The Greatest Hits: FAQs

Earlier this week, My Shit Blew Up when I Liveblogged the Oscars with Defamer. Since then, This Column/Blog has been Inundated With Readers, Hits, Crazed Fan Mail, and Very Negative Comments. It seems, Some People Just Don't Get It. Mainly, I sense, Crazy Knitting Lady and Her Poor Spelling Gang Of Bullies. Regardless, what started as An E-Mailed Joke amongst my friends, has since Grown Beyond My Wildest Dreams. Let's face it -- I can't maintain a Relationship With A Boy beyond A Few Weeks, yet, Somehow, this column has continued to Grow In Readership for over Three Years and I couldn't be More Flattered. Would you believe I have Written Over 900 Columns? Often, when I meet people in Real Life, and they Discover That I Am The Daily Randi, I get asked Tons Of Questions. For this reason, I have decided to Re-Run the following Column, originally published as a series The Week of January 11, 2005. Hope it Clears Some Things Up! Especially amongst The Very Immature Crazy Knitting Gangs Of Los Angeles.


Q. Ohmigod, Ohmigod! You are The Daily Randi? I Loooooove you! I read your column All The Time! It is The First Thing I Read when I Sit Down At My Computer At Work in the morning. Am I The Only who Subscribes? Your hair is Sooooo Super Cute! Hey! Why don't you write a Column on Monday?

A. Thanks so much for Reading and Telling Me My Hair is So Super Cute and now I am like, Totally Embarrassed because you are going to expect me to Drink A Lot and Say Really Witty Things and Make Out With A Boy. You know More About My Personal Life than my Therapist, who has since Emigrated To Spain to Stop The Insanity. I have a Seriously Long Mailing List, so, No, you are not The Only One who Reads The Column. I often get Fan Mail, in fact, from people who are Not On My List, so I really have No Idea how many people Read My Column. I Guestimate it to be about 300 Readers. In the beginning, I did Write A Column on Mondays, too. But, you Try To Sit Down At Your Computer Every Night and think up Some Way to turn your Sad, Single Life into Something Witty. It ain't Easy! Besides, I am usually Still Recovering From Saturday Night and Nursing A Serious Hangover On Sundays to Come Up With Anything Decent for Monday Morning.




Q. The Daily Randi, how did Your Fabulous Column get started? You should really have a Book Deal because I enjoy Your Columns so much more than I did that Entire Shopoholic Series and Bachelor Girls, combined. Also, can you hook me up with Vince Vaughn?

A. The column got started as sort of a Joke. I was at A Bar with a Huge Group Of Friends, and I don't know if you have Noticed It Or Not, but I tend to Talk A Lot. One of the people who was at the bar with me Stopped Me in the middle of A Crazy Story I was telling and jokingly told me to Just E-Mail Her the tale at work. The next day, I did Just That. She forwarded The Story, and before I knew it, I was writing a Full-Fledged Column. The Title, by the way, is a Spoof of The Daily Candy, another Popular Daily E-mailed Column. You are right -- I should have a Book Deal. Tell all your Publishing Friends. And, take it from me, you do not want to be Hooked Up with Vince Vaughn, because then He Won't Ever Leave You Alone Again.




Q. Poor, poor Shabby. Why would any parents want to Name Their Daughter, "Shabby?" She must have been Picked On A Lot As A Kid, which is why she is always Putting Up With Your Silly Shenanigans. Does she know you Always Plotting to Steal Her Boyfriend?

A. Yes, Poor, Poor Shabby. Fortunately for Everyone who is mentioned in The Daily Randi, I never use Real Names. Therefore, Shabby is Not Actually Shabby's Name. In real life, Shabby has a Much Prettier Name. In fact, Shabby was originally short for Shabby Chic Obsessed Friend. I shortened it in a column one time to Shabby and The Nickname Just Stuck. She doesn't like it Very Much, and has told me on Countless Occasions that I should Change It because she would Much Prefer The Shortened Name, "Chic." I only Giggle. And then, of course, I Steal Her Boyfriend.




Q. The Daily Randi, you write The Funniest Relationship Stories I have ever read! That one about the Giant Fan? Priceless! Anyhow, I was wondering, do The Boys You Go Out With know about The Daily Randi? And that you are Writing About Them? And do they Read It, too?

