MOMMIE Dearest

MY MOTHER neglected to send me anything for The Holidays. Everyday, I would check my mailbox, and everyday, there would be Nothing. Well, there would be lots of Holiday Greetings! And Cute Cards With Pictures Of Assorted Babies! And even A Check for Hanukkah From My Aunt Who Lives In New Jersey And I Hardly Ever Speak To! But, there was never anything from MY MOTHER.

Normally, Maybe, I really Wouldn't Care. But, My Dilemma was I Had Already Spent The Money I Figured I Was Going To Receive From Her on One Pair of Very Expensive Designer Shoes That I Didn't Really Need But I Really Really Really Wanted. It may have Served Me Right for counting my chickens before they hatched, but this is MY MOTHER, we are talking about! She has sent me A Holiday Check For The Same Amount every year since I left Home just like Nearly Every Other Mother In The Entire World Has With Their Own Kids! To make matters Worse, I noticed that MY MOTHER was enjoying the Netflix Gift Certificate I had sent as My Gift To Her. In fact, she had Forty-Eight Films lined up in Her Queue already. Clearly, My Holiday Check had been Lost In The Mail. It was Imperative that I Alert Her!

I Made The Call during The Second Week of January.

"YOUR CHECK WAS NOT LOST IN THE MAIL BECAUSE I DIDN'T SEND A CHECK TO YOU THIS YEAR BECAUSE I MAY GET SUSPENDED OR FIRED OR LOSE MY JOB THIS YEAR OR THE END OF THE WORLD MAY COME OR I MAY DIE AND FUNERALS ARE EXPENSIVE SO I DECIDED I CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE GIFTS ANYMORE AND I DIDN'T SEND ANYTHING TO EASILY ANNOYED SISTER, EITHER AND IT WAS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE WAS VERY VERY ANNOYED AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOU GOT THE IDEA THAT YOUR MOTHER WAS GOING TO SEND YOU ANYTHING FOR THE HOLIDAYS IN THE FIRST PLACE. YOU ARE SELFISH AND YOU ARE A TERRIBLE DRIVER, SLOW DOWN, PARK IN THAT SPOT!!!"

Then she added:

"THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THE NETFLIX GIFT CERTIFICATE I AM REALLY ENJOYING IT HOW THOUGHTFUL!!!"

Naturally, I hung up the phone with her, Frustrated and Bitter. And, well, Really Poor. On the bright side, I Still Had The Fabulous Shoes! But I was No Where Near As Bitter as I was when I received in the mail yesterday, An Envelope From Her. No. It did not Include A Belated Holiday Check. Instead, it simply included This:



That's right. It's A Set of Highly Air-Brushed Glamour Photos of MY MOTHER. I can only assume she had them taken at Her Local Mall. And then sent out 8 x10 Glossies to Everyone She Knows. The Pictures included A Note printed on Personalized Embossed Stationary that read, "Hope you love the new pics! xoxo, Mother" printed in Elaborate Cursive Handwriting. Since The Elaborate Cursive Handwriting did not look like It Actually Belonged to MY MOTHER, she wasn't SHOUTING, and I Have Never Once In My Life Addressed MY MOTHER So Formally As To Call Her, "Mother," Clearly, she Hired An Assistant To Help Her with Her Mailing.

Because, apparently, Modeling For Glamorous Photos Of Oneself and Hiring A Personal Assistant are Infinitely More Practical than Sending Your Children Holiday Gifts.

And, MY MOTHER has Transformed Herself into Joan Freaking Crawford.