Friday, February 17, 2006

No Sale Ever Final

Whenever I meet An Unmarried Man Over The Age Of 35, and he is even Remotely Attractive, the first thought I have is, "Why is He Single?" Because there has to be A Reason. There has to be An Excellent Reason. Otherwise, He surely would Be Married By Now. Often, it just takes A Few Weeks of Dating to figure it out. Sometimes, I only need A Few Minutes.

"He is A Commitment Phobe!"

"No One is Good Enough For Him!"

"Oh. He is Already Married. I knew it!"

Thinking about this the other day, I developed A Brand New Theory: Dating Men Over The Age Of 35 is a lot like Perusing The Sale Rack at Nordstoms! Think about it! On The Nordstom's Sale Rack, there are a lot of Fabulous, Highly Desirable, Designer Items on display. Some are Marked Down about Twenty-Five Percent. Others, are as much as Half Off. Some look like They Have Been Hanging There Forever And May Be Free For The Taking, The Alarms Won't Even Go Off Because No One Can Even Believe Someone Wanted It.

With A Great Deal Of Suspicion, I Pick Out A Marked Down Marc Jacobs Blouse and hold it up to The Light. There Must Be A Reason this Marc Jacobs Blouse is On Sale and I intend to Get To The Very Bottom Of The Matter! I run down The List Of Possible Reasons:


It is A Return.

The Fabric is Itchy and Won't Feel Good Next To My Skin.

The Material will only Look Good on A Blonde.

It is Way Too Short.

There is A Barely Noticeable Tear in The Left Armpit. At first, I Don't See It. I am just So Excited To Have Found This Fabulous Marc Jacobs Blouse On Sale! I wouldn't even have seen The Tear if I had not been looking Terribly Closely For Flaws. But, once I Notice The Hole, it is So Obvious I Can't Possibly Focus On Anything Else. And It Is Driving Me NUTS.

The Dress is Unflattering on Most Body Types.

There is A Big Lipstick Stain on the collar and It Won't Ever Come Out.

Of course, it is possible that The Blouse has just been hanging in the store For Months and No One Has Bought It Yet simply because I am The First Woman to recognize How Truly Awesome It Really Is. Even better, when I try The Blouse on, it is A Perfect Fit. Which is why I Snap It Up Immediately and Embark On A Crusade To Wear It Every Single Day.

Except when I Get Home, Try It On Again, and Change My Mind. I never said I wasn't Fickle when it comes Fabulous Marc Jacobs Blouses. Or Men.

Sale or No Sale.

No comments: