ran Out That Door quicker than you can say, "Class Dismissed due to This 36-And-Still-Single Teacher's High Level Of Interest In New Really Really Cute Co-Worker/Potential Boyfriend!" Just before I entered The Teacher's Lounge, I composed myself. Then, I opened the door.

And There He Was. Just sitting there, reading the newspaper and eating a sandwich. Alone. And, he was Really Really Cute! He was actually Cuter Than I Thought He Would Be. Wait? Are those Dimples? I am a Sucker For Dimples! This Substitute Teacher wasn't Really Really Cute! He was Really Really Super Duper Cute! Ohmigod, I Shall Make Him Mine, All Mine, Right Now.

"Are you the sub for Carrie?" I inquired.

"Um, yeah. Do I have yard duty or something?" Sigh. He was Dreamy.

"Oh, no. No," I stammered. "I, I just wanted to tell you that all the girls are in love with you. The Third Grade Girls. You should have seen them! It was kind of Funny!" Funny? FUNNY! Why did I just say that? Stupid, stupid.

"Oh. I know. At recess, they were staring at me through the classroom window and blowing kisses to me. I had to shoo them away and encourage them to go play tether ball," he laughed.

Ahhh. What an Adorable Story to Tell Our Really Really Super Duper Cute And Dimpled Kids Someday!

Then, he said: "I can't wait to go home and tell My Girlfriend all about it."

Yup. He Dropped The Dreaded G Word. We finally get a Really Really Super Duper Cute Substitute Teacher and he has A Really Really Stupid Dupid Girlfriend. Of course.

Depressed, I decided to take my lunch outside with The Kids.

"Did you see him, did you see him, Miss The Daily Randi!!!???" they said, accosting me. "Isn't he Cuuuuuuuute??!!!"

"Yeah. He is Cute," I agreed. "But, you know, he has A Girlfriend."

The Girls were Dejected.

"Awwww," muttered one.

"Figures," said another.

"Let's go play Tether Ball!" suggested a third.

"Yeah!!!" they screamed. Full Recovery. And Off They Went.

"Well, at least I wasn't the only one Disappointed by The G Word!" I thought, biting into a baby carrot while I watched them run off to the field.

Now if only I had A Tether Ball Court, too. It seems to Work Like A Charm.

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