Tuesday, January 31, 2006


Over the weekend, I enjoyed Delicious Cocktails with Extremely Made Over Friend, and Extremely Made Over Friend's Friend, who I always refer to as, My New Best Friend. Every time I see her, I tell her, "I want you to be My New Best Friend!" and she always reacts as if that is The Bestest Idea Ever. But, I noticed My New Best Friend has never reciprocated My Hand-Made Friendship Bracelet Offering. And she rarely, if ever, wears The Other Half of The Gold-Plated B.F.F. Locket that I gifted her with a few months ago. And, Oh, she Never Returns Any Of My Phone Calls. But, I digress. Extremely Made Over Friend and My New Best Friend were Excellent Company!

In fact, My New Best Friend told me A Juicy Story about A Boy She Was Dating. Apparently, she met him at The Cheesecake Factory and when he would Come Over, he would bring Whole Cases Of Wine that he had Stolen From Work. I told her that if you are going to work at The Cheesecake Factory, one would be much better off Stealing Cheesecakes. But she explained, he worked Cheesecake Factory Corporate Office and therefore, had much easier access to Cases of Wine. And, one would imagine, Reams of Copy Paper and Thumbtacks, as well. I, for one, would love A Free Ream of Copy Paper! Thumbtacks, I would really have no use for. But, I can always do with a Fresh Pack Of Pens And Post-its! And, I guess, Wine, too. Cheesecake Boy didn't sound all that Bad.

Apparently, though, the first time My New Best Friend ventured over to Cheesecake's Apartment, she was Totally Aghast. All Cheesecake had for Furniture was An Enormous Futon in the center of the room and Several Empty Wine Boxes Serving As Side Tables. And, The Largest, Most Enormous High Definition Flat Screen Television she had ever seen. The Television was So Huge, it took up One Entire Wall. This explained why Cheesecake had No Furniture. He couldn't afford any after putting A Down Payment on The Biggest Television Ever.

As the three of us girls started to rip into The Careless Way Men Spend Their Money On Useless Gadgets, I started to think about The Careless Way Women Spend Their Money On Shoes and Clothes. A man may spend Half His Salary on a TV, but I have been known to spend at least Two Month's Rent on A Fabulous Marc Jacob's Dress. It seems, Women and Men are really Equally Careless when we spend Our Hard-Earned Funds.

Of course, when Women purchase Expensive Clothing Items, we are not buying them necessarily because we think we are Inadequate in other aspects of our life. We just want to Look Stylish and Feel Important! Cheesecake, however, needed the Extra Inches in his Television Set Badly to make up for The Inches he was Lacking in other Places.

"As soon as I Saw The Enormous Television, it All Made Sense to me," exclaimed My New Best Friend. "He kept telling me he Had A Lot Of Inches and I kept thinking he was Delusional. I had no idea he was Talking About His Television Set."

Because in reality, Cheesecake was more likely an iPod with Video Screen.

But, at least he always brought over Cases Of Free, Stolen Wine.

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