A. Good question! I get asked This One Allllllll The Time. Honestly, I don't always tell The Boys I Have Gone Out with that I write A Column. It is kind of My Secret Life and unless I feel the need to Open Up To Them. Like, maybe if we get to The Point where we are talking about what Our Favorite Things To Do are, and he says, "I love Football!" I may answer, "Me, too! Also, I write A Daily E-Mail Column about My Life and Relationships and now Hundreds Of Americans will Know about your Stupid Star Wars Clock!" But, most of the time, I Don't Tell The Boys because I Hate Explaining It to them, and then they always want to Read The Darn Thing. And then they don't always Have A Sense Of Humor About Themselves. That being said, nearly Every Boy I Have Dated is a Regular Subscriber.




Q.The Daily Randi, I read your column Every Single Day, which is Funny because I Broke Up with your Good Friend Who Always Takes You Out For Lunch When A Boy Breaks Your Heart nearly a Year Ago. (I sure hope you Returned The Favor. Please Nod, "Hello," to her The Next Time You See Her for Me. Don't actually Say, "Hello." I want her to know It Is From Me, so, A Nod should Suffice.) I got Hooked On Your Column when Good Friend and I were Dating and it is So Good, I still Read It, and Forward It To Friends, and Enjoy it Very Much. That Column about The Giant Fan? Priceless! Anyhow, I was Wondering... Is there ever a Moratorium on what you Write About? I mean, say you are Dating A Guy and he does something and you write about it. Doesn't he ever get Really Really Mad? Like I Would?

A. Hmmm.... It is always So Tricky. This is Another Reason why I don't always Tell The Boys about The Daily Randi. If I think something may be Sensitive, I will always ask Whomever I Am Writing About for Permission. I don't always Care if they Give It To Me, but at least I Always Ask. But, since I am Insensitive and Self-Absorbed, I don't usually Listen To Anyone when they tell me, "Don't write about this in Your Column." Especially if it is Really Embarrassing To Them and Makes Me Look Good. I used to Edit My Columns to People I Was Writing About, by just Taking Them Off The Mailing List For The Day. But, That Scheme Backfired when one of My Easily Annoyed Sister's friends e-mailed her with The Column, "The Best Secret Methods To Annoy My Easily Annoyed Sister" and Asked Her if it was About Her.




Q. THE DAILY RANDI, YOU ALWAYS WRITE ABOUT HOW ALL THE BOYS LOVE YOU! AND, YET, YOU CAN'T SEEM TO EVER MAINTAIN A RELATIONSHIP! YOU SHOULDN'T SLEEP AROUND! YOU ARE ADORABLE AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHY YOU SHOULD BE ALL ALONE! YOU SHOULDN'T ACT SO SMART! BOYS DON'T LIKE SMART GIRLS! AND WEAR YOUR HAIR DOWN! YOU USED TO BE SO PRETTY WHEN YOU WORE YOUR HAIR DOWN! THAT GIANT FAN STORY WAS REALLY FUNNY! STAY AWAY FROM THAT GIANT FAN! YOU WILL CATCH A COLD AND I AM NOT GOING TO SAY I TOLD YOU SO! BOYS DON'T LIKE FUNNY GIRLS! I LAUGHED REALLY REALLY HARD! DON'T BE SO FUNNY! I HAVE TO GO NOW, I THINK I HAVE DIARRHEA!

A. I thought I told Easily Annoyed Sister to stop Forwarding My Column to you, Mom.




Q. The Daily Randi, I Love Your Column and I Forward It to Everyone In My Office and they Love It, too. I was wondering if you could do me A Favor...I share a Cubicle with This Older Woman. She is Always Listening To that Stupid Norah Jones CD and I need her to Stop before I Go Insane With The Sheer Melancholy Of It All. Can you Write about How Annoying She Is? Maybe she will Read The Column and Recognize Herself.

Q. Daily Randi, you must Write about This Guy That I Just Went Out With who was like A Total Jerk. He had Food In His teeth and he Smelled Of Gravy. Hurry! He told me he Reads Your Column Faithfully and he needs Help!

Q. My Best Friend and I both Adore your Daily Randis. I Hate Her and Her New Boyfriend. I Want/Need them to Break Up ASAP. Can you maybe Devote An Entire Column to How Stupid Women Behave when they get New Boyfriends? Because she is acting Really Stupid now. Thanks in Advance!

