Thursday, January 19, 2006

Trouble With A Capital T(ivo)

As many of you know, I Heart My Tivo. I mean, I Really Heart It. It has been over a year since I got My DVR and like all Great Relationships, I can't remember What Life Was Like before! It is kind of like when I think of That Terrible Text Message-Less Time, otherwise known as 1970-2005, right before I got My Sidekick. Or The Whoa-Is Me Walkman Waste O' Time, also called The Eighties/Nineties, prior to my iPod purchase. I just can't believe I actually Functioned. How did I manage to get out of bed every day knowing that if I wanted to Watch Lost, I was going to have to Set A VCR Each Week! Oh, Sad, Silly, Tivo-less Time Of Yore!

I do have to admit, though, that lately, Tivo and I have been, well, let's just say Our Relationship Has Cooled Off. We're Well Past The Honeymoon Phase, it seems. You see, in the beginning, Everything Was Wonderful! I had Tivo programmed to record All My Favorite Shows! Lost? Check! America's Next Top Model? Check, Check! My Super Sweet Sixteen? Check, Check, Check! I pressed the button and Tivo Taped it! We even could Finish Each Other's Thoughts! "Boy, I really wish there was A My So-Called Life Marathon on Right Now," I would sigh. And then I would turn on Tivo and Tivo had Secretly Recorded Eleven Whole Episodes of My So-Called Life over A Three Week Period, Just For Me, based solely on My Undying Devotion to Really Bad Jared Leto Television Movies! Tivo was The Bestest!

Unfortunately, I Don't Want To Watch All This Television any longer. For example, last night, Tivo Taped American Idol. I didn't even know It Was On, which I take as A Genuine Sign Of Personal Growth, but then Tivo goes and Records It -- without even Asking Me First and Totally Undermining My Efforts To Not Watch So Much Mindless Reality Television -- and, well, I know It Meant Well, it thought I Wanted To Watch It, but Tivo Doesn't Understand, if I watch One Episode, that's It! I am Hooked and I Don't Want To Get Hooked on Another Stupid Season of Stupid American Idol because frankly, I Don't Care! There! I Said It! I Don't Give A Shoot about Stupid American Idol! Not only that, but, I Don't Even Care Who The Next Stupid American Idol Will Be because I Can't Even Name Last Year's Stupid American Idol! Who won last year?! I dare anyone to Recall The Answer without Googling! Go Ahead! Try! Try to Come Up With It On Your Own! See? You Don't Know! You Don't Know Who The Stupid American Idol Winner Was! Nobody Knows! But, We All Watched It! And, well, We Voted! We Voted, too!! Well, I Voted, at least.

Anyhow, it was My Fault I guess for Not Telling Tivo, "Don't Tape Stupid American Idol Because I Don't Care!" Just like I have previously said, "Don't Tape E.R. Because Dr. Carter Left!" And, "Don't Tape The Stupid Bachelor Even If He Is In Paris! But, I mean, how was I supposed to know Tivo was Going To Go And Stupidly Tape The Program in the first place?

Naturally, I Watched The Stupid Show anyway. I don't know, I Felt Guilty. I didn't want to Just Hit Delete. I mean, It was The Thought That Counts, right? Tivo was Just Trying To Be Nice.

American Stupid Freaking Idol. Now I have to Watch It Tonight, too. 'Cause that's How They Get You! You Watch One Night and then you Have To Watch The Next Night because you are already Totally Invested in it by then.

Obviously, Tivo and I are experiencing a Huge Stupid Communication Problem. At least, that is what our The Therapist says. And by Therapist, what I really mean to say is Stupid Dr. Phil.

Because, Naturally, Tivo is Still Stupidly Taping Him every day, too.

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