Monday, March 13, 2006

Car-mic Possibilities

I have Really Bad Car Karma.

It's True. I Do. Probably, I have had it All My Life but was just Ignorant. I lived in Manhattan for nearly eleven years and Never Owned A car, so I Didn't Know that when I Got All Those Flat Tires and The Convertible Roof Kept Tearing and The Rear View Mirror Would Fall Off Every Time I Drove Over A Bump on The Car I Had In High School, it was A Sign Of Bad Car Karma. But, since I have moved out to Los Angeles and once again Require The Services Of An Automobile, I have had more Freaky Things Go Wrong/Happen to My Car than anyone else I know.

Sure, in the beginning, I had A Crappy Car, so that was always The Excuse. But, four years ago, I purchased A Brand New, Untainted Vehicle, thinking I would be Superseding The Bad Car Karma. Alas, it was to No Avail. Crazy Car Karmic Things kept happening! Take for example, the time Two Decembers Ago, when my car was Parked On The Street, Outside My Apartment Building And Was Nearly Totaled In The Middle Of The Night By A Drunk, Uninsured Driver Who Managed To Avoid Arrest By Evading The Police When They Finally Arrived Nearly Three Hours Later And Although I Was Covered By Insurance, I Still Ended Up Paying $150 In Car Rental Fees Because The Car Took Longer To Repair Than Originally Estimated, Mostly Because The Auto Body Shop It Was In Took Off For A Full Freaking Week At Christmas. That kind of Sucked. Also, one time My Passenger Side Mirror Was Knocked Off By A City Bus Just Driving By While I Was Stopped At A Red Light. Totally Awful. And, another time, My Passenger Side Mirror Was Knocked Off By A Very Rude Truck Driver Who Only Spoke Korean And American Cuss Words And Who Kept Shouting, "I F*cked!" and "I Have A Family! " Which I, Naturally, Took As A Total Dig At My Single-ness And I Tried To Explain To Him It Was Rough Out There Because It It Slim Pickings By The Time You Reach 35 And I Really Just Want To Meet A Nice Jewish Boy And Have Kids And a Dog And Live In A House In Calabasas Or Maybe Pacific Palisades But He Didn't Understand Me And Just Drove Off And I Never Even Exchanged Insurance Information With Him! Terrible! Another time, I forgot My Trendy Designer Sunglasses inside my house, so I quickly parked my car on the street and ran in to retrieve Said Trendy Designer Sunglasses and when I came out, only two minutes later, My Driver's Side Mirror Was On Top Of The Roof Of My Car, Which Was Definitely Not Where I Left It. Way Not Cool.

So, on Friday, when I was driving home, Stuck In Your Typical Los Angeles Traffic, and I noticed that The Thermometer Thingy in my dashboard was All The Way In The Red, I knew it was going to be Bad. And I was Correct. $984.17 Bad. At least I now have A New Fan Contraption and A Temperature Casing Whatever. Really, I don't know what I just bought. I do know it is equal to approximately Two Fabulous Pair Of Marc Jacobs Shoes. Or One Fantastic Gucci Bag. I could probably Go To Town At Fred Segal with $984.17. But, instead, I bought A New Fan Contraption and A Temperature Casing Whatever for My Stupid Car.

At least, I Flirted My Way To A 10% Off. Discount. I would have Flirted 20% Off, but The Guy I Usually Flirt/Deal With Was Home Nursing A Broken Foot He Received During A Wild Paintball Game. Figures.

And that's just Another Good Example of How I Know I have Really Bad Car Karma.

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