Tuesday, January 24, 2006

First Things First

The other night, I had A First Blind Date with A Perfectly Charming Boy. I would give him one of My Usual Nicknames, but He Reads This Column Regularly. After Looking At His Picture and Googling Him, Shabby elected to call him My First Husband, because he possesses All The Qualities that I always say I Want To Find In My First Husband. It is just like in the beginning of Mary Poppins, when the two kids sing that song and write down exactly what qualities they would like to find in The Perfect Nanny and then the next day, Mary Poppins shows up on their doorstep. I, too, have written down a list of all the qualities I would like to find in The Perfect Boy and then, the next day, He E-mailed Me! He is just like Mary Poppins! Just, without the English Accent, The Lovely Singing Voice, and The Bitchy Attitude. I could call him Mary Poppins, but he Doesn't Carry An Umbrella. But, I fear that if I call him My First Husband, it may Scare Him Away. Shabby said if he has been Reading My Column and he is not Totally Terrified already, I have Nothing To Worry About! I think Shabby is Right.

So, on Thursday Night, My First Husband and I had A Wonderful Dinner/First Time Meeting and it Really Was Quite Fun. Of course, as is Typical of The First Blind Date Experience, there is That Odd Getting-To-Know-You Awkwardness, as well. To make matters worse, earlier that day, My First Husband had e-mailed me with His Restaurant Choice and directed me to The Just Published Review. Perusing the article, I noticed that The Place was described as, "Sexy!" and "Intimate!" which immediately sent me to the phone to make sure I had My Emergency Phone Call Recipient and An Emergency Phone Call Recipient Back-Up in place. You always need An Emergency Phone Call Recipient Back-Up just in case The Original Emergency Phone Call Recipient is in A Crowded Bar and Can't Hear Her Phone Ring. Or, if she simply Falls Asleep In Front Of The TV While Watching E.R.. And, you definitely need Two Emergency Phone Call Recipients On Deck, when you are invited by A First Blind Date to A Restaurant described as, "Sexy!" and "Intimate!" And you know you will have Lots Of Cleavage showing.

Honestly, I had Nothing to worry about. My First Husband was Really Nice Company and Exceptionally Gentlemanly and Totally Cute and I am not just writing that because I Know He Will Read This. No, indeed it was A Lovely Time and we talked So Long that We Closed The Place Down! But, sitting next to us, was Another Couple. I think they were also on A First Date, except, they were going Straight To The Third Date on The Banquette Next To Us. It was like we were in A School Film Strip, pointing out The Dos and The Don'ts of How One Should Behave On A First Date:

Do comment that you think one's date has an interesting job!
Don't Comment That You Would Like To Feed Your Date With Your Fingers.

Do order a delicious bottle of wine!
Don't Order Dessert and By Dessert, What You Really Mean To Do Is Have Sex In The Booth.

Do initiate charming witty banter!
Don't Initiate Disgusting Slurping Noises While You Are Having Said Sex With Your Date In The Booth, Especially Since It Is Clear From Your Overheard Conversation That You Are Feeding Her Cheesy Lines And Just Want To Screw That Night, Right There In The Booth And Then Hopefully Never See Or Call Her Again Unless You Run Into Her At The Same Euro-Trashy Nightclub Where You Most Likely Picked Her Up In The First Place, And Then, Sure, You Will Probably Sleep With Her Again Just For Old Time's Sake. Especially When There Is Another Couple, Sitting Directly Next To You, Who Are Attempting To Ignore Your Annoying Slurping Sex Sounds Because They Are Just Trying To Get To Know One Another And Want To Get To A Second Date At Least Before They, Too, Initiate Annoying Slurping Sounds While Dining/Making Out In A Restaurant.

The situation would have been Thoroughly Amusing, had we not still been in our Awkward First Blind Date State. But, since we were, we both chose to Ignore The Shagging Couple Next To Us. Luckily, The Restaurant Staff was finishing up, so we left and said Our Goodnights. That Other Couple probably Didn't Notice and may Still Be There.

Unless, of course, they stuck around just long enough to say Good Morning.

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