Friday, January 20, 2006

Purl of Wisdom

I have joined a Knitting Group. We meet on Monday Nights, in A Coffee Shop and, well, We Knit. I think part of The Purpose Of The Group is To Knit For Poor, Cold People. But, I prefer to knit for myself. Technically, I am cold and poor, too. Well, okay, I am Not That Cold. It is Los Angeles, after all.

I was recruited for The Knitting Group by A Woman I met in a yarn store. She came up to me and she said, "What do you do on Monday Nights?" Before I could come with, "Well, my Tivo wishes I watched more of The Bachelor!" she had handed me a slip of paper with directions. "Come Knit with us!"

That next week, I decided to check out this Knitting Circle Thing. To my surprise, everyone was Very Nice. People were different Ages and Levels and there were even Men! The Woman who invited me to join was there and I sat down next to her. We became Friendly.

"Ugh," she said one Monday, checking her phone for the Umpteenth Time. "I can't believe He Didn't Call!"

"Who?" I said in return. "Who were you Waiting To Call?" I hoped it was A Boy! I love a good I-Can't-Believe-He-Didn't-Call Story! I hoped hers had something to do with it Not Being The Appropriate Time!

"This Guy. This Guy I met. He was Perfect! I met him on Saturday Night! We got along Great!" she relented.

This was My Specialty! Boys Who Don't Call! Or I as I refer to them as, BWDCs, commonly pronounced as Bastards! "Where did you Meet him?" I knew already, it had to be On-Line. Boys you meet in Supermarkets always Call. Or, so I hear. I never meet Boys In Supermarkets, mostly because I don't understand how you go about talking to someone in a supermarket. Do you just go up to A Cute Boy and ask, "What should I eat for lunch this week? Keep in mind it has to be Low-Fat and Organic and Fit Inside My Tinkerbell Lunch Box?" Because that doesn't seem like much of a Come-On.

She said, "I met him on Craig's List!"


"Really? On The Personals!?" This was more exciting than My Knitting! Or The Bachelor! Even if he is In Paris! On My Tivo! Waiting For Me At Home As Soon As I Got Done With My Knitting Club!

"No. On Casual Encounters," she matter-of-factly returned.

What???? Casual Encounters? I thought that was only for Gay People! But, certainly, you can't meet A Boy on Casual Encounters and expect it to be Anything Other than A Stupid Big Fat One Night Stand! The Name says it Alone! What A Disappointment! I thought this was going to be a bonafide He-Didn't-Call-And-Now-We-All-Hate-Him,-And-We-Don't-Mean-Just-Us-We-Mean-God-And-The-Whole-Man-Who-Doesn't-Call-Universe Story! This Chick needed to be on Craig's List's Long Term Relationship Meet And Greets! Well, if there was Such A Thing.

But, maybe Chicky was confusing Casual Encounters with Close Encounters. Or even Clothes Encounters. Maybe she just thought they wanted her to Take Off All Her Clothes. I, um, have made That Mistake Before. Honestly, I don't understand what she was Complaining About. At least, she knew what she was Getting in the first place. It wasn't like she was on An Actual Planned Date and the guy Just Never Called Again even though he said, "I Will Call you Again! Promise! Swear To God And On The Man-Who-Calls-When-He-Says-He-Will Universe!" The Name Of The Board is called Casual Encounters! Emphasis on the word CASUAL! Not Encounter(s)!

"Oh, He May Still Call!" I lied. I don't know why I felt like giving her False Hope. Maybe I was feeling Vindictive. Or Vengeful. Or maybe I was hoping He Would Actually Call.

Because, really, It would make a Much Better Ending To Today's Column if He Did.

Don't You Think?

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