A. No, No, No! Readers, what do I Look Like to you? My Column does not exist so that you can Passive Aggressively Get Even with your Office Mate/Boyfriend/Best Friend/Guy You Sitting Next To You In Coach! You Would Not Believe the Number Of Times I am Specially Requested to Write About An Issue so that A Reader can let Another Reader know that They are Behaving Foolishly or Smell Bad. The Daily Randi is a Column devoted to The Lighter Side Of Relationships. I have Plenty of Old Boyfriends who Read This Column, and you Don't See Me Writing about How Much I Miss Their Dogs! Or How I Wish They Didn't Work On Tuesday Nights because that used to be My Favorite Night To Venture Into My Favorite Trendy Los Angeles Used Record Store and now I Can't because I Might Run Into You and You should really Ask For That Night Off so that it is Not So Awkward for Both Of Us and I can Buy My Used LPs and You Can Work In Peace! Or How I Really Wish they would Call Before They Just Showed Up At My Apartment At 2 In The Morning! (I will Be Up until about 2:15 in case you Want To Stop By Tonight! You Know Who You Are!) So, No, I Cannot Write About That. (Okay...3! I will Be Up until 3!)




Q.Hey, Daily Randi! What ever happened to that Barback/Musician you used to Pine For? What do you mean, you Don't Know Who I Am Talking About?! You know, The Barback/Muscian, The One you Obsessed Over Forever. How can you say You Don't Remember?! The Barback/Musican! He went On Tour? You Hear His Songs in The California Pizza Kitchen and The Grocery Store and it Makes You Weep Sad Sad Tears because All You Wanted To Do was Eat Your Gourmet Pizza and Purchase Your Low Carb Bagels In Peace without having to Hear His Very Catchy Music and be Reminded Of Him and How He Broke Your Heart Into Little Musical Note-Sized Pieces? You know: BARBACK/MUSICIAN! He was even On MTV! Why are you Crying? By the way, I saw Him on Letterman and he was Hot!

A. Ummm....I still Don't Know who you Mean.

*Sniff*

[UPDATE: He just E-Mailed Me on My Birthday!]




Q. Daily Randi, I Read Your Column all the time. Recently, I was invited to A Party and I was So Excited to hear you would be Attending, too! To think, I was going to be Rubbing Elbows with The One And Only Daily Randi! I must have been invited to a Real Hot-Spot! So, you can imagine How Disappointed I Was when I Finally Met You and you were Really Nice. Not only that, but you Failed To Get Really Drunk. Or Make Out with A Single Boy. And I didn't hear you say Anything funny. Worst of all, the party was just a Bunch Of Couples and You Arrived, sans Vince Vaughn. Then, all you did was Sit In The Corner and Knit. The Fabulous Daily Randi Facade was Completely Shattered. What gives?

A. See, now this is An Issue that I Grapple With all the time. Sometimes, when people Meet Me, I worry that they are going to be So Disappointed. The Daily Randi is basically an Alter-Ego for myself. Although many of The Circumstances I find myself in are Factual, I often Exaggerate the Details to make The Column much more Entertaining. If I need to Change An Adventure to have a Good Punch-Line, then I Do So. That being said, all of My Crazy Ideas are, Unfortunately, My Own. And you have to admit, The Scarf I Completed by the end of The Shindig we attended was The Highlight of that get-together. Besides Meeting Me, natch.




Q. Daily Randi, I hate your column. Every day, I Receive It in my mailbox and Every Day I Loathe Every Passing Second that I Waste reading it. You are Very Self-Absorbed. All you do is Talk About Yourself! Not only that, you come across as a Total Whore and A Certified Accessory Thief. Might I suggest a Bit Less Daily Randi, and A Lot More of That Shabby Character? She is like Mother Theresa compared to You! I bet she would Never Throw Her Freshly Baked, Festive, and Delicious Christmas Cookies down a garbage disposal. She would Donate Them To The Tsunami Victims, instead! Or, she would at least Bring Them Over To Those Poor Folks whose Mansion Slid Down The Hill In Laurel Canyon after the Los Angeles Rain Storms. After all, they lost All Of Their Authentic Eames Furniture! And she would Always return Borrowed Items. Also, you should really write More About How Pretty Shabby Is. Because I bet she is Really Really Pretty. And has Very Petite Feet.

A. Shabby, I am So Not A Whore. And I told you, as soon as I find a way to get the Man Juice out of your Fabulous Pink Scarf, it shall be Returned.