Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Newlyweds And Hating It

I keep having a dream that I Am Married To Nick Lachey.

Actually, this dream should be reclassified as A Nightmare. Although we share a Robertson Boulevard Worthy Wardrobe, I don't like Stupid Jessica Simpson. And I have Never Cared For her Stupid Husband, Nick Lachey. In fact, I was Rooting for Their Divorce. I always thought that Jessica could Do Better. And, well, I thought They Deserved Each Other, too.

So, last week, when The Nightmares began, I was a bit Disgruntled. Nick Lachey is exactly They Kind Of Guy I don't want to be Married to! He reeks of Fraternity. He watches a lot of Boring Basketball. He Schlumps around the house and Pretends To Fix Things. He was in A Boy Band and He Is Not Justin Timberlake. And, Worst of all -- He is Cheap! In fact, he was once Too Cheap To Hire An Exterminator to Rid Their Yard Of Bees and I would put money down on That Moment being The Beginning Of The End for Nick And Jessica And Jessica's Manager/Father/Svengali. "Too Cheap To Call The Exterminator To Rid The Yard Of Bees is Too Cheap For Me!" I always say. I am sure Jessica (And Her Svengali) Said The Same.

In the Recurring Dream I have been having, Nick and I are Married and we live in A Big Apartment/House/Mansion that sort of reminds me of The Space Station in 2001: A Space Odyssey, mostly because there is a lot of Mid Century Furniture spread about the living room. Incidentally, I have always considered 2001: A Space Odyssey One Of My Favorite Movies of all time, mostly because I Think It Is One Of The Scariest. Outer Space is Spoooky. Also, because I Really Like The Furniture. Anyhow, Nick and I are expecting Company and I have no idea where to start to get ready. So, I take A Nap. And Nick watches A Basketball Game. While I am alone, Napping in My Totally Teak, Minimalist Bedroom, I think, "Nick is So Freaking Boring." And, "Is that Wallpaper Peeling Off The Wall? I must be Going Mad!" But, mostly, I am thinking, "Nick is So Freaking Boring." And I try to Retrace My Dream Steps so I can figure out How I Ended Up Married To Nick Lachey in the first place. Even in A Dream State, I know I Want A Divorce. The Daily Randi requires a lot more Excitement in her life.

I mean, what's My Boyfriend 50 Cent doing between 12 and 6am PST? Or, Prince William? Where's Prince William at? This Chick really wants A Recurring Royal Wedding!

Or, more likely, she really wants to make sure She Marries The Right Guy someday. Even if it ends up being A Long, Long Way Off.

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