Wednesday, February 15, 2006


After I Received My Divorce Notice from Future First Husband last week, I Printed It Out and Filed It With The Others. I keep all of My Rejection Letters together. E-Dumpings, Colleges That Didn't Accept Me, Jobs I Never Got -- all of these letters I hang onto. Every now and then, I like to take them out and Read Them Through. Usually, the first thing I discover is that The Pain I Felt when I Originally Received The Letters no longer Exists.

And then there are Those Letters Where The Pain Never Ceases. These are what I like to refer to as, "The D-Mails": Letters That Announce that I have been Dumped, Missed But Can't Be Called Again Because Now My Wife Is Onto You, or Led On And I Am Very Sorry I Never Called You At The Appropriate Time But Will You Still Come To My Sketch Comedy Show On Tuesday Night At 11pm I Promise It Will Be Funny This Time. After I receive A New D-Mail For My Ever Growing Collection, I like to Compare And Contrast.

This time, I was Shocked to Discover that My Future First Husband used The Same Exact Language in his E-Dump as My Boyfriend Who Is Not My Boyfriend used in His E-Pology To Me For Making Me Watch The Entire 2005 Orange Bowl Twice And Then Telling Me He Was Too Tired To Have Sex!

"You're a cool person..."
- E-Pology, My Boyfriend Who Is Not My Boyfriend, 2005

"As I said, I do think you are a cool person..."
- E-Dump, Future First Husband, 2006

Um....Did Future First Husband plagiarize My Boyfriend Who Is Not My Boyfriend? I think, Yes! Plagiarism! Nearly Word For Word! A-Ha! Or, maybe there is some sort of Secret Handbook Full Of D-Mail Templates sold solely to Men! I would not be surprised to learn about A Dog-Eared, Drink-Ringed Pamphlet named, "How To Dump Girls In One Paragraph Or Less, Via E-Mail." Better yet, I have a hunch they learn This Thing during Middle School, when They Separate The Girls And The Boys For A Short Time and make us watch Movies About Our Changing Bodies. We Girls learn all about Getting Our Periods and How Boobs Grow and then The School Nurse answers our Questions About Tampons while looking Really Uncomfortable. The Boys are taken off somewhere with The Male Gym Teacher. I bet they didn't even have to watch The Stupid Movie. Instead, Mr. Gym Teacher probably lectures them on The Seriousness Of Serious Relationships and teaches them Sure Fire Ways To Avoid One. "Make her watch A College Football Game Twice! Then, Pretend To Fall Asleep At Your Computer! She'll be Gone In A Heartbeat!" he confides to them. And then, well, they all have A Circle Jerk.

Of course, maybe there is Another Really Good Reason for The Similarities in The Two D-Mails: It could be I Really just am, "A Cool Person!" And, naturally, Both Boys Noticed.

And, naturally, Both Boys E-Dumped Me anyway.

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